Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Biz Ellis, the host of the "One Bad Mother", reveals how she found her inner badass as a parent and learned how to be cool again through her kids' eyes. She also points out a number of ways in which you are probably already doing a great job and should give yourself a pat on the back.



Full show notes

The “Uncool” Parent

Teens are really good at letting parents know how completely and utterly uncool we are at every chance they get. And if that’s not enough, the media does a great job at exaggerating our uncoolness. Pretty much all the characters we see in movies and TV, like Phil Dunphy on Modern Family and Amy Polar in Mean Girls, are stereotyped as out of touch with their teenagers and clueless about popular culture and modern technology. While these stereotypes are largely exaggerated, it’s not a stretch to say that most parents wouldn’t put coolness at the top of their skills list.

As a parent it can be easy to feel beat down and exhausted when your teen scoffs at every out of date reference you make. But what your teen doesn’t realize is that unlike them, parents simply don’t have time to keep up with the latest trends. You’re the one picking them up and driving them from place to place, preparing their meals, keeping the house clean, making sure they stay on top of their homework — all while trying to have some sense of what’s going on in their social life. It can be near impossible to simultaneously figure out the ever-changing world of technology and listen to the music they think is cool. The list of requirements for maintaining coolness and mastering the art of parenting like a badass is something you don’t seem to have time for — there’s already an endless to-do list many parents have barely scratched the surface of.

Maybe you’ve accepted that your teen is never going to think you’re cool. In the grand scheme of things, you know “coolness” is not so important, yet you’re sick of hearing, “You don’t know who [insert popular singer/actor here] is?” It’s like you and your teen speak a different language and unfortunately, they don’t sell teen-to-parent translators on Amazon yet.

Somewhere in the process of raising kids, many parents have lost touch with their inner badass. Any speck of “badassery” you once had has been sacrificed for the sake of being a responsible parent. So how do you go about parenting like a badass and regaining the dignity you once had prior to having kids?

This week’s podcast guest, Biz Ellis, has the answer. She is the co-host of popular podcast One Bad Mother and author of the book, You’re Doing a Great Job- 100 Ways You’re Winning at Parenting. Biz experienced a "parent identity crisis" when she realized that after becoming a mother, she no longer felt cool. After a process of self-discovery and finding inspiration in a t-shirt her husband made that said "One Bad Mother," she found her inner parenting badass. In this episode Biz tells her story and reveals insights into parenting like a badass, a skill she has mastered by hosting over 200 episodes of one of the most popular parenting podcasts on the planet

Before having kids, Biz thought she had it all — she lived in Brooklyn, did sketch comedy, and went to clubs every weekend. She thought of herself as being pretty cool — until she went on maternity leave for her first child. Then, when people would ask what she did for a living, Biz would feel ashamed to say she was a stay-at-home mom. She felt that many of the labels or identities given to mothers––like Soccer Mom—were inherently uncool. She realized that maintaining the same coolness she once had was a lot less effortless than expected. Transitioning into parenting like a badass was going to take soul searching.

Though Biz longed for the coolness she felt prior to motherhood, she soon realized that wanting to return to your “old self” is a toxic idea. It’s unrealistic to expect things like your pre-kid social life and pre-kid body to remain the same once you’ve had children. But instead of denying this and yearning for a time that you’ll never get back, Biz suggests focusing on all you’ve gained from becoming a parent. Everything you’ve sacrificed has paved the way for you to become a better, tougher, and wiser person with a beautiful child to show for it. For Biz, forgetting the past and moving forward was the first step to parenting like a badass.

Biz reveals that the next hurdle to parenting like a badass is feeling like life is constantly passing you by. One day you’re teaching your baby to walk and before you know it, that baby is a teenager embarking on their first day of high school. As lame as it may be to your teens, it’s hard to keep composure when you think about the days when they needed your help to cross the street or tie their shoes. Now that they’ve grown up and become more independent they need you less and less—which is quite honestly the most devastating yet rewarding part of parenthood.

Biz understands that parenting like a badass is easier said than done. It’s hard to be the cool, laissez-faire parent your teen wants you to be when you’ve gotten so used to making decisions for them. Your teen craves independence and may take any parental attempt to correct their behavior as you babying them. In this episode, Biz discusses how to face conflicting feelings that moments like these bring about with understanding rather than avoidance.

Badassness is usually marked by not playing by the rules. One rule Biz thinks parents should avoid is living life by your to-do list. While these lists can be helpful at times, it’s important to question whether they’re preventing you from parenting like a badass. Are they helping you accomplish things or are they making you focus too much on what you aren’t accomplishing? Biz firmly believes that parents need to give themselves a break. She says that as a parent, you’re often overly fixated on the things you’re doing wrong and fail to notice all the ways you’re Winning at Parenting.

Rather than feeling bad for not finishing everything on your to-do list, celebrate what you have accomplished. Biz reminds parents that though most of the things you achieve in a day aren’t list-worthy, they’re still worth praising. You’re such a master at parenting like a badass that you didn’t even need help remembering them! Biz reminds parents that small, but important, accomplishments like finishing three loads of laundry or getting both your kids to and from practice are what make you a badass.

Biz recognizes that pressures to be like other parents can prevent you from parenting like a badass. For example, you may think that because another parent shows up for an event dressed to the nines or goes all out for their kids birthday party, they are judging you for not doing the same. Biz provides the example of a parent who makes a beautiful, delicious cake to bring to a PTA banquet. Maybe all you brought was plastic utensils and napkins. In moments like this, it’s easy to think “Is everyone I’m surrounded by trying to prove that they’re better than me?”

Biz points out that as parents, it’s easy to think that there’s always an ulterior motive when another parent does something nice. But rather than torturing yourself to figure out their motive, she says to live by the motto “It’s just cake!” This parent isn't purposefully trying to make you feel bad. They’re not intending to come off as superior to all the other parents—they’re simply bringing a delicious treat for everyone to enjoy. Biz states that the less you compare yourself to other parents and read into the often untrue intentions of other people, the better you’ll be at mastering the art of parenting like a badass.

In this podcast, Biz discusses how parenting like a badass can help you tackle the many hurdles of raising teens like...

I had a blast interviewing the hilarious Biz Ellis about parenting like a badass. I hope her unique take on how to be a more confident, relaxed parent helps you focus more on recognizing all the many ways you’re excelling in life.

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