Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Andy Earle
Hey, it's Andy from talking to teens, it would mean the world to us. If you could leave us a five star review, reviews on Apple and Spotify help other parents find the show. And that helps us keep the lights on. Thanks for being a listener.

And here's the show your love listening to Talking to Teens, where we speak with leading experts from a variety of disciplines about the art and science of parenting teenagers. I'm your host, Andy Earle.

It's easy to think as parents Oh, man, Did I did I prepare my kids for that? Did I talk to my kids? About that? Did I did I really did we get into that? I think I think we talked about that I'm not really sure. Because there's so much stuff to prepare them for. There are so many skills that our kids are going to need to be successful in their lives. Today's guest has created a tool to help parents make sure we instill all of these vital skills. Brooke Romney has written a set of books called 52 Modern Manners for today's teens. Brooke is a writer, speaker, educator and connector. She has been published in The Washington Post Deseret News. In 2020. She wrote her first book, I liked me anyway. And now she has two more books out volumes one and two of 52 Modern Manners for today's teens. What are the key manners our teens need to know? And how do we make sure that we prepare them for those things? These are the topics of today's episode featuring Brooke Romney, really excited to get into all of it. Brooke, thank you so much for being here today. So I've been going through these 52 Modern Manners for today's teens. And talk to me about this. This is I mean, this is I want to call it a book. But it's so much more than a book. What what do you how do you describe this to people?

Brooke Romney
Well, I call it a book also. But I think a better way to describe it would maybe be like a stand up flip chart, or station starter, and families. But I have teenagers now. My oldest is 20. I have an 18 year old, a 16 year old and an 11 year old, they're all boys. And I found as my kids enter those teenage years, I was surprised at some of the things they didn't know, being a parent that tried to teach good things, and then watching the execution of that not going as well as I hoped it would for them. And then we had a ton of teens in our homes, and we worked with them in the schools and churches and things like that. And lucky for me, I realized it wasn't just my teens, it was a lot of teens that were missing out on some really important. I call them manners. But I think a better word for it is life skills. These aren't like which fork to use when you eat dinner. This is about how to live a successful life. And as I was watching these teens, what I saw really clearly is that there were two groups of teenagers. One group that really got it, they understood social norms. They had a high social and emotional IQ. They were aware of others and aware of their surroundings. And I watched them go into a positive feedback loop. Things just kept working out for them. They had good friendships, their teachers liked them, they seem to have a lot of opportunity. And then there was another group of teens where that didn't come so easily. Or maybe they hadn't been taught it at home. Maybe they struggled with some neuro divergence or some mental health issues that was that were stopping them from being able to do those things that help them live more successful life. And I watched a bit of a negative feedback loop where they thought, you know, nobody likes me. The world is not for me, this teacher hates me, good things don't happen to me. And it really was a self fulfilling prophecy as I watched these two groups, and in my mind, I thought there has to be a bridge for this gap, we have to be able to figure out because the things that were making this one group so successful, it wasn't big stuff. It wasn't like they had to get a 36 on the AC T. They just had to know how to start a conversation, you know, things like that. And I thought, we have to be able to teach this to these teenagers in a clear, concise, easy way. And as I've watched teams understand this better and use these books and what they're learning here. I've watched lives change and parents finally have a tool to be able to teach their kids and teenagers these things without it being a constant negative interaction, right? Instead of correcting them all the time. They're getting in front of the curve. They're basically showing them cheat codes for how to be successful.

Andy Earle
And I like that too. Because really, it's not stuff that you need a ton of information to understand. It's kind of it's kind of things that you sort of kind of know, know how to do. But you just need to remind yourself or need to get get yourself in the habit. And so I think it's cool, what you're doing here is really just giving people a vehicle to kind of bring up these topics, and then keep kind of reminding yourself of these values that you want to have.

Brooke Romney
Yeah, and I think something else that happened is when we introduced cell phones, our kids stopped observing the world. So So while I often saw my parents interacting with others, I saw how they spoke on the phone, I didn't have an option to zone out, there was nothing else to do, but kind of watch them live in adult life. Our kids don't have those experiences, like we did. And so while we might think, oh, they'll just get this, they'll absorb it, they'll see me do it. A lot of teams are not getting the chance to observe and then they're thrown into these situations where they feel unprepared, and, and not ready and not confident enough to do it well. And then they get down on themselves when it doesn't go well. And so these books help bring up those things that maybe we thought we were teaching or thought they were observing, but they're not.

Andy Earle
Okay, so Brooke, tell me about the things How did you come up with the 52, the 52 to include, and then another 52, in volume two.

Brooke Romney
So I'm on Instagram a lot, I have an awesome community of parents of teens. And so one day, I shared two manners that I was noticing teens just weren't getting. One was being a good passenger in the car, I was giving rides to a million teenagers who can't get themselves anywhere, because they're not able to get, and they would get in the car, and they would jump on their phone. Exactly. And they would look down or they would whisper or you know, not acknowledge me at all. And then they would leave the car and forget to say thank you. And so I put that out online and just said, Hey, just a reminder that your kids remember to be a good passenger. And I just had this overwhelming response from parents that are saying, either I'm seeing this or man, I don't know if I've ever explicitly told my child what to do when they get in the car of somebody else I thought they just knew. And the other one, I believe was acknowledged adults. So we'd have teenagers over at our house. And their parents would text them that they were there. And they would walk right by us, like come up from the basement walk right by us. Like we didn't exist and leave. And I was like, oh, okay, so yeah, thanks for coming and eating all the food tonight, you know? And so it was one of those moments have I shared that one too. And other parents were like, Oh, I've had that experience, you know, my child was very shy, I probably need to remind them to say goodbye, and thank you. And so people asked for more, they just said, I need I need more of these simple things that I'm supposed to be teaching my kid or that I thought they would know. So I started coming out with one a week was like a team Tip Tuesday. And then someone said, I want to teach my kids this. But I I forget to translate what I learned online and bring it home. Plus, parents are tired of lecturing. It's not that fun to constantly just lecture and tell kids what they're doing wrong, and it's hurting relationships. And I have a tough crowd at my house. Like I said, I've got four boys, they do not respond to things like Oh, Mom, thanks so much for that great advice. You know, that's not what what they're doing. And so I thought, How could my boys respond well, to something and so I worked really hard to create a format that would invite open conversation that would not make kids feel offended or defensive. But that also would allow them to take it in like either we could have a family conversation, I have one child that doesn't love to learn like that. So I wanted something visual that he could take in on his own, and kind of felt like he was doing learning himself. And so I created this book, and it's been really exciting.

Andy Earle
Were you planning to make two volumes when you first started?

Brooke Romney
To be honest, I thought that I would hit every single thing with 52. That's a lot of

Andy Earle
actually, that's gonna be totally tapped. We're all run out of stuff at that point. Right.

Brooke Romney
But I don't know if you've ever thought like, Oh, I'm going to buy a Toyota Corolla. And then all of a sudden, you see Toyota Corolla is everywhere. And then everyone you meet just, they've been driving a Toyota Corolla for 10 years or whatever. That's kind of what happened when I started writing about teens and manners is I would get messages about other manners. And then I was just so hyper aware of the things that were helping different teenagers be successful. And the things that were really hurting other teens and keeping them back from feeling that success in connection. And so in the second book, what I really wanted to do was dig a little deeper there. There are 52 Completely different manners, but I would say the second book is a little bit More about living a successful life. So things like, celebrate others, you know, that's not something is as easy to decide on as Introduce yourself. But I watched that the kids who knew how to celebrate others didn't get down on themselves as often, they felt other successes like they were their own. And even the adults I knew who knew how to celebrate others spent a lot less time in envy and jealousy and felt a lot happier in general. So there's things like, celebrate others. Don't make fun of questions. You watch people, you know, just diss on people, because they don't, somebody doesn't understand something they do. One of my favorite manners, and the second one is read the room. And if we can like nail that, as teenagers, like our adult life will be incredible. Because teens love to just like kind of dig, get those digs in. And sometimes that doesn't end in your teenage years. But if you can be someone that's sensitive to the situation's and background of the people that you're with, you'll have a great teenage life, you'll have a great work life, you'll have a great marriage, you know, all those things that are going to be important to you. Because you understand how to read the room. I dug really heavily into conversation, like how to be a good conversationalist, how to have back and forth conversation, topics you can use to start a conversation. One of them talks about it a lot of kids struggle, starting conversation, I think, especially after COVID. So there's a little formula, make an observation and ask a question. And once you tell a teenager, it's not as hard as you think it is. Hey, Andy, I love your curly hair. Does your whole family have curly hair? Or is it just you? Like, that's so much simpler than I just met him? I don't even know what to say, you know, but so just loving getting some simple formulas for living a good life.

Andy Earle
Oh, yeah, that's great. And something something freeing about having formula sometimes actually makes you able to be more creative. It almost there, there, they're almost kind of seemed like little meditations that you have in here. Because there's like a, maybe a phrase or a kind of truism, or a thing to remember that also, maybe almost like some poetic little language about it, or something that kind of gets you thinking more deeply about the topic.

Brooke Romney
Yeah, that was really important to me. One thing I wanted was for families to have some common language so. So if we're talking about being a good passenger, parents could say, hey, remember to be a good passenger. And it's that's common language, they know what that means. You've talked about it. But then it was really important for me to give teens a why. So it's not just like, I want you to do this, because I want you to look good, because I'm your parent. And that's important to me. On every single manner. It's a what's in it. For me, teens like to know what's in it for me. And sometimes they don't realize that no, like the first matters, introduce yourself. And maybe at first, they're thinking, Well, my parents just want me to look good when I meet their friends. And then they read on the back that it actually creates connection and relationships for them, not for their parents, you know, it doesn't matter to their parents any longer. But it's gonna create connections, and friendships and relationships, if you'll introduce yourself. And so that was really important to me that that teens understood, it's not just because my parents want me to be nice or look nice. It's because this will change my life in a really positive way.

Andy Earle
This one, is pretty great, as well, on friendship, and how many hours of investment are required to have good friendships with people?

Brooke Romney
Yeah, there's a lot of manners in there about friendship, just because I think it's something that's really crucial during those teenage years. And there was a family that moved to a new area. And she actually sent me a message about that manner, because her her kids were very frustrated that they didn't have best friends yet, they weren't getting invited, and they flipped actually, to that manner in their home. It was just a really good reminder for everyone that takes 40 to 60 hours to have a casual friendship with someone you know, and she reminded our kids like, you're like on our 10 Like, we've got some hours to go before we even get to that casual state of friendship. And it's just it's important. These books teach teach teenagers that they're not alone and the way they feel and the way that the things that they're struggling with. There's one that says the way you smell matters, and people like to laugh about that manner. But it's really hard sometimes to teach your teenagers that showers are important and you know, putting on deodorant is important and the way people react by the way you smell matters. But parents you know when they say that to their kids, they're Just think their parents are rude and you don't get it. And they're aggressive when you flip. Yeah, when you flip to it in a book, and you're like, oh, yeah, hundreds of 1000s of teenagers need the reminder to show up, but you're on on, I'm not alone. And it just feels really good to not feel alone.

Andy Earle
I think that's also a good point, too, with a lot of these is that it makes it feel less personal or something, it's not like your, it takes off the pressure that it's like your parents sort of like pointing out things in you. And it's more like, these are just universal things that teenagers need to remember. And people need to remember, but especially kind of curated set for teenagers. And so yeah, I like how that sort of de emphasizes or takes the sting away from a lot of these things. And just makes it a little more kind of easy to accept or, or or talk about, because what ultimately I think is hopefully the the, what happens from from going through this book with your family is that it creates a lot of conversations.

Brooke Romney
Yeah, and I love I love the idea of this book creates connection over topics that maybe would have created disconnection. You know, if I'm constantly talking, you know, to my son and saying, Hey, why don't you introduce yourself, or how come you left just one person out? Those create disconnection between us. But if if we're talking as a family, before, something even happens about the importance of, if you're going to do something, and you're inviting seven friends, and you leave one friend out, like, that's not, that's not cool. That's not the way to be a good friend, you don't have to invite eight people all the time. But if you're going to invite seven, you got to invite the eight, you know, if you want to invite three, that's totally fine. There's five kids that aren't coming, but it's pretty painful to be the one person that's left out, or the one person that doesn't get added to the group chat. And just helping our kids be aware that you know, the way they act toward each other matters. And then what they don't realize is that kindness usually comes back. If you're inclusive, and you're looking, looking out for each other, then people will also look out for you. It's not perfect, but but you can feel good about who you are, because of the way you act and the type of person that you are.

Andy Earle
Seems to me like that, you it would be a really amazing exercise to develop these with your family or decide on what what what are kind of the most important, most the most important to you.

Brooke Romney
Yeah, we've got a couple blank pages at the end of each book, because every family has extra manners, you know, things that are important to them. And sometimes things are a little different culturally, or maybe where you live. And what I love is that the manners in these books just offer a jumping off point. So one of the manners and the second one says don't talk about bodies. And that's pretty important, and not parents to children, but kids to each other teenagers, you know, like, Oh, you're, you know, you're so this, or that person looks like this, just reminding them that people are more than their bodies. And that that can be a sensitive issue. You know, but I heard from people in different cultures, who feel differently about that manner. And so you may want to talk about that manner and say, you know, in general, this isn't what we want to do, you know, to the outside. But yes, in our big, awesome family that loves to share about bodies and things like that, like, that's just fine. And so I love it, it's a jumping off point. I don't cover everything, I could never cover everything in just, you know, one short manner, but allows families to open conversation, which I love.

Andy Earle
Yeah, and kind of get put things out into the open or get things into words, because it's amazing just how much is sort of assumed or how much knowledge we just kind of assume our kids will figure out or is things that are just kind of invisible, and culturally are supposed to be passed on. And I think part of what's what you're doing here is that's cool is bringing those things out into the open to not leave it to chance and kind of just hope they hope they get the memo and pick up on a lot of these kinds of assumptions or sort of like cultural ways of, you know, being having good social skills. And that's

Brooke Romney
what's funny because I wrote both books and every time our family flips to a new one, I'm reminded personally, of things I'm not doing and ways I'm not as aware as I could be or have a time that week that you know, I wasn't really that manner. Some of the manners I'm not awesome at you know, there's one that talks about being a good host and walking your guests to the door, saying goodbye, and then making sure they get in their car safely. And my husband's awesome at that. And I always just kind of let him do it. And then I sit on the couch and wave and say,

Andy Earle
looks like you got it.

Brooke Romney
So when that one comes around, you know, I'm reminded, like to make the extra effort and go to the door and take it by. So none of these things I don't think are things that most adults have even perfected, you know, when we, when we went to one of the manners says, Don't put down what others love. And I was, I was totally called out because I had just said to someone like, oh, that's disgusting. I hate that I hate olives. Those are so gross. Why would anybody put those on pizza. And then I flipped to that man, I was like, Oh, maybe I shouldn't put down what other people love. It's not a good way to connect.

Andy Earle
We're here with Brooke rhombi, talking about the most important life skills to teach our teenagers. And we're not done yet. Here's a look at what's coming up in the second half of the show.

Brooke Romney
The manners that most parents felt were really necessary today are those that talk about connection and relationships. And I think a lot of that is because of the technology that kind of takes away some of that. And then a lot of it was because of COVID. And the kind of the sad reality of people being distanced from each other for so long. And I think many of us didn't realize what an effect it would have on the kids and the teenagers and their ability to be confident and creating those relationships that were outside of an online world. Sometimes teens just sick and tired of answering the same question, you know, how was your day? What do you do? What July you know, and sometimes I know at least with my voice, sometimes they're like, I don't want like 20 questions like that, that doesn't feel connected to me. One of my favorite stories is there was a mom who brought the manor back home and she had kind of a prickly 13 year old boy who she knew would not be interested in the book or in the conversations. And one day she came home and he was behind the couch with a book reading it. Because he didn't want anyone to know that he cared. But every teen wants to know how to live a successful life. Some just don't want to do it while you're watching. But they he wanted to know like kind of the secrets of how can I live more successfully. And I like to remind parents that even if you're not seeing them implement these manners at your house, what you're going to see is them implementing them with others. And so don't get too discouraged. If it hasn't completely. You know, if you don't have these perfectly mannered kids at home, what they're doing is they're going to be testing it out with people that aren't quite as easy to please, as their parents, they're gonna do it. They're gonna be great house guests at their friend's home, they may not remember to always take off their shoes at your house or to put away their garbage at your house. But when they're somewhere else, they're going to remember that they might not always remember to read the room when they're with their siblings. But that's going to be something they're going to try out with their friend group because that really matters to them right now. And so, you know, if you're feeling a little discouraged, it doesn't mean that it's not working. They want to do the right thing, just not always when you're looking at them.

Andy Earle
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