Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Andy Earle
Hey, it's Andy from talking to teens, it would mean the world to us. If you could leave us a five star review. reviews on Apple and Spotify help other parents find the show. And that helps us keep the lights on. Thanks for being a listener. And here's the show. You're listening to talking to teams where we speak with leading experts from a variety of disciplines about the art, and science of parenting teenagers. I'm your host, Andy Earle.

We're here today with Selena Rezvani, talking about how to raise teens who are authentically confident. Often when we think about confidence, we get this image about being courageous and putting on this almost this persona who's really courageous and is not afraid of anything. But that kind of confidence is not really authentic. And it doesn't really work. True Confidence is about being vulnerable, and showing your true self to other people. Selena Rezvani is the author of the new book, WIC confidence. She is a sought after speaker, content creator and commentator on leadership. And today we'll see why the desire to make a good first impression is so often related to covering up who we really are. We'll see what a power outfit is and how to help your team find theirs. We'll see how training your team to perform acts of non compliance can help a lot in situations where they don't feel accepted as they are, we'll touch on how to teach teens to stop apologizing when they don't have to be we'll see how are teens can start to view themselves as experts in certain areas, we'll take a look at how silence can actually be a very important component of competence, and how teens can get better at saying no, and enforcing their boundaries, especially when they're talking with toxic people. All that and more is coming up on the show today. Selena, thank you so much for being here.

Selena Rezvani
Thank you for having me. And for all that you do. You've got

Andy Earle
a new book, quick confidence, be authentic, boost connections and make bold bets on yourself. Wow, I think I just found so many interesting things in this book that I think apply to the teenage years, I remember so much struggles with my own confidence as a teen or overcompensating or feeling like I was, you know, pretending to be competent when I wasn't and how do I find sort of more of that authentic confidence that you're talking about in this book? I think it's something that all teens struggle with, unless we're superhuman. So what inspired you to write a book about confidence? And where did the insights and everything in here come from? Well,

Selena Rezvani
I can totally relate to your teenage years, Andy, and I certainly had a lot of that myself a lot of pressure to conform or fit in, or find my authentic voice, you know, and that's hard. Because sometimes you don't know are you borrowing? Or is this really who I am? So I went through plenty of that as a teenager. But you know, as a young adult, I often felt like that very good. But second, or third choice job candidate when it came to the workplace. And it wasn't so much Andy because of competence, as much as it was confidence. And when I started kind of dedicating myself in little ways to building up that confidence, it really changed my life. And so I thought, You know what, other people don't have a lifetime to build confidence either. So you know, what if I put together something that gave them you know, little bite size actions, they could take every day to kind of practice this, right, because practice makes permanent.

Andy Earle
They very true. Practicing things the wrong way can also make that firm edentulous. I love that way of phrasing. And I also love that you lead with authenticity as kind of the hallmark or the defining aspects of the kind of confidence that you're helping people build with this book. Because it seems to me you talk about first impressions in the book. And you also point out how so often wanting to make a good first impression can go hand in hand with kind of silencing parts of ourselves or being inauthentic because we're trying to sort of show up in a certain way or be seen in a certain way. I wonder how how you think about, like, making a first impression, while also staying authentic to yourself? Yeah,

Selena Rezvani
you know, Who among us hasn't felt that pressure of like, How can I shine myself up going into this social situation or this networking situation, you know, to kind of put my best foot forward to downplay the not so nice parts, or the things I might be insecure about, and really lead with my strengths. And I'm here to tell you your first draft self, or your teenager's first draft self is enough. You know, of course, we all want to be improving and working on things and building our awareness. But I think it's so important to instill in teenagers who are putting themselves in new situations that you are enough as you are. And so some of the ways I encourage people to feel more confident in those first impressions. One is what I call the dog principle. So what I mean here is being willing to be the first to go up to somebody and say, Hello, for example, you know, because think about it, when you go to someone's house, right, Andy with the dog like they don't, the dog doesn't sit in the corner and overthink it or talk it over with their friends for us, right? They come right up to you, and greet you. And there's a lot of power in that, when instead of maybe overthinking it saying I wonder if that person will come up to me that we initiate, we say hello, we walk up and say hi. And it's amazing how much we can improve our social confidence when we make that habit, almost like a standard, you know, so we don't even have to think about it, we just go and say hello, first, what an awesome way to break the seal when lots of us are feeling a little rusty socially after the pandemic.

Andy Earle
I also love how excited dogs are always, it's always seems like every time they see you, they're just just so glad that you're walking in the door. Hey, I've never seen this person before. But let me jump all over you and lick your face.

Selena Rezvani
Yeah, you're right, there really is no hesitation. It's just an instinct. And what I like is even if we're, you know, very introverted, or this feels completely counter to the way we normally socialize, you'd be surprised with a little bit of experimentation, how empowering it can be to say, Hey, I started, you know, the three conversations I had back there at that event, it can change how you see yourself. So I think one other thing that's really important that people appreciate, but no one's necessarily going to sit you down and tell you this is when you're making first impressions, you're meeting new people, it can go a long way to make your early statements positive. So of course, you know, there are going to be times where like, we were stuck in traffic on our way to this event, or, you know, we had an awful night's sleep last night, and maybe that might feel natural to bond over. But just being thoughtful, you know, really making a choice that, you know, instead, I'm going to lead with some positive statements here. And I'm a big believer in being genuine in that. So what genuinely are you excited about in terms of this event, or what feels good and is positive to you, maybe you're anticipating learning something. I'm really excited to learn more about XYZ tonight. Show them that tell them what you're anticipating what you're excited about. And I think that's a really nice way to bring that positive encouraging energy early on to our interactions

Andy Earle
you make it sound so easy. I think a lot of really just what we just talked about is what I struggled with as a teenager or feeling you know, too cool to just like be sit down next to people that I don't know and start introduce myself and start talking to them or being like, hey, I don't have anybody to sit with like, let you know, how can we meet each other, just just just getting over that fear to just making that initial connection? And you know, and going for it with this dog principle and trying to make a few positive statements. I think it can't be overstated how hard that is sometimes but also how big of a step that is in terms of just having more connections and relationships. Yeah,

Selena Rezvani
and I feel like Andy you pointed this out that like that can feel really big, you know, maybe making it a habit

to scroll up to people and be the first one Come on.

Come on, just do it. And you know, make the first move right. That's how we think about it, but If we can shrink that, you know, maybe that's a long term goal of yours, that it's a norm for you to do that. But maybe shrinking that goal too. I'd like to try that one time this weekend, you know, in one situation so so know that little actions add up. And that is just as important, particularly if you're nervous and scared to do it as as setting some big lofty goal.

Andy Earle
Oh, I love that. Yeah, that makes it so much more manageable are setting yourself just a goal. Can you just, in some way initiate something with with one person today, or whatever it is, that kind of puts you on a mission to which I love, right?

Selena Rezvani
I can't help but think about this. But the other day, my son and I He's almost 11 went to a boba tea shop. And I said to him, why don't you order the drinks and pay for them? And try it? And see what happens? And he was like, Mom, I'm so scared. I don't know, can I do it? I'm not even sure. And I'm like, Let's talk it through. Here's how it'll probably go. And he did it. And he was so proud of himself. You know, and, and, you know, May we all be as fierce right to, to do that thing that feels a little scary. And maybe to be real with someone. This is hard for me. This is not easy for me. Like, can we talk this through together? Can we maybe come up with like a plan together. So I learned a lot from him and was really like, humbled by his example. But really cheering him on to when I saw that when.

Andy Earle
You have an idea in the book that I love that might make a all of this we've been talking about just a little easier. And it's called a power outfit. What is that? And how can we help our team find their power outfit?

Selena Rezvani
Yes. Well, teens are so good at this because they are on the cutting edge of what's cool and awesome, you know, creative. So I'm so excited to see what teens come up with. But power outfits are really cool. Because one of the things we found out from research at Northwestern University is that we tend to play the part of our clothes, what we're wearing. So if we're wearing something that embodies kind of like, more or represents, I should say, empowerment, we're gonna feel bolder and more empowered. You know, if we wear something that might represent like, timid, stay away from me, kind of clothes, we may act in a more shy, fearful kind of way. And so knowing that we play the part that we take some attributes on of maybe what we're wearing, I like to ask people to think about a time you felt unstoppable, like you really felt great in what you were wearing, and things were working, and most likely you were feeling comfortable or confident or empowered, and try to think about what was that main premise there, either for you or for your team, like what was going on there, you know, maybe it had to do with cut of what you were wearing, or color. That's big for me, because in my own life, I love bright color, not just so I can kind of be seen from outer space by people. But it makes me feel bolder, you know, it makes me feel more optimistic, even happier. Or maybe it's even something around like comfy. You know, maybe it's like you just found you know, certain things, pants, tops that feel incredibly comfortable. And still maybe express what you want to express. So think about what that mean premises and then try to replicate it maybe three or four times if you're able to, you know, using that same principle, again, color, comfort, cut, maybe something else. And like before you know it, you'll have this little collection of power outfits, when you need it most, you know, for those big moments that are meaningful to you.

Andy Earle
I love that too. Because also going tying back in with authenticity that we were talking about earlier. It's really kind of about almost about discovering yourself a little bit and and really taking that time to reflect and say, You know what, when I feel really unstoppable and on fire, like what what is that? Or what are there things that are there patterns and like things that I wear that really like make me feel good about myself versus not kind of taking that inspiration and turning it into a system which I just think is so cool. Yeah. And

Selena Rezvani
I think it's great if like people can have a little bit of fun with this and maybe not take it like deadly seriously. You know that it's okay if maybe what you gravitate to today you looks different than maybe next year, or when some of your interests or your life situation has changed a little bit, that's okay, too. The cool thing is, it's kind of a skill you can take with you, you know, as you evolve and grow. So my encouragement is, have a little fun with it, see how it sits with you, and how things literally fit and try to notice, you know, some of the feelings that go along with it.

Andy Earle
You also talk about something that you refer to as acts of non compliance. Sometimes it sounds like it can be helpful to orchestrate acts of non compliance in situations where you're not feeling like really accepted as you are or something like that. How does that work? And how do we do that? Yeah, I

Selena Rezvani
mean, look, it seems like when we're in a situation where we're maybe getting signals or cues, that we're not really accepted the way we are, maybe we don't belong, you are not like the others, you know, when we're getting messages like that, we have a few choices, right? One is, let me be more like them, let me change who I am, I can speak from experience that diluting who you are really doesn't feel good. I did this in my own career Early on, because I was advising much older, established executives. And I think out of my own insecurity, I kind of behaved like them, you know, no bright colors. You know, it's almost like I put myself at the kids table, and was like, let the adults talk. You know, so I think I took myself down a level, but I also watered down my knee, miss, you know, my sense of humor, my ideas, even that I shared in the room, certainly like the way I carried myself and even how I dressed. So I think one of the important things we can do is not play that painful game of let me be like them, you can be curious about them, you know, you can be interested about them. You can meet them where they are, in a sense and say, let me explore your world, and how you see things. But it's so important that you stay you you know, and honor who you are asking yourself, am I carrying myself? Like with that authentic me Ness? You know, is that coming through? am I letting people in? And I think part of this is because sometimes we have this idea in our heads that like confidence, or doing things well means developing this, like bulletproof persona,

Andy Earle
you know, of like a bravado or something that we need to like put on or adopt. That's, that's different from who we really are. Yes,

Selena Rezvani
exactly. And it's like tougher and stronger. And I think if anything, the the team leaders, we need today, bring that vulnerability, that multi dimensional, you know, set of, of parts of who they are, you know, not just the sanitized version, not just the quote unquote, professional version, you know, or like this model student, but like your Technicolor your full Technicolor self. And so I think that's really important to ask yourself, you know, from your your humor to your playfulness, if you're somebody who's a little bit playful, letting those things shine through is going to make you more memorable is going to help people know the real you. Which Wouldn't we all rather be judged for that than like a veneer, you know, and like a fake self that we're putting out there. So this idea of acts of noncompliance is really asking yourself, like modern culture might tell you not to wear that outfit because of your size, or gender norms say that this person shouldn't carry themselves or wear a particular article of clothing, right? And so what I'm asking you to do is, do you double down on those things that make you you and look for environments that celebrate that not just tolerate it, but celebrate it?

Andy Earle
And it's just some message that I feel like is so important to send to our teenagers and we really cannot send enough it's like taking it a step further and not just saying oh, hey, you know, you're okay the way you are. You don't have to change yourself but actually showing that off a little bit or going to the step of Trying to rock the boat a little bit with saying, Hey, I don't fit into the box. I'm not the, you know, way that I'm supposed to be. And, and that's and I'm, I'm cool with that I'm proud of that this is me. And that's as hard as a teenager.

Selena Rezvani
Oh, it is. And you're right. Like, we need to bring that empathy for how hard that can be to stand in your authenticity, when it doesn't fit, maybe the normal mold. And I think we need to celebrate people who do it, you know, and not just have like, what I call hero stories that are about, you know, the majority or the socially favored more dominant type or group but to celebrate those people, because look, when they're authentic, they kind of don't may not even realize it, but they're giving a little permission slip to other people you can be yourself to, and that's kind of this beautiful cascade, it's

Andy Earle
so is Yeah, you see somebody else, even if it's a totally different thing from what what your act of non compliance would be, but you see other people kind of be bucking the conventions and being themselves it makes you feel like, yeah, I could do that, too.

Selena Rezvani
Yeah. And I think you said something that made me think of this, Andy, but like, it's something I teach my, my young twins is, is like, you can bring that you can bring that authentic self, you can say, I belong, I earned my place here just as much as anybody else. Even so you still may not be everybody's cup of tea. And I think that goes hand in hand with authenticity. What I don't want to promote is like, be authentic, and everyone's gonna love it. Everyone's guaranteed to, you know, gravitate towards that. Not necessarily, right, I think some of the most confident people except that I'm not for everyone, I am not going to click with everyone, I am going to rub some people the wrong way. And and that's okay, too, like I except that

Andy Earle
we're here with Selena Rezvani, talking about how to raise teens who are authentically confident, and we're not done yet. Here's a look at what's coming up in the second half of the show.

Selena Rezvani
There's all kinds of questions we have when we need to say no to somebody, what are they going to think? Aren't they going to feel let down? Will they be mad at me, but I found it can be this really uncomfortable thing to sit with resentment where you say yes to everything. And for lots of people who do this, they burn themselves out quickly. You know, they feel resentful. Like, why is my weekend suddenly chock full of activities and errands and things I said I do that I'm not really wanting to do I'm not really engaged in or I'm not even sure why I'm signed up for it in the first place. First, you seem powerful in your eyes, then you seem powerful in other people's eyes.

Andy Earle
Which do you think about making sure teens are equipped with the skills to deal with toxic people being

Selena Rezvani
aware of how different people make you feel, is kind of the first step noticing, wow, that person really does talk a lot of negative stuff about others about the world, you know, possibly about me. And when we notice that I think we can become better magnets to the groups that are going to help us thrive and evolve and grow. So I think that's step one is kind of unsubscribing yourself from those people who make you feel lousy. I think another thing is, it's really upsetting, right? When somebody doesn't take no for an answer. And I think you need to identify those people who push you in that way. And to recognize where you are not willing to give an inch. As we grow into our confidence, more, we don't lead to kind of rush to the pressure succumb to the pressure that I always need to be cool with everything. I always need to be easygoing about everything. You know, kind of like in the spirit of I should always be a team player. I'm going to nod my head Yes, like this and go along with things. Even if I truly disagree. Maybe it's a conversation with parents, you know, and within the family, maybe it's with some authority figure externally is silence is a pretty safe place to be. What I like about it is you're not agreeing to something you're later going to regret. That's

Andy Earle
a bead of sitting in the discomfort of somebody else. What they're looking for is like oh, yes, of course. Yeah, I'd love to I can totally help out. We'd Awesome. Thanks for the opportunity. And by kind of taking that bead of just leaving your face kind of neutral, giving it some pensive thought you're creating some awkwardness or tension there and being okay. Just letting them sit in that for a little while I think is really powerful.

Selena Rezvani
We're so worried that our silence is gonna make it weird. So many people have said that but Whoa, I make it weird. You know, like, and and I have Woo's that, like you will not melt into a puddle from doing this.

Andy Earle
Want to hear the full interview, sign up for a subscription today, you get access to all the interviews I've conducted, as well as new episodes weeks before the general public. It's completely affordable and your subscription helps support the work we do here at talking to teens. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time.