Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Andy Earle
Hey, it's Andy from talking to teens, it would mean the world to us. If you could leave us a five star review, reviews on Apple and Spotify help other parents find the show. And that helps us keep the lights on. Thanks for being a listener.

And here's the show. You You're listening to talking to teams, where we speak with leading experts from a variety of disciplines about the art and science of parenting teenagers. I'm your host, Andy Earle.

We're here today with Rachel rider talking about parenting patterns. Do you have patterns in the way you interact with your teenager that you wish you could change? Maybe you find yourself consistently having to remind them of things consistently getting frustrated about things that they're doing, consistently feeling underappreciated by them, or ignored by them or manipulated by them like they're lying to you or hiding things from you. Maybe you just consistently feel like you're shut out, or you're not connected, it could be a feeling that you're not doing enough or that you want to be doing more. But whatever the pattern is, in your particular family or your particular dynamic with your teenager, there is a way to change it. And it starts by identifying what's going on underneath the pattern. Before you can interact in a different way, you have to understand what's driving the pattern as it exists. Today, we are going to talk through on this episode exactly how you can do that. Rachel is an executive coach, and the creator of the metalworks method at her elite agency, which brings together radical ease spaciousness, and transformation, to help leaders achieve new heights, in their career and in their relationships. She is also the author of who you are, is how you lead. And she's here with us today to share exactly how parents can apply her transformational process to their families. Rachel, thank you so much for coming on the show today.

Rachel Rider
So I'm here to talk about how to self regulate as a parent, and I just wanted to make sure that that feels alive. Oh, okay. Oh,

Andy Earle
I like that. Yes. And sort of that, we need to first recognize that, because, well, I think a lot of the time, and that's what I thought would be really interesting to talk about a lot in this book. Because so much of the time, you know, I get emails from parents or messages on social media asking questions, and it's always phrased in terms of, hey, you know, my child is doing XYZ, I have a 13 year old. And you know, he just like he doesn't want to engage with a family he's just spent goes to his room after school, it doesn't talk to us, maybe it'll come down and watch a Marvel movie, but then he's right back to his room. And, you know, how do I just get him to spend some time with us? Or do show a little more like appreciation or be involved in the family? And so I think so often as parents, we're in the mindset of like, looking at our children, and noticing the patterns that that we're getting from them, and saying, Hey, how can I change this, but what also is really, I think, kind of taking that to the next level or widening our awareness is being able to look at so what is my pattern? So what am I doing repeatedly in those situations? What am I feeling? What kind of behaviors am i Repeating that because all it takes two to tango. Without further it's not a one person pattern is is sort of more of a collective thing. So that's interesting,

Rachel Rider
I feel like you actually nailed the premise of my work, which is as leaders, especially when you are running your organization, which is what you were doing as a parent, exactly. Your Success doesn't have to do with getting the deliverable done. Or folks around you, you have kids, you know, they're helping with the chores, the household is running, your success is based on your interpersonal relationships. And with that being said, in order to have successful interpersonal relationships, you'd have to start with a successful interpersonal relationship with yourself. And so that is really the premise of my work. And my expertise is really understanding your inner world really being able to self regulate your nervous system. So you're in charge instead of old habits instead of emotions really running the show. So I feel like you just nailed that when parents are able to start to understand what activates me about My kid going down the stairs and coming up and not saying hello, like what is stirring inside of me, you actually might even change the dynamic because you're disrupting how you're responding.

Andy Earle
So is that what you mean? In the book, you talk about drivers. That's almost more even before you start looking at sort of individual situations and what's triggering you, there's almost a more of a foundational step of kind of understanding on a deeper level, what's kind of driving you, I

Rachel Rider
think you for taking us back a step, I think, yeah, that's so important to help inform behaviors. First, I think it's really important to understand why you're here. What kind of parent do you want to be? You know, I talked about that, and leadership, like, why are you doing this? And some folks didn't have a choice, but they're showing up anyway, you know, some folks did and did it intentionally. Some folks 40 years to be a parent, whatever the circumstances is, it's really helpful to identify what kind of parent do I want to be? And not just negation of who I don't want to be? I understand, you know, I hear that a lot, even in leadership, but as parents as well, I don't want to be my mother. I don't want to be my father. Never. Okay, great. So glad we established that. So let's talk about what you do want to be what is your anchor that when your child is not talking to you, because they're in their own world, they've pulled out? What kind of parent in that moment, if you come back to the who you want to be that will then help you know what to do next. So it's a very important premise before you can even regulate the nervous system has come back to Okay, who is it? I want to be? How do I want to show up?

Andy Earle
And what does that look like? Or what is the answer to that question? Even? Is it really different depending on who the person is? Or how, you know, I guess, what are some examples of drivers?

Rachel Rider
I'm curious if you're comfortable with me asking you? Oh, yeah. Yeah, what what would you say makes you show up, and it doesn't necessarily need to be about parenthood, but through podcasts, you know, what was what makes you do this? What's important to you about this?

Andy Earle
Well, it's interesting, actually, I was just having this conversation earlier I had so this, I have this business. And I also have a ghost writing company. We write books for like thought leaders, and a lot of entrepreneurs and things like that. And so when this conversation that we were having was like, Andy, why did you kind of trying to really refine our mission statement a little bit more? And so it's like, Andy, why did you start this company, and feel like it really parallels because really, in, in my own life, I guess, I really kind of struggled as a teenager and feeling like having, you know, a hard time making friendships or fitting in or barely kind of like finding my place and connecting with people. And really, then reading a lot of self help books and getting into like, you know, listening to lectures by motivational speakers, and people sharing life philosophies, was really like a turning point for me to sort of start to apply ideas to my life that were to help me to start getting better results in all areas of my life, really, but professionally, and on a personal level. And it's been a long journey. This still I read, you know, tons of books, I have this whole business where I help people write books, I do this podcast where I'm reading books every week and talking to people. And so I think, selfishly, a lot of part of the journey is that, I love that by doing this, I get to read books every week, and ask people questions about how to live more deeply and better. And so through doing that, I also love that like helping empower other people to have that same journey, or hopefully get some of those same benefits. So

Rachel Rider
I love the nugget you just shared. Thank you so much when you said selfishly, this allows me to read books, this allows me to continue to pursue that question I have for myself. And in doing so I get to help others. That nugget is so profoundly important. Because what I heard there is if you got to do that less, this would be less fun. The Selfish piece is really vital to helping you know what your mission is to helping you know how to grow your business, I want to read more books, I want to get to keep learning about myself and help others, you know, that I would imagine becomes a very foundational pillar for you and decision making in the business are growing. The same can be true for a parent. And so I want to be really clear that we want it to be the most selfish thing. I want to feel loved. I want to feel loved by my child, or I, you know, I want to prove that I will never be my dad. Those are really value and actually powerfully important. Anchors drivers to knowing what you're doing here, because that's going to be the most compelling thing that's going to bring you back to then inform your behavior. Does that answer your question about driving First,

Andy Earle
I love that. Yes. And so then that makes me wonder is then starting to notice some of those patterns we were talking about earlier? are times when things are triggering to us. Is that because there's kind of a conflict happening with one of those drivers? Or is this situation that pulling us a little bit away from what we feel like is our most authentic way of showing up as a parent?

Rachel Rider
Such a beautiful connection? Yes. Often, when we have friction in our lives, externally, it's because there's a conflict with our internal driver. And so then the journey becomes getting curious about that conflict. Is it deeply in conflict with what's most valuable to me? Or is the conflict because it feels threatened. And that is an old threat, not a current threat. So like for a parent, so were you were taught using the example, folks reach out to you, they're like, my teenager comes down the stairs, rarely says Hi, grabs, a snack goes back up, maybe comes down for me. And the parent who really had children to feel a deep connection of love, of course, feels terrified. Does my child love me though, is my child feeling alone cuz I feel alone, like, it stirs up the deepest reason for us doing what we're doing. And so what I would say is, the stirring, becomes the opening. That's the beginning of the conversation, not the and that's where we start to dig into the curiosity, what's actually going on here for me.

Andy Earle
You talked about awareness in the book, and also kind of awareness of how those things feel in your body.

Rachel Rider
Yeah, you know, though, I've been trained in somatic experiencing, which is just one of the most powerful tools I've ever found it by Peter Levine. And his premise, he was a psychologist and doctor, and found that there are certain things that you can talk about and talk about, that won't change, talk therapy can be powerful. I was in it for quite a long time. My mother's the talk therapist, she's also an SE practitioner now, but it changes lives. And there are certain things that are stuck in our system, our nervous system, we have visceral reactions to that even if our brain knows what, maybe this isn't outrageous, right? Now, our body's like, this is outrageous. And so the cultivating awareness piece is so important, because our body is talking to us, our body carries wisdom. And again, I think what I was mentioning earlier, we want to be able to hear that information and then decide if it's true. That's the cultivating awareness piece of self regulation pieces, then, okay, if this isn't true, how do I help my body? No, there isn't a tiger in the room. It's just my cat being annoying, kind of thing. So what I love about this is in connection to say, we know our drivers, so your driver is getting to read books in your business. And say that you're noticing you're having to deal with a lot of administration, because that's what happens when a business grows, and you're being pulled from the things you love. And all of a sudden, your jaws tight, you're not sleeping well. And so your body's giving you some information about this isn't working for me. But then we got to get curious, okay, what exactly isn't working for you about it? So one, okay, an internal drivers feeling threatened. But there might be a belief system here, that is also making it harder for you to do the administration, like, it's never going to get better. I shouldn't be growing my business because I'm getting moving away from the things I love, which may not be so true. And that's where we get to be really curious. That's where what I love about this work is it's really an excavation of our inner world where we're the final is the decision at the end of the line, once we have all of the information about what's going on for us.

Andy Earle
No, this is awesome. So I'm not trying to reverse engineer that as a parent. Because if I'm thinking a so like you were saying, connection and kind of feeling like it connected as a family is maybe my driver. And so when my kid is kind of checking out and not engaging with the family that's causing me to feel this friction, then what does that look like? In terms of the, I guess, you talk about pattern identification in here and looking for those statements that are likely to just have to So what might some of those things be? Or I guess, yeah, for thinking my kid just has to engage more with the family.

Rachel Rider
Right? Exactly. Let's explore this for a second. So first of all, and I want to normalize our kids are behaving differently than we want them to be. And in the moments where that's the case, there are always moments where you know, something needs to be addressed. Yes. What we're talking about here is, if you're noticing a pattern of you always respond this way where the kid comes down, it's like, really, again, you're not going to talk to me. And sometimes you just see yourself saying it before we even realize it. It's like a train wreck that you can tune. And you're noticing that pattern, that's where it's really important to get curious, are you noticing your thought pattern of, I just need to get him down to the table with us that's gonna make this right. There's an indicator of here's an opportunity to let's explore what's going on for you as the parent, what are you worried about? What is feeling threatened for you? Okay? My kid doesn't love me, or this isn't normal behavior, there's opportunities to check out what normal behavior and adolescence is, you know, or I'm going to lose him forever. When we start to understand these belief systems, we can then question them. How true is that? What am I really looking for here? And that will allow, you know, a change in behavior. So when he comes down Next, you'll be like, Oh, where are you planning on watching a movie later tonight, I thought maybe I could sit with you and do some work while you watch it. There's that it shifts this dynamic and actually allows you to see clearer about where there is an opportunity to connect, if you really just want to be in the room? How can you create space for that? Once you've disrupted that, Oh, my God, it's not okay, this is going to be like this forever, then there's room for you to actually have so many different other options to engage with your child.

Andy Earle
I also always love to think about those statements that we're telling ourselves like, Oh, if only this person would just do this, or if I could just do this better, that like imagining projecting into this perfect world, where, what if they just somehow just miraculously actually started doing that, or you started being able to do this? Would that just magically make you 100% Happy and everything in your life would be totally great. And you we tell ourselves to stare at it as if like, oh, this just one thing if this, if I could just get this figured out, or this person would just stop, you know, showing up this way. But it's not really about that. It's like, if that thing changed, we would just find something else just start obsessing. Exactly,

Rachel Rider
you know, actually, my bread and butter are kind of that niche that we work with our folks who basically have had it all they've accomplished at the height of their careers. They're highly successful, they're very well respected. And so they were living in this if I just and they got to the top, and they looked around, they're like, wait a second, this is it. Like, why am I not enjoying this more what you know, and so it's such a beaut, I love that line that you're seeing, because I think there's an opportunity as a parent to really explore that, too. When there's the if I just it's like, yeah, what if I just been I still have these five things, I still have my own inner world, I still have the human experience. And so to get to let that unravel, it gives you an opportunity to explore what's really going on in the moment.

Andy Earle
And as we get more awareness and get more clarity on what's really going on, and start to notice those patterns, then you talked about how we can begin to disrupt them.

Rachel Rider
Yeah, it's funny because I this is one of the premise in se that I think is one of the most powerful, the disruption of the pattern is not the doing of a new one. You know, there's so much discussion about replace a bad habit with a new habit. Yeah, I'm cool with that. And I think the only way that really changes is if before you try to replace the bad habit. You try to stop the bad habit and see the feelings and thoughts that arise. Mm hmm. Yeah, it's intense. You know, I an example I give in my book is my husband is a cook in the family. And thank God, one of the reasons why I married him, he's a wonderful cook. And a very long time I would walk into the kitchen and start to tell him how to chop the vegetables differently. And it's like, I say this, I'm slightly embarrassed like this I love but it's very true. And so it became such a habit that my husband, he would see me walk into the kitchen and he'd say you're doing it wrong to say what I was about to say to him. And first of all, that was such a beautiful loving way to highlight a pattern that I was creating. Thank you, my husband. And so after a while when he kept bringing this to my attention, I would say you know, I really don't want that to be The dynamic of me walking into the kitchen while he's making a beautiful meal. And so I thought, Okay, I've done the metalworks method on myself so many times I can count. And so I was like, Okay, it's time to try to just zip it. Walk into the kitchen, keep your mouth shut pattern disruption. Oh, first of all, it was viscerally painful. Like, actually, I it hurt, it hurt my chest. And I started getting this anxiety. And I was noticing, they hear me okay. I was starting to get this anxiety, I was noticing the thoughts coming up, which were, oh my God, he's doing this incredible thing. What am I doing? I'm just standing here. What is he gonna think he's probably keeping score. I don't do that. I never cook, and what am I doing for the family? And how am I and it was like, the Pandora's box of vulnerably. Receiving that is when I'm talking about pattern disruption, because what that revealed to me is, it wasn't about my husband cutting vegetables, it was about my terror, of receiving without being criticized, oh, I always do this for you, you never do blah, blah, blah. And that being an old pattern, or maybe. And so what pattern disruption does is, it's so beautifully undermines our belief system and what's true, and shows what we're trying to hide from and as a parent with a team, that can be so profoundly important and powerful. Because it can be very terrifying to see, or just delicious children turn in to these individual human beings who are trying to figure it out and are a little crazy. And so of course, our own stuff comes. And so being able to disrupt our own thinking allows us to see, okay, where's this my stuff? And where is this the team stuff? Is he just chopping vegetables differently? Or is he using the knife in another way that I should be concerned about? But first, we got to get clear on? Okay, maybe this isn't about what he's doing.

Andy Earle
That's so cool. Because I think that's such a dynamic that parents and teenagers fall into. So often, it's reminding them, Hey, do this, you forgot to do this, what about this and that teenager, kind of like, Oh, I know, like, I'll get to a worry about, leave me alone. And kind of just really, it's so easy to fall into that and it gets reinforced that then it sort of, you know, reset that in a different way. I love this idea of just noticing what those patterns are in your family or in the way that you communicate, and really trying consciously, just forcing yourself to not do it next time and then focus on noticing what springing up and how that's making you feel.

Rachel Rider
Yeah, and that's the thing I would say this is, what this does is it really highlights that maybe it's not an emergency, like maybe it's not an emergency that your teen hasn't done X, Y and Z for you to be able to see that then you can see when it is an emergency. And your team might be more amenable to hearing that if you've disrupted that emergency energy for clearing the table or hanging up the jacket or whatever it is that then it really shifts the dynamic between you too. And that's where the doing the inner work yourself as a parent can be so powerful.

Andy Earle
We're here today with Rachel rider talking about problematic parenting patterns, and how we can change them. And we're not done yet. Here's a look at what's coming up in the second half of the show.

Rachel Rider
Throw your survival mechanism a party, I'm serious. So no one is going to chill if they don't feel appreciated. And that survival mechanism of yours, man, they had been taking such good care of you. Yeah, maybe they get in the way, particularly when you're an adult. But they got you to where you are now. Like, let's throw them a party. And I mean it I want. There's very powerful data around mirror neurons in your nervous system. And so visualizations can be incredibly powerful. And so I want you to give that nervous system survival mechanism and Avatar. I'll tell you a few of mine. My anger and resentment is a bright green Jack dragon my self loathing is this like little squishy gray sloth like creature the size of a toothpick. I would I just love what you're mapping out here because this is what drives home the point that it's about our inner world. This is what helps me every day to help clients. We don't have to be so precious about it. Not because someone doesn't care and you do but because there's so many different kinds of caring. That means there's no right way. And the trigger you're having right now has a lot to do with you and your upbringing and your survival mechanism more And then what's going on in the room. And that, to me is so powerful because it disrupts this belief system of this is life or death. And it makes it more like, oh, okay, what am I contributing here? What's my role? You know, in Buddhism, they talk about how suffering highlight enlightenment, like you cannot possibly become enlightened without suffering. First of all, you wouldn't know the difference. And I share that, because when we start to see the habits come back. That to me is again, something to really be celebrated. Because it means you're noticing for me to be able, at the end of a day of thanksgiving to be like, Oh, my God, I was in it today was huge. Because it meant I saw that wasn't helpful anymore. And it meant, Oh, I get to try to do this differently. And so, you know, I like to talk about nurturing habits. It's not one and done. And it's actually a part of the work and a part of the journey, because you also get to experiment. Okay, it didn't work that way. For me, I need a little more this, or, you know, if I tried it differently, okay, that wasn't really they didn't land very well. Okay. Let's try it this way. And so the nurturing new habits is, it's vital and like not beating yourself up. Oh, I thought I'd been here before. Yeah, you have and now you get to try it differently since you noticed it. And that's a really important piece to all of this.

Andy Earle
Want to hear the full interview, sign up for a subscription today, you get access to all the interviews I've conducted, as well as new episodes, weeks before the general public. It's completely affordable and your subscription helps support the work we do here at talking to teens. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time.