Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Paul Smith is the author of three books: Parenting with a Story, Lead with a Story, and Sell with a Story. On this episode, he reveals how to tell teens stories that teach them important lessons about life. He also shares a few of his favorite parenting stories that you can steal and tell to your own kids.



Full show notes

Not Another Boring Story...

“Let me tell you how I learned the value of a dollar.” Does this sound like the beginning of a riveting story? No! It sounds like a long, boring charade that your grandfather will go on about for 45 minutes while you pretend to listen. Hopefully you won’t have to remember specific details later because there’s no way you took anything away from this one-sided conversation. Why don’t people realize that their tedious recollections are not an effective way of teaching teens lessons using stories?

Have you considered that your kid might feel this way every time you try teaching teens lessons using stories? Surely this isn’t the case, right? At least some stories from your youth you’ve told to your teen have left an impression on them. They have to know that you lived a full life before they were born and that there’s plenty of wisdom for you to pass on to them. But to be frank, it’s probably only the crazy stories — like the time you drove your mom’s station wagon through your neighbor’s yard — that they actually remember.

Teaching teens lessons using stories can help them learn how to deal with the struggles that come with growing up — should they choose to listen. That being said, what’s the best way to tell stories that’ll have a lasting impression on them and not just be ignored? In this interview, we ask one of Ink Magazine’s “Top 100 Leadership Speakers of 2018.”

Paul Smith is the author of three books on storytelling, Lead with a Story, Parenting with a Story, and most recently, Sell with a Story. He has interviewed hundreds of successful people all over the world and collected the most impactful stories from their lives. In this episode, Smith discusses how teaching teens lessons using stories can be achieved by sharing your experiences, as well as those passed on from friends and family, in a way that is impactful and interesting to your teen.

Before becoming an author, Smith spent much of his time listening to renowned leaders tell stories about how to inspire, motivate, or instruct others in the workplace. He closely studied the methods discussed in these stories, finding out what did and didn’t work. Smith then set out to write a book about how these stories can be used to teach leadership in the workplace. However, after interviewing hundreds of successful people all over the world, he realized that many of the findings he collected could also be used for teaching teens lessons using stories. That inspired him to write his second publication, Parenting with a Story.

As a parent you might be racking your brain for stories that will be applicable to your teens life. Sure you’ve had a few wild experiences (and some you don’t ever want your kid to know) but for the most part, you might have a hard time teaching teens lessons using stories because you can’t seem to find any stories that will be interesting and relatable to them. Smith acknowledges that because their upbringing is a generation removed from their teen, many parents worry that their stories will come off as mundane or out of touch.

Smith insists that teaching teens lessons using stories is all about drawing the right types of stories out of people. He found that oftentimes people don’t think of experiences they’ve had in their life as stories unless their brain connects it with a specific value or lesson they learned. Smith realized that he was able to find better stories when he asked people to tell him something interesting or surprising that’s happened to them. Smith recommends that parents think about how surprising things you’ve experienced ended up impacting your life in a bigger way than expected. For example, maybe when you met your spouse you initially thought they were pretentious and obnoxious. But somehow you came around to liking and eventually marrying them. Funny stories like this will make your kid laugh and can also teach them how first impressions aren’t always accurate.

In this interview, Smith offers many other tips for teaching teens lessons using stories including how to structure your story in an intriguing way. He states that not all stories should be told chronologically because sometimes the most interesting part happens in the very beginning. Human brains are wired to remember things better when there's a surprise or twist at the end. Think about it, wouldn’t you enjoy a story more if you didn’t know what would happen next?

Smith shares an anecdote he often uses for teaching teens lessons using stories. It’s about a young boy who, much to his mother’s frustration, spends all his time in the kitchen watching his kettle boil water and release steam. It’s not until the end of this story that he reveals it’s actually about James Watt, the man who would go on to invent the steam engine. Smith points out that what makes this story memorable is that he didn’t initially tell you who this story was about — the twist ending is what really sticks with you. Of course you might not have a remarkable story like this, but that doesn’t mean you can’t craft one of your own experiences into something just as intriguing. The key is to find the most surprising part, like how you won $1,000 on a gameshow you went on in High School, and save it for the end to really pack a punch.

Effectively teaching teens lessons using stories, you have to let the teenager discover the answer for themself. Once you’ve hooked them in with a cleverly crafted story, ask them what their takeaways were. You may be hoping it’s something specific like, “parents always know best” or “treat people the way you want to be treated,” but Smith insists that you need let them come to their own conclusion. Teen’s have a high need for autonomy and when their parents tell them what to take away from the story, they often feel compelled to do the exact opposite.

A common misconception of teaching teens lessons using stories is that it’s about giving advice to your teens. But the truth is, they don't really want your advice. Teenagers often feel misunderstood, and as a parent, you’re only making matters worse if you use storytelling as an opportunity to force your beliefs onto them.

What teens actually want is for you to listen to them and value their opinion. By using Smith’s tips on crafting a good story, you can present them with an interesting, applicable, and concise tale that paves the way for them to open up to you. When you are done telling the story, let them do the talking. Only if your teen comes away with the exact wrong conclusion should you intervene and try to redirect the conversation. If you find yourself in this situation, Smith offers further tips for helping teens come to the right conclusions in the full version of the episode.

When you listen in to the extended cut of this interview, you’ll hear Smith’s 8 simple steps to turn any vivid memory from your past into a sizzling story that will teach your teenager a valuable life lesson. He also discusses other ways of teaching teens lessons using stories including…

This episode includes some of Smith’s personal favorite parenting stories, including an important lesson about what it means to be a man that he learned by watching his dad eat a quiche. Tune in to hear the many informative, intriguing, and even irreverent stories of author Paul Smith.

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