Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Wendy Behary, author of "Disarming the Narcissist" talks about how to deal with a self absorbed teenager. What is the best way for parents to handle self centered teenage problems? One of the big topics covered in this episode is how to tell a self absorbed teenager that something he or she is doing is not OK.



Full show notes

It’s no secret that teens can get wrapped up in their own world, but what happens when they start treating others disrespectfully? Hogging the conversation out of a need for admiration. Raising their voice. Thinking it’s okay to slam the door shut in your face. These are the symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder that a selfish teenager will exhibit. Luckily, there are ways to deal with a selfish teenager that can actually strengthen your relationship.

However, if your selfish teenager’s behavior goes unchecked, they can develop bad habits that will leave them socially isolated in the long run. You don’t want your child to react with rage or contempt when they come across the slightest inconvenience as an adult. Further, narcissism can cause your teen to experience major problems dealing with stress, anxiety, and depression.

That’s exactly what I talk about in this week’s podcast episode with Wendy Behary, author of Disarming the Narcissist…Surviving and Thriving with the Self-Absorbed. Wendy has been treating patients, training professionals, and supervising psychotherapists for more than 20 years! She’s also worked as a member of the Cognitive Therapy Center faculty and Schema Therapy Institute of New York.

Her research has led to many in-depth publications about schema therapy and cognitive therapy such as

Wendy’s private practice is primarily focused on treating narcissists, partners/people engaged with narcissists, and couples experiencing relationship problems. She also coaches clients on interpersonal problem-solving, anxiety, and communication. If anyone knows about handling selfish teenagers, it’s Wendy.

During the podcast, we talk about how schema therapy can help parents deal with selfish teenagers. In addition to discussing how schema therapy can be applied with helpful scripts and examples, Wendy walks me through three primary concepts of the approach:

Knowing how schemas play into cognitive development and communication can help you curb narcissistic behavior in your selfish teenager. Here’s a peek into the process:

In essence, schemas are a category of thought that we hold in our brain. Think of them as quick connections or triggers that your brain uses to associate between different things.

For example, when a child learns about horses for the first time, they might understand that it is covered in hair, has four legs, and a tail. This group of information is the child’s schema for a horse. Though, when they encounter a dog, they might think it’s a horse as well because they share the same characteristics that are associated with their “horse schema.” So, what do schemas have to do with narcissism?

When children grow up, they develop a schema for their emotional needs; the characteristics associated with appearance, attention, give-and-take, competition, and personal performance. Narcissistic teens have a social and emotional schema that needs attention. They aren’t content with being on equal ground with others. Instead, selfish teenagers need to outperform others in a social context, maximize their personal ease, and seek out validation from friends and family. Sound familiar?

According to Wendy, a narcissist’s emotional schema can be inherited through several means. Sometimes it’s genetic, but selfish teenagers can also learn narcissistic behavior from the environment they grow up in.

Let’s say, a young child is faced with a problem like cleaning up a mess. The child’s parent might work too quickly to help them if they struggle. This overparenting can cause teens to later feel entitled, demand things, or even break the rules depending on how privileged they feel.

Wendy says that selfish behaviors are often set off by triggers, or when a child remembers the negative rewards they felt when they behaved badly in the past and got a reaction from their parents. Selfish teenagers that elicit negative reactions from their parents, do so to garner attention.

To respond to selfish teenagers, Wendy suggests resisting the temptation to react impulsively. Whether your child is struggling with a task or exhibiting rude behavior, it’s important to give your kids some space to work out their problems. She says they need a chance to struggle independently, learn from failures, and understand that some of their strategies––like selfish behavior––won’t elicit the kinds of responses they want.

If you find yourself in a position where your teen’s narcissistic behavior strikes a chord, Wendy advises parents to take a moment to reflect on why this is happening. First, you recognize what kinds of attention they are after and then you teach them to target empathetic social skills. Parents can adjust their child’s schema to respond to considerate communication. This is called schema therapy.

If schemas are compartments of knowledge and behavior, then schema therapy is all about compartmentalization. It’s about feeding the good behaviors with positive social responses in your teen and holding your child accountable for when they act out. So, when a selfish teenager’s social and self-schemas are associated with neediness and attention, rather than virtues like respectful communication and mindfulness, parents can help them adjust.

Wendy advises parents to address deeper levels of their child’s needs when it comes to narcissistic behavior. This means recognizing that when your child acts out, there are different parts of them that are competing for the controls. You know they have the potential to be kind and patient, but right now, the impatient and selfish side is winning.

Think of it like waiting in line for some ice cream. Your teen usually tips the salesperson when they visit, but today, there are a lot of kids in line in front of them. They might not be in the “tipping schema” when they leave. Instead, they’re in the “I want to leave schema,” so they don’t take the generous route and tip the merchant. When this happens, Wendy says you can address this behavior directly and be tough on the “I want to leave schema” by itself.

None of us are just a monolithic, one-dimensional personality. We have many sides to our personality. Recognizing this helps us understand that a selfish teenager isn’t just a selfish teenager. Observing the complexity of your child’s personality, you can address the harmful aspects directly in a conversation. Next time your child exhibits selfish behavior, you can say something like:

When you investigate the harmful aspects of your teenager’s personality, they can better understand how their behavior negatively impacts others. It also lets them reflect on how they deal with stressful situations.

“When you raise your voice, it doesn’t actually reflect your thoughts. I’d love to hear what you have to say, but right now you’re using a side of you that isn’t open to conversation. Is there anyone else who can take the wheel on this one?”

What I also like about the compartmentalization approach is how it eliminates blaming your teen or using shame to define them. When you say, “It’s not your fault that you learned to act this way, but it is your responsibility to manage your behavior,” you’re inviting them to make more mindful decisions when they communicate. While the selfish teenager is a part of your child, they don’t have to feed into it. They can nourish the part of them that is generous and thoughtful instead.

To hear about how Empathetic Confrontation works to mitigate the behavior of selfish teenagers, be sure to tune for the whole episode!

There are so many more techniques that Wendy shares with me about dealing with selfish teenagers and disarming the narcissist in us all. We expand on Wendy’s robust approach to talk about things like:

I’m thankful that Wendy shared her insight with me this week about the psychology behind narcissism and selfish teenagers. She has so much wisdom for parents to learn from, and easy-to-use tools to help parents deal with self-centered behavior. I found Wendy’s advice to be comprehensible and enlightening, and I know you will, too!

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