Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Lianna Tsangarides, a family therapist and leading expert in Dialectical Behavior Therapy points out that teens are struggling with some significant inner conflicts. Lianna teaches us how to reduce external type of conflict as a parent by understanding more about the inner type of conflict.



Full show notes

Let's face it: conflict is a way of life when you have a teenager in the house. They can often seem to be masters in turning every small thing into an argument. There might also be times when you find yourself conflicting over big decisions in life such as college choices or their career path. When this happens, effective conflict resolution for teens can improve communication and help you come to a place of compassionate understanding. But how can you achieve this with an overdramatic teenager?

When emotions run high, it can be difficult to come to a place of mutual understanding. It may feel like your teen is being difficult for the sake of being difficult, while your teen thinks the exact same about you. But fear not! There are ways to achieve conflict resolution for teens that both validate your teen and assert your authority as a parent.

In this episode, we spoke to author Lianna Tsangarides, a clinical social worker who specializes in conflict resolution for teens and young adults. She specialized in patients with a history of addiction, trauma and depression. She points out that there are also significant inner conflicts that teens are struggling to deal with themselves.

Lianna teaches us how conflict resolution for teens is possible when parents understand more about their teen’s inner conflict. Although it may be an uncomfortable moment, learning how to interact with someone you’re at odds with is a valuable skill for everyone involved. Conflict forces you to be an active communicator and listener.

The first step to conflict resolution for teens is being able to recognize their internal conflicts. For instance, on one hand they want independence and autonomy but on the other hand they still need help and support from their parents. Tsangarides points to “dialectical behavioral therapy”, or DBT for short, to help process these ideas.

“Dialectical” refers to the idea of having two opposing things that are equally true and valid all at the same time. Teenagers striving for independence and looking for support is an example of this. On one hand, teens are excited to explore the world on their own terms without their parents supervising them. On the other hand, because they are so young, they are not mature enough to support themselves entirely.

Parents can also exhibit dialectical behavior. For example, parents can protectively hold on to their children while at the same time push them to autonomy by giving them responsibilities. Finding a healthy and realistic middle ground between these ideas is the foundation to conflict resolution for teens because it requires you to come to a verdict that benefits everyone. Your teens won’t be teens forever, but while they’re at this age, parenting them is a balancing act.

In this episode, Lianna works through a specific example of how you can handle a disagreement with a teenager and explains that there are different kinds of validation. To achieve conflict resolution for teens, use words of affirmation and give them the space they need to air their feelings.

1. How to slow things down when your teen is acting really intense:

The first step in conflict resolution for teens is controlling your emotions. When emotions are running high, your teen may very well see you as the bad guy in this situation. The last thing you want to do is to give them any fuel to that mindset. Have your first response be something calm and kind.

"I hear this is really important to you. I want to give it the time and the thought that it deserves. I'm going to get back to you. And I'm really glad you came and talked to me about this."

This validates your teen’s strong feelings. When your teen is feeling strongly about anything, the last thing you should do is brush them off, underplay or completely disregard their feelings. Start by letting them know that you understand how strongly they are feeling in this moment.

2. Use the value of Integrity:

The second step in achieving conflict resolution for teens is to teach them how to be accountable. If your teen is dropping the ball in regards to things like being on time or finishing their homework, you should emphasize the power of sticking to their word.

"You know, things are going to change in your life all the time. You can't go to your boss once you get a job and say, ‘You know, the TV schedule changed last night and I had to watch my show, so I didn't get that report done. But it's coming soon.’ You'll be fired! Things are going to change in your life all the time. You still have to follow through on your word. If I only teach you one thing in your life and it's the importance of staying true to your word, then I'll consider that a huge success."

Sometimes, teens may not see how their behavior may grow into an unhealthy trait in the future. You can use your experience as an adult to help paint a larger picture for your teen. Don’t approach it as dictating your opinion, rather, showing them an informed perspective.

3. How to enforce a teen's curfew using a value of Health:

The third step to conflict resolution for teens is teaching them how to properly negotiate, specifically regarding curfews. When your teen wants to stay out late with their friends on a school night, they may ask for their curfew to be lifted. Start by highlighting how staying out late may affect them instead of making it all about the rules.

"Sleep is really important. I know how melatonin works in your brain and how the sleep cycle works and it's just not going to develop properly if we start messing with your sleep cycle. It's a health issue."

In this scenario, you’re emphasizing that you come from a place of caring and concern for their health. This communicates the fact that you’re not just trying to be mean and strict, rather, you’re being loving.

This also asserts the importance of boundaries that were previously set. This also emphasizes that changing a boundary can never be one sided. Although conversations like these may not be enjoyable, they are absolutely crucial and valuable to have.

4. How to enforce a teen's curfew using a value of Safety:

If the health aspect doesn’t break through to your teen, a fourth step you can take in achieving conflict resolution for teens is to elucidate how safety and security is an issue.

"This is when we go to sleep. So if you were out past that and there was an emergency we wouldn't be able to respond and help. It wouldn't be safe."

This also emphasizes the point that you’re concerned for them and not trying to make their lives difficult or less fun. Sometimes it’s difficult for teens to see that parents do in fact want the best for them. By giving a concrete reason for curfew, such as their physical safety, teens are more likely to honor their curfew.

5. What to say after your teen yells or calls you the WORST:

The fifth step to reaching conflict resolution for teens is avoiding blaming or name calling. Although it may stir up negative emotions within you, your job as a parent is to be the bigger person and set an example for your teen, no matter how mad or frustrated they are with you. By validating your teen’s emotions, you are de-escalating a tough situation.

"I hear that I'm really upsetting you right now. I must have done something that's really angered you. I can hear that you're really upset––you're really mad at me. Sounds like you don't really want to be around me right now."

This goes back to the first point about validating your teen’s feelings. Even when they say something out of anger and frustration, validate that. Responding to anger with even more anger escalates the conflict, which is the exact opposite of the goal at hand. Practice validation in times of tranquility as well as in times of heightened emotions.

In this episode Lianna speaks on the following ideas:

Understanding that opposing ideas can co-exist is a big step in de-escalating conflict in your household. Resolving conflicts with teens can be hard but it can be done. Listen to the episode to learn more about DBT and the role of validation when you’re in the midst of a disagreement with your teen.

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