Ep 48: Gaslighting and Emotional Manipulation
Stephanie Sarkis, author of Gaslighting, explains how parents should handle emotionally manipulative teenagers, partners, and ex-partners. She also shares strategies for preparing your teen to deal with emotionally manipulative people in their own lives.
Full show notes
What is Gaslighting?
Has anyone ever dismissed you as crazy when you made a perfectly valid point? Have you ever been accused of lying about how a certain event unfolded? Have you ever realized someone was being overly complimentary towards you only so they could use you for something? Though these equally unpleasant situations may seem disparate, they all have one thing in common. They are all forms of gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a term often used in reference to psychologically toxic relationships. You may or may not be familiar with this word as it has only become common speak in the past few years. Common examples of gaslighters can include anti-feminist men who when discussing the gender wage gap say “women get paid less because they don’t work as hard as men.” On the contrary, a woman can also gaslight a man she’s in a relationship with by saying “It’s actually your fault that I cheated on you. I wouldn’t stray if you would just lose 30 pounds.” Gaslighting doesn’t just occur in romantic relationships, it can also happen in professional and social contexts. And though gaslighting is more common amongst adults, teenagers can also become acquainted with gaslighting whether they are using the tactic itself or are in a romantic relationship where they’re the one being gaslighted.
Gaslighting is defined as a form of manipulation in which a person sows seeds of doubt in another individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. If this sounds familiar to you as a parent, you may be struggling to figure out how to deal with manipulative teenagers like this. But if you don’t have a manipulative teenager yourself, the last thing you want as a parent is for your teen to be involved with a romantic partner who’s a gaslighter. If either your kid or their partner lies, ignores, or is manipulative in order to get their way, you may be left wondering how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care about the feelings or requests of others.
In order to figure out how to deal with manipulative teenagers I interviewed Stephanie Sarkis, author of the book Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People--And Break Free. Sarkis first started writing about gaslighting in an article for Psychology Today. Millions of people read and shared the piece because they identified with being in the type of relationship Sarkis wrote about, where subtle manipulation tactics were used to make you feel bad about yourself. All the positive feedback she got inspired her to write Gaslighting. In this episode, Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers, partners, and ex-partners. She also shares strategies for preparing your teen to deal with conniving people in their own lives.
Avoiding Toxic Relationships
In this episode we detail how to deal with manipulative teenagers by dissecting the habits and behaviors of gaslighters. Gaslighters are often very charismatic creatures that draw people in with their constant compliments and undying adoration. Once they have your affection; however, their true colors start to show as they isolate you from others by telling you not to trust your friends and family members. Gaslighters have conviction and foresight, and when it sounds like they're making perfect sense, you're already in their trap.
If you’re wondering how to deal with manipulative teenagers or people who portray behaviors like this, Sarkis suggests cutting these gaslighters out of your life entirely. Block their phone number and emails, block them on Facebook, and stop reading their letters. However, Sarkis recognizes that this isn’t always possible when the gaslighter is someone whose presence you can’t escape, like your ex-spouse. This avoidance tactic is especially ineffective if you have kids with the gaslighter. After all, cutting them out could be more harmful to your teen than beneficial to you.
When there’s a gaslighter in your life that you have no choice but to interact with, Sarkis explains that there are different tactics you can take depending on the severity of their manipulative behavior. For example, your ex-spouse may be someone who talks badly about you to your teen, fails to hold up their end of the bargain financially, or habitually shows up late when you are supposed to swap kids. If you find that they are repeatedly bashing you or leaving you with all the responsibilities that should be shared, you may be tempted to reveal to your teen how vindictive they really are. Sarkis insists that you do not take this road—it’s unfair to put your teen in the middle. Additionally, you want to avoid saying things to your teen that can be used as ammunition by the other parent.
Essentially, Sarkis says to keep communication with your ex to a professional minimum. If you need to vent about your ex, she suggests talking to a third party, such as a coworker or therapist. If your ex refuses to be cordial with you, it may be necessary to meet with a coordinator to create a parenting plan. Tune into this episode to hear what a parenting plan is and how it can be a great help when you are stuck co-parenting with a gaslighter.
What if the gaslighter you're dealing with isn’t your former significant other but your teen’s current one? Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers when said teenager is someone your kid is dating. If you outright tell your teen to dump them, you’ll most likely be met with great resistance. Think about it—if your teenager is totally smitten, your attempt to end their relationship may come off as jealousy and can cause them to latch onto the relationship even harder. Any attempt to figure out how to deal with a teenager that doesn't care about your opinion on their boyfriend or girlfriend needs to come from a non-judgmental place.
Sarkis’ advice on how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care is to avoid sounding didactic. When you come off as knowing better than your kid, they’ll tune you out. Instead try relating to your teen by sharing your own story of a time when you suffered emotional abuse. Obviously you don’t have to go into graphic detail. In order to keep appropriate boundaries, make it a point to use examples from your social or professional life rather than your intimate life. For example, talk about a co-worker who pitted other co-workers against you so they could gain power over you in the office. Or about a friend who was only nice to your face when they needed a favor. The key is to find appropriate and relatable stories on how to deal with manipulative teenagers and adults alike.
Throwing Stones
Though not all teenagers are gaslighters, most have a manipulative streak at some point in their adolescence. Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers by pinpointing common habits associated with these troubled teens. She describes the concept of stonewalling, which is when a teenager pretends that you don’t exist. This can start with them avoiding things you asked them to do and eventually lead to them ignoring you altogether. Stonewalling motivations vary: they might be annoyed because you’ve been pushing them to apply to more universities when they’re already set on community college or they’re jealous of all the attention you’ve been giving their brother since he broke his arm. They then decide to blow off the college applications until the deadline comes or they give you a taste of your own medicine by completely neglecting you and their brother. In situations like this you may wonder how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care or respect your wishes?
For parents who want to know how to deal with manipulative teenagers, Sarkis states that you can’t let them see you affected by their stonewalling behaviors. You need to act like everything is normal and that you aren’t saddened or bothered by your teen’s avoidant tendencies. Sarkis explains that the best answer to how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care to acknowledge you is to stop caring yourself. After all, stonewalling is a tactic that your teen uses to get power over people when they aren't doing what they want. If they aren’t getting a reaction out of you, your teen will likely give up and start treating you normally again. At this point, Sarkis urges parents to calmly but firmly confront their teen on their stonewalling behavior. Your teen will likely be very embarrassed that they’ve been caught and will know that they’ll be unsuccessful if they attempt to stonewall you again.
In this intriguing episode about how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care about other people’s feelings, Stephanie Sarkis talks in depth about what you can say to warn teens about emotional manipulation ahead of time so that they will have their defenses up when they come across gaslighters in their life. She explains how open communication can be used to help your teen recognize if they are in a toxic relationship, how to get out of it, and how you can stop them from dating gaslighters in the future.
In this interview with Sarkis, we go into depth about how to deal with manipulative teenagers and other gaslighter-adjacent topics such as...
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Full show notes
What is Gaslighting?
Has anyone ever dismissed you as crazy when you made a perfectly valid point? Have you ever been accused of lying about how a certain event unfolded? Have you ever realized someone was being overly complimentary towards you only so they could use you for something? Though these equally unpleasant situations may seem disparate, they all have one thing in common. They are all forms of gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a term often used in reference to psychologically toxic relationships. You may or may not be familiar with this word as it has only become common speak in the past few years. Common examples of gaslighters can include anti-feminist men who when discussing the gender wage gap say “women get paid less because they don’t work as hard as men.” On the contrary, a woman can also gaslight a man she’s in a relationship with by saying “It’s actually your fault that I cheated on you. I wouldn’t stray if you would just lose 30 pounds.” Gaslighting doesn’t just occur in romantic relationships, it can also happen in professional and social contexts. And though gaslighting is more common amongst adults, teenagers can also become acquainted with gaslighting whether they are using the tactic itself or are in a romantic relationship where they’re the one being gaslighted.
Gaslighting is defined as a form of manipulation in which a person sows seeds of doubt in another individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment. If this sounds familiar to you as a parent, you may be struggling to figure out how to deal with manipulative teenagers like this. But if you don’t have a manipulative teenager yourself, the last thing you want as a parent is for your teen to be involved with a romantic partner who’s a gaslighter. If either your kid or their partner lies, ignores, or is manipulative in order to get their way, you may be left wondering how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care about the feelings or requests of others.
In order to figure out how to deal with manipulative teenagers I interviewed Stephanie Sarkis, author of the book Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People--And Break Free. Sarkis first started writing about gaslighting in an article for Psychology Today. Millions of people read and shared the piece because they identified with being in the type of relationship Sarkis wrote about, where subtle manipulation tactics were used to make you feel bad about yourself. All the positive feedback she got inspired her to write Gaslighting. In this episode, Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers, partners, and ex-partners. She also shares strategies for preparing your teen to deal with conniving people in their own lives.
Avoiding Toxic Relationships
In this episode we detail how to deal with manipulative teenagers by dissecting the habits and behaviors of gaslighters. Gaslighters are often very charismatic creatures that draw people in with their constant compliments and undying adoration. Once they have your affection; however, their true colors start to show as they isolate you from others by telling you not to trust your friends and family members. Gaslighters have conviction and foresight, and when it sounds like they're making perfect sense, you're already in their trap.
If you’re wondering how to deal with manipulative teenagers or people who portray behaviors like this, Sarkis suggests cutting these gaslighters out of your life entirely. Block their phone number and emails, block them on Facebook, and stop reading their letters. However, Sarkis recognizes that this isn’t always possible when the gaslighter is someone whose presence you can’t escape, like your ex-spouse. This avoidance tactic is especially ineffective if you have kids with the gaslighter. After all, cutting them out could be more harmful to your teen than beneficial to you.
When there’s a gaslighter in your life that you have no choice but to interact with, Sarkis explains that there are different tactics you can take depending on the severity of their manipulative behavior. For example, your ex-spouse may be someone who talks badly about you to your teen, fails to hold up their end of the bargain financially, or habitually shows up late when you are supposed to swap kids. If you find that they are repeatedly bashing you or leaving you with all the responsibilities that should be shared, you may be tempted to reveal to your teen how vindictive they really are. Sarkis insists that you do not take this road—it’s unfair to put your teen in the middle. Additionally, you want to avoid saying things to your teen that can be used as ammunition by the other parent.
Essentially, Sarkis says to keep communication with your ex to a professional minimum. If you need to vent about your ex, she suggests talking to a third party, such as a coworker or therapist. If your ex refuses to be cordial with you, it may be necessary to meet with a coordinator to create a parenting plan. Tune into this episode to hear what a parenting plan is and how it can be a great help when you are stuck co-parenting with a gaslighter.
What if the gaslighter you're dealing with isn’t your former significant other but your teen’s current one? Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers when said teenager is someone your kid is dating. If you outright tell your teen to dump them, you’ll most likely be met with great resistance. Think about it—if your teenager is totally smitten, your attempt to end their relationship may come off as jealousy and can cause them to latch onto the relationship even harder. Any attempt to figure out how to deal with a teenager that doesn't care about your opinion on their boyfriend or girlfriend needs to come from a non-judgmental place.
Sarkis’ advice on how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care is to avoid sounding didactic. When you come off as knowing better than your kid, they’ll tune you out. Instead try relating to your teen by sharing your own story of a time when you suffered emotional abuse. Obviously you don’t have to go into graphic detail. In order to keep appropriate boundaries, make it a point to use examples from your social or professional life rather than your intimate life. For example, talk about a co-worker who pitted other co-workers against you so they could gain power over you in the office. Or about a friend who was only nice to your face when they needed a favor. The key is to find appropriate and relatable stories on how to deal with manipulative teenagers and adults alike.
Throwing Stones
Though not all teenagers are gaslighters, most have a manipulative streak at some point in their adolescence. Sarkis explains how to deal with manipulative teenagers by pinpointing common habits associated with these troubled teens. She describes the concept of stonewalling, which is when a teenager pretends that you don’t exist. This can start with them avoiding things you asked them to do and eventually lead to them ignoring you altogether. Stonewalling motivations vary: they might be annoyed because you’ve been pushing them to apply to more universities when they’re already set on community college or they’re jealous of all the attention you’ve been giving their brother since he broke his arm. They then decide to blow off the college applications until the deadline comes or they give you a taste of your own medicine by completely neglecting you and their brother. In situations like this you may wonder how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care or respect your wishes?
For parents who want to know how to deal with manipulative teenagers, Sarkis states that you can’t let them see you affected by their stonewalling behaviors. You need to act like everything is normal and that you aren’t saddened or bothered by your teen’s avoidant tendencies. Sarkis explains that the best answer to how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care to acknowledge you is to stop caring yourself. After all, stonewalling is a tactic that your teen uses to get power over people when they aren't doing what they want. If they aren’t getting a reaction out of you, your teen will likely give up and start treating you normally again. At this point, Sarkis urges parents to calmly but firmly confront their teen on their stonewalling behavior. Your teen will likely be very embarrassed that they’ve been caught and will know that they’ll be unsuccessful if they attempt to stonewall you again.
In this intriguing episode about how to deal with a teenager that doesn’t care about other people’s feelings, Stephanie Sarkis talks in depth about what you can say to warn teens about emotional manipulation ahead of time so that they will have their defenses up when they come across gaslighters in their life. She explains how open communication can be used to help your teen recognize if they are in a toxic relationship, how to get out of it, and how you can stop them from dating gaslighters in the future.
In this interview with Sarkis, we go into depth about how to deal with manipulative teenagers and other gaslighter-adjacent topics such as...
- How to Prepare your Teenager for Dealing with Emotionally Manipulative People
- Warning your Teen About the Signs of Gaslighters—Before they Get Involved with One
- How to Set and Enforce Healthy Boundaries with your Teen
- How to Avoid Being Emotionally Manipulative yourself
This week’s subject is a serious but important one. It’s imperative to be informed about relatively new terms such as gaslighting. Being informed is the first step to making sure that you and your teen form healthy and safe relationships with others, whether platonically, professionally, or romantically. Overall, I hope this interview teaches you how to deal with manipulative teenagers in a constructive, non-judgmental, and most importantly, loving way.
Creators and Guests
Guest
Stephanie Moulton Sarkis PhD
Author, board-cert. counselor; @UF & @NasaSocial alum; @AMHCA1 diplomate. #ToxicRelationships book out now https://t.co/G3Q8SZnekt
