Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

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Andy Earle: You are listening to Talking to Teens where we speak with leading experts from a variety of disciplines about the art and science of parenting teenagers. I'm your host, Andy Earle.

We're here today talking about how to teach our teenagers critical adulting skills.

As you get older and start managing your own life, there are just certain lessons that can really only be learned through experience. These are the situations that lead to parents getting calls in the middle of the night.

Our guest today, Rob Finlay, was tired of getting those late night calls from his own kids.

So he compiled their most common questions and he went out to a bunch of experts and put together [00:01:00] a guide on all of the adulting answers that teens today need to know. And it's called, Hey Dad.

Really excited to have Rob Finlay on the show today. Rob, thank you so much for being here.

Robert Finlay: Andy, thank you so much for having me. It's quite an honor, so thank you.

Andy Earle: Yes. Rob, you've been, working on this book called Hey Dad, which has a lot of heart, really helpful perspective and stories and insights from your parenting journey.

Talk to me about this. What inspired you to put all this energy into creating a book and where did the concept of Hey Dad come from?

Robert Finlay: Sure.

Well, I want you to picture this, and for all your listeners, I think you can probably relate to this. it's the middle of the night. I'm sound asleep and all of a sudden my phone rings.

every parent knows a phone call in the middle of the night is always scary. So I get up and at my age and I'm in my fifties. [00:02:00] sleep is a big deal. my heart's racing. I pick up the phone. I see it's one of my daughters.

I'm gasping for breath. I'm like, What's wrong? that's my first thing. And I get this, Hey dad, I'm at a gas station. Can I put the green gas in my Jeep? I'm like, wait a second. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Like, okay, I come down. There's no, no critical emergency, right?

Andy Earle: Is anyone's life in danger?

Robert Finlay: I'd known she'd been traveling. She was on a road trip from the Midwest to Texas. but I'm like, wait a second. Green gas. All of a sudden it dawned on me, wait a second. Is she talking about diesel? Is she asking me at the middle of the night if she can put diesel in her gas Jeep?

I was like, no, sweetie, you can't. Clearly, no, you can't. But at that point, it made me realize, have I taught my kids all that they need to know to be a functioning adult here? she was about to graduate from college. and she's asking me questions like that.

And when I was talking to other friends of mine and we all sort of commiserated around the same thing, it's like, boy, our kids keep on asking us these questions. Like, did we not [00:03:00] do our job as parents to educate our kids on what they need to do to be an adult? The hey dad was actually my wife's idea because after this phone call in the middle of the night, it woke her up as well.

She's like, you know what? I know you enjoy writing books. Why don't you write a book on all the stuff that your kids ask or they should know? And that started it.

for the next year, I interviewed 30 experts in all topics from buying cars to how often you should clean your house, to starting a job, to getting a job, personal finance, taxes, everything that I thought would make at least a base foundation for a young person to go into adulthood.

Andy Earle: I see. And you pulled it all together into these hey dad moments. I love that. I think there are so many of those things I wonder how often those are still going to exist in a world of, hey Siri. Maybe we should treasure those Hey dad moments.

Robert Finlay: I think, when the AI gets [00:04:00] really good at being able to forecast and come back. that will be, you know, maybe, we'll be out I always thought I was teaching my kids. I'm a parent of four.

I run businesses, so I deal with young people all the time and, you hope that they're listening, but you never really know until you get that call. But I've also learned, That it's also a comfort, right? I like the calls. I like the calls at seven o'clock. I like the calls at, you know, Hey, 10 o'clock in the morning's.

Hey, call me at eight o'clock in the morning. I love that. they learn. I realize that a lot of it is just maybe a little bit more of a confidence, right? And there are some things that do require that I've been around for a while. I always welcome the calls, but I'm truly trying to give young adults the foundation to grow. to be good people and learn.

It's scary. And I know that a lot of your, audience is really about teenage kids. I've listened to some of your podcasts and I'm fortunate I don't have to go through those teenage years again. I, applaud every parent out there. You'll get through it, I promise you.

you might have a little [00:05:00] less hair, but you'll get through it. but ultimately, our children are always, and I used to use this analogy, it's almost like they're on this magic carpet ride. You know when you go to the airport and it's like these moving sidewalks, right?

You step on it and you go into your gate, right? And I, I put the analogy to our kids' life. they're almost on this magic carpet ride where they get on and then finally it stops. Like, okay, you're done. You're out of high school or college. That train has stopped, that magic carpet has stopped. you now have to rely upon everything you've learned to become a functioning adult. it's scary, it's hard, and it's, it's a, it's a critical point that parents right now is for teenagers.

You need to start focusing on that.

Andy Earle: And at a certain point there is no preset path for you. You have to start figuring things out for yourself. I think so much of that is a big theme in your book, of finding that balance between, how do you support your kids and, give them guidance, but also give [00:06:00] them the chance to experiment with trying to figure things out for themself and maybe not getting it right or failing.

and a lot of times, those experiences where, their plans don't work out are. The biggest lessons.

Robert Finlay: I think that's a big point, right? I think my mom always used to saying, well, the world will teach our kids. And, and I think that in many cases is correct, but it's also for us as an adult and as a parent to lay the foundation for your kids and build these building blocks.

the book, Hey Dad, isn't about everything. there's plenty of YouTube and there's plenty of things, Hey, how to tie a tie, how to do that stuff. That stuff is much more of a foundational thing. there's some basic things, and I think it starts out with you just graduated from this big life event, high school, college, whatever. What do you want to do? And that really becomes the key component. It's like, as I said, you've been on this magic carpet ride, now all of a sudden you get to decide.

You don't just automatically go into, you're no longer just a sophomore going to be a junior or a junior [00:07:00] into senior. You are now. Go get a job. Go get your bank accounts. Go find a place to live. go get a car. Like, all these things that you have to do as an adult, as well as being a functioning adult, which means being a good person, as well as knowing manners and etiquette and life skills, such as balancing checkbooks and how to get a check.

I get asked silly questions from my kids. why do I need a bank account? I use Zelle, sweetie you need to, you actually need to have a banking account. Well, I don't wanna go in there. They make me, you know, they ask for forms. there's a reason for that.

the book is meant to be a nice easy manual that gives the kids some interest. Everybody could still use some adulting, some skill set of adulting. I learned so much I interviewed 30 people, and these are experts.

One of 'em runs one of the largest department companies in the world. One of 'em a professional NASCAR driver, and his crew chief. This is the guy who won, Michael McDowell. he won Daytona 500. And I talked to them about maintaining cars.

'cause those are the [00:08:00] things that kids need to know.

How to navigate inside of a car dealership.

Right. the hey dad call that I hate the most is, Hey dad, I'm at the dealership and I wanna buy a car, should I buy it? these are things that, it's an adult decision. An adult action. But at the end of the day, if they weren't taught how to handle it and how to negotiate and how to do things.

Things that are outside their comfort level, it becomes more difficult. So I get asked a lot if you could go back in time, What would you do differently? Or what would you encourage people to do? I think I've come up with a couple.

One is to open up the dialogue with your children, no matter what it is. it could be stuff they might gloss over, right? If you start talking about credit card interest or savings or bank accounts or mortgages homes or rents I think a lot of times, and I look back at myself as a parent, I was probably telling my kids, study harder.

Go to school, do this, do that instead of really trying to incorporate a better understanding of why I want you to do this and why you would do this. [00:09:00] But once you start that open dialogue and putting them into experiences of social situations as well, having my kids more at dinners with business colleagues, getting them to expand. and I think it was a really remarkable thing.

I always used to enjoy having my kids come on business dinners with me because first of all, it, it detune the business conversation, right? It didn't have to be such a hard sell. it also, gave the kids the experience and understanding of being in a situation that they're not normally right.

I'm not hanging out with my friends at Chick-fil-A. I have to dress, have manners. Having that kind of balance. But there are some basic skills and key components such as compounding. most people think of compounding in the world of financial sense, and it is incredibly important in financial, right.

Invest a little, save a little adds huge results. compounding can apply to everything from habits, making small changes every day, compounds over time to deliver great results. [00:10:00] Doing things such as friendship and relationships, which as kids get older and they become young adults, that becomes much more challenging.

putting time in and making the effort to be a good friend adds and compounds to better relationships and healthy relationships. if we look at what being an adult is, it's being a good human, you're good to people, you're empathetic, you're trying to get a job. You're trying to work, you're paying your bills, trying to be a good person, but it all comes down. There's all these things that need to happen for you to do it.

Andy Earle: Wow. I love that.

You do talk about finances in the book a lot though. and it, it seems like a important theme that you cover in the book.

You talk to financial experts. What did you take away from that in terms of big things that parents might overlook when they're talking to teenagers about finances or things that we might not approach in the best way? Right.

Robert Finlay: Yeah, that's a great question because it all comes down to the approach.

[00:11:00] what's resonated with me on your show is the approach.I think if you approach your kids like, Hey, this is a stock, this is a bond, this is why you save, it's hard.

you're just throwing out academic stuff. But if they see the cause and effect or the benefit of it saying, Hey, do you know if you put a dollar away every week for 20 years, you could make, a hundred thousand dollars or whatever the number is, showing them the benefit of it.

I also think that kids want to gain more maturity and responsibility. things like understanding a credit card and understanding how bills work and credit scores are very powerful. and finances are a big part of this book.

Because it is a big part of life, right? If you don't have a job, you're not bringing money in. If you don't have money you're not paying your bills, you're living back with mom and dad and nobody really wants that, right? if you don't pay your bills, what happens to your credit score and how that really impacts you going forward?

And these are things that [00:12:00] really can hurt kids quickly, right? and we as parents, we try so hard to shelter our kids. yes, you want them to learn lessons, but there are some lessons you don't want them to learn. it's important that they learn these things like, Hey, you don't pay your bills.

I don't care what your excuse is. But if you don't pay your bills, it's gonna impact you for the rest of your life or for a long period. and show them. This is how a credit score works. And almost gamify it, right? the better credit score you have, the better things are.

It's cheaper for you to live. You can buy better places, you can buy more things. You can do all that, right? So there's a benefit. Better credit score equals this. In order to get to that, here are the things you have to do. Right. Get a small installment loan. And so I think that's the way I like to approach it.

But there's also, quite frankly, even as an adult, doing taxes, right? It's like, oh my gosh, what's this form K ones and this. And so even for me in the world of business, it's overwhelming. And then for your kid, oh,You're 21 years old. Go get [00:13:00] yourself an account at Fidelity and have your investment account. My kid's like, Whoa, why do I do that? I don't wanna give 'em my money. I don't wanna lose money. So giving them the foundation early on of why there is a benefit to learn, right?

Benefit of going through school, getting good grades. You get to have choices going forward. You get to choose the school or occupation that you want. you work out, you eat healthy. the output of that is, you feel better. You look better. Same thing with these adulting skills.

Understand how your car works. One of these days you'll need to know why you wanna put air in your tires so that you don't run on a flat tire and ruin your rim, which is Right. A $50 accident is how now, actually a 500 or a thousand dollars accident. Yeah.

not a fun one to learn. Always from experience. So that's the interesting thing with this book was all about experience, right? There were things that these experts brought up that I didn't think about. But quite frankly every parent for the most part has had to deal with this either themselves or will be asked this stuff in the future.

I look at this book as a simple, Hey, here's the head start, because it's [00:14:00] also not you telling your kids. Letting them learn. Let them explore on their own. Because I think, as I've witnessed, if I tell my kids something, they don't necessarily listen.

Right. It's almost becomes preachy or whatever. But if somebody else tells them, it would be, well that person said something and they know. and I would much rather have them getting this information from the head of, family banking at JP Morgan and not a TikTok.

Right. Right. It's like, trying to give them the foundational expertise.

Andy Earle: And where to go to find the information that's accurate is like the best result that you can get from your parenting is not necessarily that you're gonna teach them every answer, or that they're gonna now know all of the knowledge because of the conversations that you've had with them.

But hopefully it's that you've inspired them to, learn more about all of these different areas of life because you can improve and if you want to, here's how to find good [00:15:00] information about it.

Robert Finlay: When you arm yourself with knowledge, you become incredibly more powerful. So you can make your own decisions. And that's really what adulting is all about, right? as adults we're almost like our own little AI, right?

We consume information, data. And we output something, right? So when you look at stuff and say, wait a second, how does this person, drive a Lamborghini, they're 20 years old. How do they drive a Lamborghini and fly around the world?

And, why are they telling me that if I invest this dollar, I can make a billion dollars in one month. Like, those are things you start to learn that you, you can understand as, as an adult that you can understand that's what's real and what's, what's fake.

Andy Earle: What do you think, in terms of the best way to prepare kids today for such an uncertain career, situation? it feels like who knows what they're gonna be doing 10, 20 years from now in their career?

How do you even advise them on what to do, in a way that's gonna prepare them to. Take advantage of whatever they're doing.

Robert Finlay: So the first thing [00:16:00] is They shouldn't know what they're going to do in 15 years. the first chapter of this book, and probably one of the most difficult chapters I wrote was on exactly that.

And I've had to witness that myself with, with one of my kids. she had a very technical degree, computer science. right when she graduated, that technical skill, which she thought was gonna be sought after, I'm gonna have a job, I'm gonna make lots of money. Don't you worry about me, dad, I'm gonna send you money.

Don't worry, I'm gonna pay you back. And, and it didn't work like that, right? The market change, all of a sudden they're like, companies are, are, and, and the poor thing at that point was sort of lost. She's like, wait a second. this is what I thought I was gonna do. Now, granted, other than majoring in it in college, she doesn't really know what she's gonna do.

And she became almost self-destructive with her thoughts, which is, well, I can't go get a job 'cause I don't know where I'm gonna live. I can't go apply for jobs 'cause I don't know where I wanna live and I don't know where I wanna live because I don't know what job I want and where I'm gonna go and she just sat there in this spiral of [00:17:00] downward.

And it was just so happened when this was happening I was actually starting this book and the first chapter is all about that, which is settle down, deep breath in, deep breath out. It's okay. You are going to do this. This idea of getting a job right now is all about a path. It's just about you getting out and going. Think about this as an opportunity. You don't know what you're gonna do. think of your life and this journey like a hike, right? You're gonna go on a hike, you don't know what you're gonna see, but you sort of generally know where you want to go.

If you want to go to the mountains, you go on the hike towards the mountains. If you want to go by the ocean, you go on a hike by the ocean. But guess what the nice part is? You don't like the hike. Get off the trail, go to another one, right? It's all about the journey. And I think as parents, if we can teach our kids to understand they're gonna fail and it's okay.

Embrace failure. It is okay. It is good. You're gonna learn to fail. As long as you can get up, you fail, and then shut [00:18:00] down, then that's a problem. But you're gonna fail. It's okay. You're gonna find things that you like. You're gonna find things that you hate, and that's all about adulting. deep breath in.

Deep breath out. this is not the life or death decision that you think it is. take your time, but not too much time, start going and moving. Start pushing, trying things, meeting people. Networking is another big thing that I think young adults do not quite understand.

Andy Earle: Yep.

Robert Finlay: And this was interesting. I was interviewing people in the book, about getting a job. These are people who are like, this is what they've done for a living. they teach people, big CEOs and all this stuff, and they're like, what people don't realize is a, a job posting an indeed or a job posting on LinkedIn.

Chances of you getting that job are so slim. Right. it's not what you know, it's who you know. And that old adage still remains the same. It's you as a young adult reaching outside your social circles and meeting people, making relationships, talking to people about jobs as well as social. [00:19:00] Those are critical skills that successful adults learn and employ.

Andy Earle: The book is called, Hey Dad: Everything You Should Have Learned about Life but Didn't.

Rob, thank you so much for coming on the show today and sharing all this with us. It has been fascinating and enlightening.

Robert Finlay: Andy, thank you so much once again. I really do appreciate it. it's been a lot of fun.

Andy Earle: Can you talk about where people could go to find out more about you and what you are doing, and follow updates from you?

Robert Finlay: Sure, you can always, find me on my website. it's, Rob j Finlay. That's letter j Finlay, F-I-N-L-A y.com. And that's got, all of my social links on it as well. but the website will give you a high level of what I'm doing, what I'm working on, and, a little bit about what I do.

Andy Earle: We're here with Rob Finlay talking about how to teach our teens critical adulting skills, and we're not done yet. [00:20:00] Here's a look at what's coming up in the second half of the show.

Robert Finlay: Our kids are consumed in their phones, right? if you go onto their TikTok or Instagram, they have hundreds of friends and followers maybe even thousands. but in reality, how many close friends do they have?

Do not panic. Do not be afraid. Do not be worried about what happens to you, but address the emergency.

It's the emergencies that young adults, and this is what is adulting. This is the maturity, is knowing what the right thing to do is.One of the greatest things is to watch the kids where it's not Hey, dad, how do I, or, Hey dad, I need this, or, Hey dad, I want this. It's, Hey dad, how are you doing? Cause it is, a tough job.

congratulations to all of you parents out there for doing it. And quite frankly, for the ones who are listening to this podcast, because that means you're actually really care. That says more than anything else.

Andy Earle: Want to hear the full interview? Sign up for a subscription [00:21:00] today. It's completely affordable, and your membership supports the work we do here at Talking to Teens. You can now sign up directly on Apple Podcasts.

Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time.