Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

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Andy Earle: You are listening to Talking to Teens, where we speak with leading experts from a variety of disciplines about the art and science of parenting teenagers. I'm your host, Andy Earle.

Many parents these days find themselves signed up to coach a children's sports team. Or you might be an assistant coach, or just supporting your teenager in their journey through youth athletics.

What are those factors that can give your child the edge? And how do you make sure that they're making the most of them?

Our guest today, Mike Matheny, is the New York Times bestselling author of the Matheny Manifesto. He spent 13 years as a major league catcher for four teams, won four golden gloves, and then managed [00:01:00] both the St. Louis Cardinals and the Kansas City Royals.

And he is the author of the new book: the Dad Coach.

Mike, thank you so much for coming on the show today. Really excited to have you on Talking to Teens.

Mike Matheny: Happy to be here, Andy. Thank you.

Andy Earle: I am looking forward to speaking with you all about youth sports. You've been writing about this, you had a manifesto a few years back, which really got a lot of attention. And now you've got this new book here, The Dad Coach: How to Lead Kids to Succeed On and Off the Baseball Field.

So, pretty exciting.

Mike Matheny: Yeah.

I have to tell you right from the start that Matheny Manifesto, that was not my choosing of the name. One of my friends saw a letter that I wrote to a bunch of parents and he posted it thinking it was funny, and somehow it stuck.

The goal was to help some parents, kids, and coaches reframe what success in youth sports looks like.

Andy Earle: [00:02:00] Because a lot of what you were seeing was maybe too much focus on the parents, or not enough focus on just the kids playing the sports.

You had a pretty sharp critique of how often youth sports seems to be not about the right things.

Mike Matheny: Well, as the father of five sporty kids, I would spend the off season going to as many games as I could. And I was blown away at what I was watching. I remember coming back every spring training and asking either fellow teammates, and then as I began to manage, asking some of the guys who played for me, did your parents act as whacked out as what we're seeing at all these sports right now? 'Cause I don't think I would've hung around. I think you're hearing a lot of stories like that, where kids feel so much pressure. One to get a return on the investment because everybody is over leveraging themselves. And, I get it. It's because we love our kids.

But what we're trying to do is create a different model than [00:03:00] maybe what the norm is out there. The goal is not the college scholarship. The goal is not necessarily the major leagues, unless the kids are driven and gifted and they have those things that line up. For the people who did make it to that level, what are some of the lessons that you could learn from the way their parents went about their business?

And I feel like that was a responsibility of mine to say, okay, couple things. One: our parents didn't act like that. They were a silent source of support. They let us drive the train that was pushing the excitement level, the passion. They fueled it. But we were driving. We were pushing.

And I think the other part of The Dad Coach it's focusing on character development.

Use the platform as a coach to come alongside parents, to come alongside really great teachers, to help instill some of the things that we know are gonna make 'em better at baseball, yes. But more importantly, make 'em better members of society. Better dads, better husbands, better friends, better you name it.

We believe that character helps build better [00:04:00] people.

Andy Earle: You point out in the book that such a small percentage of kids who play youth sports are even gonna go on to play varsity in high school, let alone playing in college or division one or going on to professional sports.

It's more about how playing the sport actually benefits the kid.

Mike Matheny: Yeah, and I think it's getting back to what sports were designed for anyhow, at the beginning. Let's have some fun. There's a whole bunch of things on the backside that come naturally as you commit to any extracurricular activity.

Whether it's playing an instrument, there's the discipline and the monotony sometimes, the grind, the failure. And dealing with success. The same goes with sports. How can we use some of these things?

Dr. Billy Graham said that a coach is gonna impact more people in a year than most people will in their lifetime. And I just don't think enough coaches take full advantage of that. They think, I'm going out to coach and try and win this trophy. And it's more [00:05:00] transactional, instead of more transformational. How can I use this platform?

It's a more powerful platform than what most coaches want to give themselves credit for. It is a great voice that can help mold and change people and help them learn that game. So for me, as an ambassador of the Game of Baseball, the game has been so good to me.

I have a responsibility to pass on the things I've learned, which this book is really more about some of the how. And it's directed towards dads who drew the short straw. They didn't necessarily want to coach. There weren't any other coaches around. And the next thing you know, they're coaching a team.

They want more tools in their tool belt. And so what we're trying to do is just through some of the writing, but also some of the 75 QR codes that are through it, we're gonna keep this thing evolving. Here's something I did with my grandkids. Or here's something I did with my son when he was a teenager to help him understand the game.

And to be able to throw in some of the great resources. I've got a number of people who've written some character studies. Use 'em as a [00:06:00] template and take some time into your practices, be intentional about it, and figure out a way to incorporate this into the time where you're working on skills as well.

Andy Earle: You talk about developing character, and I love that. And you have a whole framework in the book.

You talk about something called the Competitive Edges, which are these five areas that fuel success in various areas of life.

Where did this come from?

Mike Matheny: I can't help but try and figure out what allows certain people to have success. What allows people to maximize the gifts that they have? What do those people have in common?

I'd get asked a lot of questions after being in the major leagues about teams, about individuals. Sometimes it's about parents of very young kids, like, what does my kid need to do to get them major leagues? I'm like, well, sit down 'cause I got a sermon here.

And so what it comes down to are the controllables. We all understand there are some just freaks of nature when it comes to talent, [00:07:00] and they're gonna do what they do. But the majority of us, the 99.9% of us are gonna have to do the things that we can control to maximize those opportunities.

I bring up the Competitive Edges when I do a keynote and speak to corporate groups or anybody trying to build culture and team, what are those things? What are those five things that have stood out to me that allow people to make the most of what they have?

And the thing is it applies in the locker room, the boardroom, the classroom, all the way down into youth sports. These are things that can be developed, like, a growth mindset, the discipline to do the next right thing, optimism, and energy is a force multiplier. And just to have some grit. When life gets hard, because it's going to, how am I gonna handle that and learn that I can thrive in those situations?

And those might be some of the greatest learning situations in my life. And then how to be more selfless, which is counterintuitive. But when we get this right, you start talking about people who are considered an incredible teammate. And those are the [00:08:00] kind of reputations that you want to have no matter what endeavor you head into.

Andy Earle: What I think is cool about what you're doing in this book is explaining how to actually do it. You go through all the different phases. It's really helpful. And I wonder if you could walk us through some of that.

Like, if you're a dad who's just signed on to coach a new team. How do you start approaching it?

Mike Matheny: Yeah. The beautiful thing about this book, I took a group of the boys who we coached between, my playing career and when I began to manage and coach. I asked them to help us. The first book was, there's a problem out there and let's reframe how to go about this. We had an incredible following of people say, yes, I see it. I agree. But you've left out how. So this book is more of a how. It's reinforcing some of the things we said in the first book, but now, here's how we're gonna go about coaching.

Part of the beauty of this book is somewhere in those meetings with those boys, they came up with ideas that we were gonna put some QR codes, [00:09:00] which I think is pretty unique. Random House Penguin Books decided that they could make this happen. So we have 75 QR codes that we see as a living document that it's gonna be, updateable.

We can get some feedback or coaches say, Hey, what would you do in this situation? Or what are your thoughts on practicing to cover this? There's so much to cover, we couldn't put it all in the book. But we're gonna keep those coming and putting 'em in places where they belong.

How do you run a practice? Where are some of the game time responsibilities?

What are the goals? What are the big, hairy, scary dreams you have? And how can we help you develop some of those character traits that allow you the best opportunity to achieve them?

Andy Earle: I love that. It's such an amazing resource and it seems like it would be so helpful for all the coaches out there. The more we can use sports as a tool to reach kids and provide better resources to teach those character skills, it's gonna only improve our whole [00:10:00] generation.

Mike Matheny: I think, parents sometimes overlook the influence we have.

It's almost like it's just blocking and tackling all the time and putting out the next fire as a parent, especially as you have multiple that are running in thousand directions. And then we forget just how close these teenagers and preteens are watching us and what a great opportunity we have.

Be able to give yourself a little grace. 'Cause we're not always gonna get it right. But, you never know what that key is to unlock some of our kids.

For me it was sports. I was a good student because I wanted to play sports. It directed me. I was scared to death of my dad too, which was a good thing 'cause it was based in love. And I knew that I just didn't wanna disappoint him. So there was that cool balance as well.

But in general, how can we use that influence that we have, that position? How can we maximize that voice to help them become who they're supposed to be?

Andy Earle: You have these quotes throughout the book from athletes that were on your team in [00:11:00] early years when you were first refining a lot of these principles. I'm curious in following up with them was there anything surprising or did you learn or reflect on anything about your own experience as a coach through that?

Mike Matheny: I think, without, some honest feedback, which creates a little friction, you're probably not gonna get any better. Hearing from some of the kids, even some of my own, I was able to coach a couple of my own kids. And to hear some of the things that we did well, some of the things that we didn't do well.

As we brought this group, who now almost all of 'em are married. The group that we started with when they were 10 years old. I've been given the honor and privilege of being asked to perform four of their wedding ceremonies. Play the sport as long as you can, and having fun with it and learning. That's great. But then to realize that you've made much of an impact that they want you to stay involved. When it's optional. Their parents may have made them play their baseball on my particular team, but when they start making their own choices and start having their own decisions and [00:12:00] then to be invited in as that you mentioned mentor, what a incredible gift that is.

And then if you're fortunate enough, and my wife, Kristen and I have really become mentors to our own kids.

They've invited us in to conversations, which I think is an unspeakable compliment. I mean, that's my encouragement to the parents out there right now who are fighting through some of the teen years.

'Cause there's nothing fun about it and there is no perfect manual. But as you keep trying to go about it and do the next right thing, to see some light at the end of the tunnel. When you see these kids, they're getting it. They're paying attention and it's making a difference.

They're doing it on their own now. They've sorted through what fits and what doesn't. There's a special spot for parents and their kids when they can connect like that. And I think sports can help pull that together.

Andy Earle: Is there anything that stands out to you as a common mistake you see people make that are new to coaching and don't have a lot [00:13:00] of exposure?

Mike Matheny: One of the common mistakes is times have changed and every single one of our kids needs to be approached differently.

You need to take time to get to know them individually and what makes 'em go. I would always say this even as a former catcher, part of it was trying to earn the confidence of my pitching staff. Just a simple conversation. Because people typically like to tell you about themselves and what is good for them if you ask.

And I'd ask them, what was your favorite catcher? What did he do? Later on, it became who was your favorite manager? Or what manager really got the most out of you? Or who did you play your best for and why? What didn't click for you? If you or I are asked that question, I'll tell you right away.

Hey, the guy gets in my face all the time, I block him out. I'm not listening to him. That goes in the back of my mind that he doesn't need that. I've had players come up to me and say, that guy who's so intense and he's in your face.

I love that guy. I don't believe in that. I'll try to give you a little bit more of it, but just so you know, it's not me naturally. [00:14:00] You start to learn by asking really good questions. I think they open up a lot of doors to how you can speak to them. I made plenty of mistakes. I'm intense by nature. I love to compete no matter what I do. In the youth space, I was gifted with the fact that I had competed at the highest level. Been on the biggest stage. And I was okay without bringing that competitiveness into youth sports. I truly allowed myself to step back.

And this is not all about winning. Is it about winning? Always. Anything we compete in, we're gonna try to win. Is it win at all costs? Absolutely not. For these young guys. Now, at the major league level, still not win at all costs, but that's what we're getting paid to do is win. But not at sacrificing cheating and such. But in the end, I'm going to compete to win with anything that I do.

So, with that being said, how do we do that in a way and communicate that in a way that we help people enjoy the game, but balance this fight and desire to [00:15:00] succeed and to be really good.

And I think it's an and proposition, not an either or. You try to build 'em both up. But mostly comes back to what I said at the beginning: how can we find out what do they need? What are they looking for, and how can I be that as best that I can?

Andy Earle: What do you think about focusing on one sport versus playing a variety of sports for a tween or a teenager.

Mike Matheny: Yeah, this is a really tough one. I'm very grateful that I played three sports all the way through high school. In high school I turned it back to two. I needed some time away to focus more on baseball because it was becoming very obvious that I was getting some attention in that sport. I loved the change of sport and I've been adamant about that. My kids, I all encouraged all of them to play multiple sports. I believe you learn certain things in one sport that you wouldn't necessarily in another. I believe they help you.

I [00:16:00] think when you're not as good at one sport as you are in another, you're forced to work hard, to be better and to be one of the top in that sport. I think the other thing is it gives you a little empathy to what it might feel like to not be the best one on that particular team, and then to help you be a better teammate in that sport that you are thriving in.

I understand there's a lot of pressure right now. A lot of information that are trying to push families and kids towards a very one directive sport. I'm gonna rest on a conversation I had with Coach Bobby Knight a long time ago, who told me, he wouldn't recruit single sport athletes.

He felt they were either almost maxed out or almost burnt out. There's a lot of wisdom there. I think the landscape's probably changed since I was in youth sports and since Coach Knight was coaching. But I think the principle's pretty solid. There will be a break point.

Even with my own kids. I said, I don't think you need to get too serious about one particular sport maybe [00:17:00] until last couple years of high school. You will know. If you're still passionate about multiple sports, keep playing them. You're only a kid so long.

I remember it was a really tough one. I was a high school football player. I was a poor quarterback. I threw the ball to the wrong jersey too often. My dad knew that I was getting a lot of attention in baseball and scared to death that I was gonna blow a knee. And that's a legit concern. But that was going into my junior year of high school where it even became a conversation. And he and my mom both followed my lead. Basketball was really carrying too far into baseball where I wasn't able to work on some of the things I needed to work on in the winter.

I continued to play little hoops, but I was gonna really focus on the winner to get better at baseball and then maintain football because it was something I enjoyed to do.

Andy Earle: I like thinking about how they can compliment each other and sometimes we get in the mindset of just thinking [00:18:00] we need to choose one thing and then everything needs to be all about that.

You can easily make your whole life revolve around one sport. It makes sense what you're saying that it's not needed until you're really getting to a certain point in your career.

Mike Matheny: I really like to tell parents, and challenge them, is it your son or daughter that is truly the engine that's pushing this thing? And if they are begging for more and, you can afford it as a family monetarily, with the time commitment that comes with getting all these extra lessons, I certainly believe in pitching lessons, hitting lessons, and strength training. My kids did all the above. Even though I was capable of teaching, they needed to get somebody else's voice and eyes on 'em.

They need to start thinking for themselves instead of hearing the same thing over and over again. 'cause they're gonna have a coach somewhere down the line who's gonna tell 'em something different. They need to be able to take some of this, but have this foundation that they truly believe in.

So I think that's one part of it. It's so [00:19:00] challenging because there are very good athletes out there who are getting speed training, strength training, nutritional training, and then specified training for whatever position they play. A danger, especially at the younger ages, there's a danger of making such a big investment as a family. Anybody that makes huge investments, at some point, it's very human to expect a return. And oftentimes the more the investment keeps adding up. It puts an underlying, even without even knowing it. You're gonna need to give me a little back on this, whether it's that scholarship idea.

My oldest two played ice hockey and that is an expensive sport. It got to the point of like, is this gonna be worth it? Even if they get a full ride, I'm not sure we're gonna be back in the plus on this thing.

It just a great reminder that if we can go about this the right way.

It's not just about how good they get, how far they go, [00:20:00] it's also what are they developing along the way? 'cause I'm so proud of my kids, of the people that they've turned into. And I'm 100% convinced sports had a huge play in that. I can think of different coaches and they will tell you of different coaches who this coach taught me that.

And I learned I didn't want to be that from that coach. I mean, it's true. It's the good and it is the bad. And to be able to watch them develop as humans through sports. I believe they're given a headstart.

Andy Earle: Mike, thank you so much for coming on our show and speaking with us about all of this.

I think it's so cool what you're doing with this community and platform that you're building here where people can find updates to all of the ideas and resources in the book.

So, I highly encourage people to grab a copy of The Dad Coach: How to Lead Kids to Succeed On and Off the Baseball Field.

Can you talk a little bit about [00:21:00] where people could go to find out more about what you're doing or to follow updates?

Mike Matheny: There'll be some links on the book and ways to give us some feedback and ask questions we hope to keep adding more videos through the existing QR codes.

The book will be available Amazon and all your book bookstores. I think they should be in most places and excited to see how the launch takes off.

Andy Earle: Awesome. Well, we'll be rooting for you and we're really glad to have you on the show.

Mike Matheny: Thank you.

Andy Earle: We are here today with Mike Matheny talking about how to give your teen the edge in youth sports, and we're not done yet. Here's a look at what's coming up in the second half of the show.

Mike Matheny: You can't say that developing character in your players is important and then not take designated time in your practice to go over what character is. And I believe people buy into [00:22:00] what they help build.

So to take a group of teenagers and have them, alright, you guys determine the character of this club. What do you wanna see? What's tolerable? What is not? You guys help us define this. And then they have ownership to it. What we don't need is you hovering, because what it turns into is a boy that walks up to the plate takes a swing and instantly looks into the stands, says, okay, dad did that one look all right to you? But they all talk about the three things that were always expected, and they know by the acronym ace, ACE. The attitude, your concentration, and your effort. Non-negotiables. Always have to show up with those. One of my philosophies has always been to praise in public and to correct in private.

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Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time.