Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Introduction to Talking to Teens
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Andy Earle: You're listening to Talking to Teens, where we speak with leading experts from a variety of disciplines about the art and science of parenting teenagers. I'm your host, Andy Earle.

We're talking today about helping your teenagers learn how to get their needs met.

We all want our kids to be really successful and have a high level of financial stability.

But really, no matter how much money you make in life, you always have the same problem.

How do I use this limited amount of resources to satisfy my needs in the most effective way possible?

It seems like it should be an easy question, but it's actually far from simple to figure out.

Our relationship with money is often difficult, stressed. It's something that we don't talk about.

How could we possibly help our teenagers to find joy?

Introducing Elizabeth Husserl
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Andy Earle: Elizabeth Husserl is on the show today. She is the co founder of Peak 360 Wealth Management, and she's the author of the new book, The Power of Enough: Finding Joy in Your Relationship with Money.

Elizabeth, thank you so much for coming on the show today. Really excited to have you here.

Elizabeth Husserl: No, I love it, Andy.

This is one of my favorite topics. I mentioned I have a teen myself, so we've been diving into money since she was born. So let's take it away.

Andy Earle: Super excited to hear more about that.

The Power of Enough: Book Insights
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Andy Earle: You've got a new book that just came out, The Power of Enough: Finding Joy in Your Relationship with Money.

So, really interested to talk about that. Cause I just read through this book and it's a really different way... Yeah. I've read a lot of books on money. This is a unique approach, I think. Where did the ideas in this come from? What inspired you to put it into a book? And why do you think it's important for people to know about?

Elizabeth Husserl: Yeah, it's a great question, and I'm glad you pointed out. It's a different kind of financial literacy, financial education book. Because there's a ton out there, and they're great. And I work as a financial advisor, and I'm the first one to say education is widely important. Especially then passing on education to our kids.

But I wrote this book.

Generational Scarcity and Wealth
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Elizabeth Husserl: It reminded me, I was listening to one of your last episodes and talking about generational trauma. I know for myself, I inherited scarcity through both lineages, but in particular for my dad's lineage. When I became a parent, I was like, I don't want to pass this on, if it's not actually the reality of our lives, right?

We've worked really hard. And there's definitely been times when we're like, figure out how to pay bills. And we've had to go through different financial moments. But the scarcity, like the unchecked, unconscious scarcity was something that I know my grandfather went through as a World War II survivor.

He left his homeland, had zero dollars and got on a boat to end up in South America. Persecution, slavery, all these things that our ancestors have gone through are real, but that didn't match up with how I was being raised. Upper middle class in New Orleans, both my parents were working professionals.

They didn't come into money, but they made their money and I was taken care of. And so I kept asking myself, what is this feeling of scarcity? Where does it come from? How do we deal with it? How is wealth and our experience of wealth different than money? Those are different things. And how can I do my work to not pass it on to my daughter?

So that's what inspired me to write the book.

Andy Earle: That's been a journey in your own life and parenting. Where has it led?

Elizabeth Husserl: Yeah, it's been the most transformative experience I could have imagined. And so I think that's a really important piece to point out. Because I work with clients' money, so I actively have conversations around money with people in my life and with my family.

And so I think that's been a really important piece is having a healthier relationship to money allows me to talk about it, sometimes not even having to talk about the numbers. Because it's one of these areas, Andy, that we still feel a ton of shame and guilt. Damn if I have too much, if I don't, right?

There's all these mixed emotions around it. And so having these very tangible tools that I break out in chapters in the book, gives someone the opportunity to go through their own internal journey so that they can then have a more clear, conscious, uncharged conversation around it with their family.

And so that's the intention. I'm happy to give specific examples of how it's come up with my kid. In all my book events most of the questions have to do around money and kids. Which is fascinating, right? I find that sometimes it's a way that someone asks about money indirectly.

Because we're still kind of like dancing around how we talk about our own relationship to money. But I think as parents, we do want to pass on the best version of ourselves, right? And so we want our kids to have healthy relationship with money. We want them to not be entitled and to not take things for granted and to be hard workers and to also enjoy family time and leisure.

We want all of these things, but we don't teach them how. And we can teach financial literacy, which is freaking awesome, but equally important is to teach them how to be in a relationship to money.

Redefining Work and Wealth
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Andy Earle: You write in the book about how we think of work in terms of a finite game, but we might benefit from thinking of it more in terms of an infinite game.

Why is that important? Or what do you mean by that?

Elizabeth Husserl: I'll never forget the time when I dropped my daughter off at Montessori preschool and they kept talking about work as play. I was like, huh, now that's interesting. That's not how I was taught about work.

Andy Earle: No, no, no. Work is work. Play is play.

Elizabeth Husserl: And I was definitely, my feathers got ruffled, Andy, because I was like, wait a second, are they teaching my daughter how to work at age three?

And I think what they were making a distinction is that when you're really in that creative flow of engaging and innovation and imagination, you are working the different parts of you; your mind center, your heart center, your vitality. And that is work in its essential form. And so in the infinite game, you never retire from that.

As long as you're able bodied, we have the capacity to be creative humans. And so it just shifts the game on its head because we're not trying to retire from life per se. We're potentially retiring from some functions that we don't like. Maybe I'm done being a W2, but let me go do this creative venture that I've been dreaming of.

That is a deeper essential expression of work that I think is really important to be able to distinguish and then to pass on to our kids.

Andy Earle: Is that a hard change to make for people you think?

Elizabeth Husserl: These aren't hard changes. Part of why I wrote the book and start with addressing different definitions of concepts is because if we're given new frameworks and new language, then it's an easier step towards that.

If we start to think of work more infinitely and creatively, you can bring that back to your life and say, what micro adjustments can I make today to enjoy more what I'm doing? Or if the work I'm in is feeling super rigid and I don't have any enjoyment, do I need to shift how I work and how I earn money?

How can earning money be more aligned with what brings me joy? Still knowing that I'm in relationship to money, I need to earn it. So that was a big piece of the book, Andy. And a lot of the feedback I've gotten was like, Oh, I've been feeling this, but I didn't have words for it.

And so the more we have the words in a shared language, the more the world starts to change.

Andy Earle: And that whole model is really changing in our economy, this idea that you can just get a job and work that job for however many years and then retire, is not how a lot of people's reality is gonna be especially for people who are teenagers now.

Elizabeth Husserl: Well, and I think the younger generation is actually wanting something different.

There's a lot more of the desire to bring meaning in what you're doing and less of a race to retire one day. That feels really long when you're a 15 year old being like, what do you mean? I have to dedicate myself to this one thing for 40 years and put money into a Roth IRA? Like, just their time concept.

But I think if you help them understand, actually, what are those areas that you're attracted to in school? What are your passions? How can you bring that same kind of interest and creativity to areas and collaborations in the work world? We can earn money potentially doing things that we feel just more enlivened by.

Intimacy and Scarcity
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Andy Earle: What is the relationship between intimacy and scarcity?

Elizabeth Husserl: That's a great question, Andy. No one's asked me that one yet. So, intimacy and scarcity. The first thing that comes up when you ask that is really being honest about our sense of scarcity is very vulnerable.

It's a very vulnerable experience to be like, I'm feeling lack. And I'm feeling lack in these areas of my life. Part of the wealth mandala that I talk about later in the book is really helping us redefine wealth more broadly so that we can see where exactly are we feeling lack and poverty.

So if I back up for a second and really make this point that money and wealth are very different things. They're in existence together. In relationship. But they're very different things. Is a tool and it has functions. Wealth is a state of well being.

And so when we start to see the state of well being, and start to get honest, am I feeling scarcity in financial stability? Because you know what? There's some areas in my financial life where the house is on fire. I need to address that am I feeling scarcity around connection? Belonging? Understanding? Touch? When you start to admit those areas that we feel lack, it's vulnerable. You really have to lean on the ability to trust intimate relationships in your life to be able to share that that's your experience and lean in so that you don't feel so alone in this journey around scarcity.

I think that's part of why I love this work with couples, with parents, is that if couples start to have and partners start to have a better conversation of where they feel wealthy and where they feel lacking, then we become more honest and more aware of how we design the use of our resources towards what matters most. And that's what we can teach our kids. We help our teens understand that money doesn't define us. And that's really important, especially as teens are trying to understand their sense of belonging. Is belonging in the jeans you're wearing, in the shoes you're wearing?

Or is belonging actually knowing how to develop connections with other friends, or with other adults in your life? And yes, I have a teen, I know she wants those jeans, and I help her understand, okay, are we doing one? Because you really do want to wear that? Or do you need ten?

And helping them understand how to make both financial decisions and non financial decisions to meet these deeper needs that influence our experience of wealth.

Conversation with Money Exercise
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Andy Earle: You talk in the book about having a conversation with money.

Elizabeth Husserl: Yes. One of my favorite things in the world, Andy.

Andy Earle: A big part of your approach here. It's a little more detailed than that. There's a really specific approach of how you actually have a conversation with money, what you learn from it.

So talk to me about that. Where did that come from and how do you do that?

Elizabeth Husserl: So I learned this practice when I was in grad school. I was in transpersonal psychology, complementing my degree in finance. And it's a gestalt chair exercise. A lot of therapists know this exercise. And it's an empty chair exercise, which means.

You have the opportunity to work through emotions with someone or something that's not in the room, but that's feeling charged. So, for example, if the conversation with money, what you end up doing is picking a money object. It can be a credit card. It can be your wallet. My younger clients pick up their phone, right?

Cause that's what they use. They use apps. And so whatever represents money, I've actually had a client walk in with a little gold nugget. And they're like, I want to talk to this. I'm like, great. So whatever inspires your money object, you put it in the chair in front of you. The invitation is not to complain about what's not working, but to really connect to your heart and be like, what's the emotion you're feeling?

Are you feeling total disgust at money for what it represents? Are you feeling, oh my gosh, I need to hold on to you really tightly because there's not enough of you? Are you drawing a blank and be like, I just don't get you.

Like as honest as you can really saying what's the first emotion thought or experience that you want to get off your chest, kind of like going to therapy with money. And you just get to do that for five minutes. I tell people, put a timer on your phone and unload. Like, we've been holding all this stuff in for so long. Unload.

When the timer goes off, trust that what needed to be said, got said, then switch. Now you go to money's chair, you pick up your money object, you hold your money object on your lap, and you are money responding back to you for five minutes. It is amazing what comes out when you put the money persona on and you're like, well, so I just heard you say that, and here's a response.

Don't filter the response. It doesn't matter if you believe that your money talking back to you. At a minimum, there's the part of you that's in relationship to money that probably has something to say. Try to do it twice.

So five minutes, five minutes, five minutes, five minutes. And then take a step back and be like, what was the insight? What was the takeaway? What did I learn? Without trying to analyze it, but from a perspective of like, okay, these are my next strategies to make that better to be like, oh, wow. Like, what I learned, Andy, in my first conversation with money is that I was strangling it.

I was totally wanting it to show up in the same way it showed up when my dad was funding my allowance when I was a kid. I was angry that my parents were W2s and I was starting my own business as an entrepreneur. I didn't know how to do that. And I was angry at money. And money is like, Hey, you can learn.

You're smart. What's your list of questions? Maybe your parents didn't teach you this and that's fine. They taught you other financial things. Who are the entrepreneurs in your life? Go ask them. And I was like, Oh, money's kind of right. I haven't necessarily gone and gotten the skills I needed.

So, there was a moment when I'm like, Oh, money is not the thing to blame. We scapegoat money a lot when we were feeling financial anxiety. Money can actually be a guide, a friend, a mirror, and those conversations with money can shed light on what are some of the next steps in my life.

Andy Earle: Wow. I love that. I think that's powerful. I find a lot of times in those kind of exercises, the things that come up in the last 30 seconds are often the best insights. Once you run out of all the most obvious things to say, you get down deeper to the kind of things that are really coming up for you. It can be powerful.

Elizabeth Husserl: 100%. We love 30 day challenges, don't we? I like to tell people do it for a month.

I went through a full year that every single morning I'd have a cup of coffee and that's the first thing I did. You start to build the relationship. You don't get fit by going to the gym once. You're not in a relationship with money by just sitting down once unloading.

You build a relationship over time with communication. Start to do it for a set period of time and you'll be surprised at what starts to shift.

Conclusion and Resources
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Andy Earle: This book is a great guide for people who want to be putting this stuff into practice. Multiple places in the book where you also mention resources that people can get on your website in order to do some of these exercises. You can download PDFs and work along and do some of these things. So I would definitely encourage people to check that out. The book is The Power of Enough: Finding Joy in Your Relationship with Money.

Elizabeth Husserl: Thank you, Andy.

Andy Earle: Elizabeth, thank you so much for coming on the show. It's been really enlightening and fascinating to speak with you about this.

Elizabeth Husserl: Thanks for having me. I would direct people to my website, elizabethhusrell. com for those free resources. It can also show you where to buy books.

There's discussion guides. So a ton of great information there.

Andy Earle: What's the best way to follow updates from you? Do you have an email list or social media presence?

Elizabeth Husserl: Email lists they can sign up on the website and Instagram is the social media I use most. At Elizabeth Husserl Instagram, you'll find me.

Andy Earle: Highly encourage people to check it out. Congrats again. And thanks for coming on the show.

Elizabeth Husserl: It's been a pleasure. I appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Andy Earle: We're here today with Elizabeth Husserl talking about teaching your teenager how to get their needs met. And we're not done yet. Here's a look at what's coming up in the second half of the show.

Elizabeth Husserl: Check in with your body. Is it as exciting if you'd use your allowance? And she's like, no, not so exciting. It goes back onto the shelf. If you don't want to spend your money, why would I spend mine, right? You meet them at their level, but without guilt, shame, or judgment. You teach them to be in relationship and dialogue with their resources. That is how we change the world and our kids around money. Stop feeling guilty about having needs. We all have needs. Let's just accept that as our base point and keep moving. Sometimes more money, more problems, right? You are always in a relationship with it. Designing what you're consuming to feel more fulfillment is really the key piece around satiation, and the key pathway to experiencing and embodying wealth. And if we teach our kids that, then they don't fear money. They're like, oh, okay. It's just another tool in my toolbox to use. And this is what we're working with.

Andy Earle: Want to hear the full interview? Sign up for a subscription today. It's completely affordable and your membership supports the work we do here at Talking to Teens. You can now sign up directly through Apple Podcasts. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time.