Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Andy Earle: You're listening to Talking to Teens, where we speak with leading experts from a variety of disciplines about the art and science of parenting teenagers. I'm your host, Andy Earle.

We're talking today about how to instill a competitive attitude in your teenager.

How do you motivate your teen to do the work to learn the skills so that they can win?

In sports, in school, and in life, what it really takes to be one of the best at anything is not just raw talent, it's the mental toughness to put in the work.

It's the humility of knowing that you're never too good to practice more and to keep improving.

And it's the drive to push yourself harder than anyone else.

How can we instill these qualities in our teens?

J. D. Kinimaka is the author of The Competitive Spirit. He is a long time athletic coach and the father of a number of star athletes. And he's speaking with us today about how to raise winners.

J. D., thank you so much for coming on the show today.

JD Kinimaka: Thank you. I appreciate it.

Andy Earle: You've spent a lot of time coaching. You write in the book about experiences coaching different teams in different sports, but also raising your kids and their experiences in sports.

What do you think inspired you to put all this into a book?

JD Kinimaka: I had a lot of downtime during COVID. I was just sitting around trying to figure out what am I going to do? I didn't know what to do myself. So I started reflecting on my kids.

Started thinking about what kind of parent I've been, am I doing the right things? I started thinking about my friends and family who have said, "Hey, you've done such a great job with raising your kids." And I wanted to tell my story.

I think if I could help people that are struggling with their kids, and if they see the way I teach my kids, and not only my own personal kids, but the kids I coach, I've run into so many different styles of how people are. I said, maybe I can put these downs into words and help people.

Andy Earle: I love that. The book is a lot of stories from your family, from your own life, but also from professional athletes of all different kinds and coaches and teams. You dive into principles around what it takes to succeed in sports and how that translates to skills that will help kids succeed in life.

You talk a lot in the book about winning.

JD Kinimaka: Yes.

Andy Earle: You think winning is really important? A lot of parents think maybe that's putting too much pressure on kids. We don't want to put too much pressure that they need to be winners because as long as they try their best isn't that enough?

Isn't that all we can really ask for?

JD Kinimaka: I don't think so, Andy. I think this is where things I've seen change from where I grew up. The old school, that winning is everything. I didn't really think about it till I did hear this new wave of thinking about, "it doesn't matter if you win or lose as long as you try your best."

And that to this day, this kills me when I hear that line, because, you want to set your kids up for success. By telling them that, "it's okay, as long as you tried your best..." Maybe sometimes your best isn't good enough. Maybe you need to work a little bit harder and get better, and maybe then your best will be good enough.

A lot of times I see parents coddle their kids and they'll say, "hey, it's okay, you tried your best." I don't hear those parents say, "you know what, we got to go back and we got to work harder and let's try to figure out what we can do to get better." That's been my theory. I always want my kids to get better, to get to that new level. Because I know that if I keep working them hard, they're going to take that into life.

So at a younger age, you're getting your kids into that competitive mindset and you want them to be able to take that into life whether you're applying for a job, interviewing for a job, trying to get that house, that loan, or whatever, you want to have that confidence, especially if you're going in for a job interview, you want your kids to have that confidence that "I can do this" as opposed to, "you tried your best."

Andy Earle: And there are so many areas in life where you do want to win. You're applying for a job. Only a few people are gonna get it. You have to beat out all these other applicants. Or you're trying to get a promotion. You're trying to get someone to publish your book and you have to beat out a bunch of other authors to get publishers interested in your book. Throughout life over and over again, whether you're playing sports or not, you do want to win in whatever you're doing.

I think it's so interesting because I've been reading through your book and thinking a lot about these ideas. I've been posting lots of videos on social media. I posted 1 recently talking about study skills and how maybe you could ask your teenager about strategies that they see working for the best kids in their class. What do they think would happen if they tried to apply some of those strategies in their own studies? And I got some comments from parents talking about how "I don't think this is a good idea because you're comparing them to other kids and you're going to be making them feel bad that they're not as smart as other kids and that they're not living up to what other kids are doing."

I think we need to be able to have a conversation with our kids, honestly, about "hey, yeah, different kids are gonna have different natural abilities, but all that aside there are certain strategies we can use to be learning things, to be improving." And can't we model the people who are really excelling at whatever it is? Look at what habits do they have?

How are they practicing? What's their diet look like? What are they doing in their spare time? And can't we start to then incorporate some of those things in our own life? If your kid's too fragile that you can't even have that conversation with them, then I don't know.

I think there's an issue there.

JD Kinimaka: And that's what we're talking about. Being competitive. You want your child to be competitive, to get to that level. If you feel like your kid's not at that high level, that's a parent's fault. You need to give your kid some confidence.

And let them know, "hey, you can be that smart, too." You can do whatever you want. All you do is got to work hard. That's all you got to do. Apply yourself and work hard and you can do whatever you want. Just give them that confidence.

Andy Earle: Because at a certain point, it's almost like we're excusing mediocrity. "Maybe you're just not as good as they are. Maybe you're not as smart as those other kids. Or you're just not as athletic as those other kids."

"So that's okay. You can just not be good."

JD Kinimaka: I have a great example. My oldest daughter, she, I've been diagnosed with dyslexia and so was she. And what would happen when she was dyslexic, she was struggling in class. There was a teacher's meeting. I met with the teachers, the principal, and some of the counselors. And we all sat down at the table and we started talking about what we could do to help her.

I did find some dyslexia tutoring but they started bringing up special ed. They said, "oh, we'll just put her into special ed and she can leave the class and go to this special ed training." And right then I cut him off. I said, "no, I don't want her to have any special ed training."

Because, growing up, I felt like I was frowned upon and looked down at as a person that had to go to those special ed classes. And I wanted her to feel that struggle, I felt it and worked through it. I know she's just as strong as me, if not stronger mentally. I don't want her to be in special ed.

I wanted to be in class with everybody else. And I wanted to do what I had to do to get through the class. And obviously, if you need help, ask your parents, your teacher after class, but don't segregate those kids into a special ed class. I worry about the kids picking on her, saying, "hey, you're in special ed," and making fun of her.

I know things have evolved since then and now all schools have special ed and it's acceptable. It's still hard for me to swallow because I want my kids to work hard and feel those struggles and have to apply themselves.

One of my kids that I was coaching was in a Hawaiian studies class making, Terrell, which makes poi. And he was failing the class. So they did a grade check and it comes to me and I said, "how are you failing this class?"

I go, "what are you guys doing?" "Planting Terrell." And I'm like, "how are you failing this class?" He goes, "Oh, coach, I'm in special ed. It's hard to do." "You just plant it in the ground. I don't understand why you're struggling with this." And I go, "on my defense, you're struggling every day. You are figuring out the defense that is very complicated. And I know you're a very smart boy. Don't be telling me you can't plant something in the ground and get an F instead of getting an A, because I know you're smart. You just got to start applying yourself."

Andy Earle: I love that. I think that's so interesting. Also related to some things you talk about in the book in terms of giving kids a pep talk. You don't really believe in pep talk so much, isn't that the key role of a coach is that, when you're down at halftime or you call the time out with only two minutes left in the game and give that pep talk that's going to get everybody rallied up and psyched up to go out there and win.

JD Kinimaka: It's only in movies. When you're playing, you're not thinking about "winning one for the Gipper," or something that your coach has told you to inspire you. You're focusing on what you need to be doing out there and should be figuring out, "okay, I'm with my technique.

Am I getting to the ball? Am I doing everything right?" All those things should be going through your mind. It shouldn't be that pep talk. It should be you're focused on doing the best you can do. I've even talked to NFL athletes and they have told me, I asked him the same thing. I go, "Hey, were you ever inspired by any pep talks?" And they just flat out smile and laughs and "no." I've had coaches come up to me say "Oh, can you maybe give them a pep talk before the game. I just said, "I apologize coach, but we're ready. I don't really need to do a pep talk." He was shocked, cause I'm always yelling at my kids and trying to get them motivated during the week. But when I feel confident by game time, these guys are ready.

I don't need to say anything. Just let them go and let them play. I know they're going to do great. They always do. And it's satisfying,

Andy Earle: But it ties into this feeling that we need to supply the motivation or that if we can just pump them up with the right words, we can get them motivated.

And they're going to go out there and try harder. I think in so many ways as parents or as coaches, we feel like our job is to motivate the kids. How do you think about motivation? Because isn't that such a big part of winning is having this drive or this internal motivation that you want to be the best?

JD Kinimaka: That's interesting that you say that because for me personally, I fear losing more than I think about winning. That has always been my drive. I feel humiliated. I feel like I didn't work my hardest if I can't win. Winning is great.

You love winning. It's good times and you're high fiving everybody and everything's all good and you're talking about it. But for me, I'm already thinking about the next game or the next match. I expected the outcome that came out, so I tell my kids, "Hey, just do what we've worked on and you will be fine."

The motivation comes through months of preparation. And for most of the kids that I've coached, the ones that didn't quit and were able to hang in were successful. They were self motivated. They wanted to win.

They wanted to compete and they were hungry. If you can get your kids to that level where they want to win and be competitive, there's no stopping them. And I'm not talking about just sports. I'm talking about life. They're going to be able to go out and conquer whatever they want to do.

And I constantly tell my kids that you can be whatever you want to be. Doctor, lawyer, whatever you want to do. All you do is go get it.

Andy Earle: You also write in the book that laziness is the one thing that you absolutely do not tolerate on your team. So I think that also ties into this idea of motivation. A pep talk isn't going to take a lazy Kid who doesn't care about this activity and suddenly make them care.

There's something deeper going on there How do you feel about laziness? If we think our kids are not working their hardest or not really trying their hardest what do you do about that? How do you help them to find that motivation to care about something?

JD Kinimaka: It's constantly paying attention to detail, what you need to get done and what needs to get done.

So I'll give you an example. Like my daughters, every week they gotta clean up their bedroom and make sure it's all nice at the end of the week. And I'll go in there and say, "Hey look, you missed this." And they're like, look what? I go, "this right here. You gotta get this over here."

And they start cleaning. I go, "look, you missed it." I go, I'll rub my hand across the window sill or something. I go, "look at this dust on my fingers." And, it's not that I'm being so picky, which, well, I guess I am being picky. But I want them to pay attention to detail. The next week there's no water spots. No dust on the wall. They always got to tell me, "dad, we're ready for you to come and do inspection." I go, "all right, here I come." After a few weeks of nailing it, they'll say, "dad, come inspect." And I go, "no, I know you guys did good."

I don't have to go check. But now, as time goes by, I'll do a little periodic check just to make sure they're on their toes. But it's always paying attention to detail whether they're working a technique in sports wrestling or football. Everything's about paying attention to detail and that eliminates laziness because you can't play for me.

I can't coach you. If you're not going to want to try. 1 of my big pet peeves: putting your hands on your knees when you're tired. I always tell my kids, "what are you telling your opponent when you're putting your hands on your knees?" They go, "Oh, that we're tired?" I go, "yeah, do you want them to know that you're tired?

That might motivate them to come after you even harder, right? Keep your hands off your knees." Don't get lazy, though. Those are things you know, that again, that's just that mental awareness of what's going on. And that's how I try to combat laziness. But I really don't like it.

Andy Earle: You also have another rule in the book that you call the Do One More rule. What does that refer to?

JD Kinimaka: So when we're doing drills and techniques I always focus on plenty of reps because the reps will destroy any doubt of what you need to do.

And when I say "one more," I do it on purpose. A lot of times I'll be running drills with my kids and I'll tell them, "let's do 10 reps of this move or technique." They'll run it 10 times. And they're counting too, right? Cause they want to get it over with.

I end up doing maybe 15 times because they're not doing it correctly. Instead of ending up with those 10 reps, we ended up actually with 15. Or sometimes I'll miscount, and they won't be paying attention, I'll know we're on 5, and I said, "okay, that's 3." If they don't catch me, I keep adding the reps.

I learned a long time ago from a world champion Olympic gold medalist, John Smith. He said that you don't master a move until you've done it 10, 000 times. I take that to heart. I think that is huge that when he said that just never left my mind. And that's why I focus so much on repetition.

Just doing things over and over again before it comes second nature to you. And once you get out on the mat or out in the field, you just go into that mode where you know exactly what you're going to do because you've done it so many times and you're so successful at it. As a coach, it's just great to see it.

Andy Earle: You talk in the book about how you might be better off working on fewer moves so that you can really put in the reps with the ones that you are working on and really master those. It's like the jack of all trades versus really mastering a smaller number of moves.

JD Kinimaka: I know coaches that know every move in the book. That just blows my mind that they're so knowledgeable.

But then I see them trying to teach all those moves to kids that maybe they're not picking them up. And then those kids sometimes they'll fall behind. And so for me, my coaching style is to work on just enough to be successful.

For example, if we're doing a single drill. We'll hit those low singles until it becomes second nature. Then we'll move on to the next move. We'll move on when I feel like you know what you're doing with one move.

It depends on the kids too. If you have a kid that can pick that stuff up, then yeah, you want to continue to work with that kid to get at a higher level. But you don't want to get to that high level with everybody when you're leaving the other ones behind.

You don't want them falling behind.

Andy Earle: You talk about some research in the book. Adolescents who play sports are less likely to use illicit drugs during adolescence than students who do not. That is so interesting.

Why do you think that is? Is that because they're getting tested so they can't use drugs or is there something deeper going on?

JD Kinimaka: I think when these kids nowadays, if they're at that competitive level, they don't have time for it.

If they're drinking and doing drugs and then they're hurting the next day, they come to practice. Your performance is going to start to drop, and if that happens, you're letting your friends down, you're letting your family down. Athletes pride themselves on doing the right thing. I've had kids that I've coached with problems like that, and it's just focusing on playing.

Let's go home. Let's eat, get some good sleep, and then we'll do it all again tomorrow. We'll keep working and your focus is just going to be on playing and school. Take care of the important things and let's try to move forward instead of getting messed up with all these drinking and drug stuff.

My practices are tough. If you're doing drugs and you're drinking, you're not going to make it. But I've seen kids go downhill and then I've got to pull them on the side and say, "Hey, what's up? Why are you so tired?" Or "what's wrong?" They might have some family issues. They might have other problems. I try to talk it out with them. And just let them know, "I'm there for you. Got any problems, call me. You got my number." And try to work through those problems. I've had kids with anger management. I had this one kid come late to practice one day. I asked him, "Hey, why are you late?" He goes, "Oh, I had anger management class." I go, Oh, okay.

The wheels are spinning cause I had those same anger issues when I was growing up. So I'm relating to this kid and I took him under his wing. I told him, "hey, you know what, you're going to play linebacker and be with me every day. We're going to work together and see what's going on."

And I just let him know, "hey, you got any problems, come talk to me." I guess he was getting in fights, mouthing off to the teachers, and he was really having some problems. And what I focused on with him, because he had all this built in aggression and anger, was that focused on trying to tell him, "you know what, I let you take that anger and use it and control it. When you're playing, let that anger go full speed in 1 play. Let it go and get to the ball, make the tackle and then get up. Don't have to talk to them. Don't have to pick fights with them. If you're arguing with the other player and you push him down, are you getting a fight?"

He goes, "oh, I'm gonna get a flag thrown on me and we're gonna get a penalty." And I go, " then what did you just do to all your teammates? You just let them down and now they're gonna have to pay because of what you did." And he's like, "yes, coach." And he's getting it. And it was good to see him kind of change.

And I'm not getting any reports of him yelling at the teacher anymore. I'm not hearing about him getting in fights. And I'm killing him in practice. So I know a lot of that aggression and anger is leaving him and it's left at the field, or on the map. Those kind of situations are left there.

And I've had family members to the same problems. They're taking them to the psychiatrist. And I got nothing against the psychiatrist. But from the feedback I hear for what they're saying is just try to control your time. I'm not hearing the answers that I want to hear to help these kids.

I was at the hospital the other day, taking my daughter to an appointment. A nurse came in and asked my daughter, "Hey, you look in good shape, what do you do?" She goes, "Oh, I wrestle." And she was like, "wow, really? I wish my daughter would wrestle."

I go, "how old's your daughter?" She goes, "oh she's eight years old." she told me she tried to get her into flag football. I said, "oh, that's awesome. I love that now that girls are playing flag football. I think that's so awesome that they're doing that."

And she goes, "yeah, but she gets lazy. And she doesn't want to run her conditioning. Sometimes I just want to yell at her and tell her, get up, get off your butt and get out there and start working harder." And I said, "why don't you do that?" "The psychologist says that's not a good approach."

And I go, "what do you think?" She goes, "yeah, I want to tell her, "hey, move your butt, get working harder." And I think that's the right way. I think maybe you should be going that. That's my approach that I've always worked. And she was just like, "yeah, I think I might try that." And I said, "yeah, good for you."

Andy Earle: It goes back to what we were talking about right at the beginning of this whole thing in terms of just treating our kids like they're so fragile or like we can't push them too hard because we're gonna harm their self esteem or mess them up or say the wrong thing. If we assume that they're strong, that they are capable, that they can do things, then we're passing on that type of belief to them. I think that's also powerful as well.

JD Kinimaka: Yeah, don't underestimate your kids. A lot of people will say, "I don't think they're built for that." "I don't think they can do this." Don't underestimate them because there's a lot of fight in everybody, any human being. They've got fight in them.

Andy Earle: Exactly. J. D. Thank you so much for coming on the show today and speaking with us about your book, your family, your experiences coaching kids of all kinds. It's been really enlightening and a really good time.

JD Kinimaka: Thank you, Andy. I appreciate all the work you've done for me. I'm just so happy and excited to be here today. Thank you so much.

Andy Earle: I would love to talk a little bit about the book. It's called The Competitive Spirit, using Sports to Teach Kids the Skills of Lifelong Success. Could you talk about where people could go to find out more about you or about what you do or follow updates from you?

JD Kinimaka: I have Instagram account and also you can get the book on Amazon. You can get it on book baby. You can get it on Barnes and Noble. There's hardback, paperback, and there's also Kindle.

Andy Earle: We're talking today about how to instill a competitive attitude in our teenagers, and we're not done yet. Here's a look at what's coming up in the second half of the show.

Imagine if after an ugly night of struggling to get your kids to bed, your parents called you up and said you weren't working hard enough.

JD Kinimaka: If an athlete's better than you, there's nothing you can do. You can't control that. What you can control is getting better so the next time you face that athlete. You'll be a little bit more prepared.

Andy Earle: For some reason, we'll just work harder for other people sometimes than we will for ourselves."

JD Kinimaka: I would never do everything for my kids because how are they going to become independent? How are they going to be able to fight through those hard times and deal with those problems? " I want you to be strong, independent women. That's my goal. When you leave my house and go out into the world. I want you to be strong, independent women. I don't want you to need a man." Don't ever get satisfied. Always stay hungry.

Andy Earle: Want to hear the full interview? Sign up for a subscription today. It's completely affordable and your membership supports the work we do here at Talking to Teens. You can now sign up directly through Apple Podcasts. Thanks for listening and we'll see you next time.