Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Andy Earle: You're listening to Talking to Teens where we speak with leading experts from a variety of disciplines about the art and science of parenting teenagers. I'm your host, Andy Earle.

We're here today with Amy Betters-Midtvedt talking about her experience raising five teenagers.

We're going to see how her parenting evolved and changed from the first kid to the last kid, we're going to hear some words of wisdom and helpful phrases that she's found work very well.

And also some phrases that you want to make sure never to say to your teenagers.

We're going to talk about everything from communication, to friendship, to social media, to chores and responsibilities, to dating and mental health, and a whole lot more.

Amy is an author and a speaker with more than a million readers. Her work has appeared in publications including HuffPost, Parents Magazine, Your Teen Magazine.

She's on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok, and she's the author of the new book, You'll Make It, and They Will Too. Amy Betters-Midtvedt, thank you so much for coming on the show today. Welcome to the Talking to Teens podcast.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: We're so excited.

Andy Earle: So you have a book that just recently came out.

You'll Make It and They Will Too. Everything No One Talks About When You're Parenting Teens. Stories from your own family from your experience and great wisdom from coming through the other side with five kids,

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: lots of kids.

Andy Earle: What inspired this book?

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: I really think it was inspired from so many moments that I sat all by myself wondering what on earth was going on with my teenagers, really feeling alone. Because what happens when you are parenting teens is often all of a sudden this communication you have with other people dries up.

We talk about our toddlers, we talk about our school age kids, then suddenly our teenage stories, they're like their stories too. So we have to be really careful. Sometimes in being really careful, we also think we can't share our own feelings about parenting our teens. And so our communities go silent.

I just was sitting really one night outside of my son's bedroom door, not even knowing what to do and thinking, I just wish I had something I could just open that would tell me someone else had felt this way. And so that was the impetus for the book. And then from there, it was just trying to take people through all the places that I had felt alone, or I felt I had wished I had some guidance and trying just to provide that little bit for people.

Andy Earle: How'd you come up with kind of the book is organized into different topics or each chapter is like a key different topic that are things people struggle with during teenage years.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: Yes. And we had organized it chronologically, but it's also designed to be able to pick up and. Be at any point.

So if all of a sudden you're in the weeds, like there's a team and dating chapter and all of a sudden some crazy thing happens to your house, you can just open right to that chapter, real quick. And you're going to be able to understand, get what you need. And then at the end of every chapter, because sometimes parents were like, I just need someone to talk to for one minute. There's a long story short. So at the end of every single chapter, if you like, I don't have time for all the stories and all the things right now, but I just want to know what are the key things I need to think about when it comes to teens and friendship, teens and church, whatever it is you can go, you can just get your little list.

And you've got what you need.

Andy Earle: I love it. Yes. It's great takeaways. It's really actionable things. Also, the chapters are all really organized in this similar flow. They have the same little sections in there. So you start to get a feel what you can't do. What you can do, then you talk about what's happened in your family for you and have some sort of good news at the end.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: We can forget that sometimes parenting teenagers is also filled with joy. There's like a lot of really good moments and a lot of fun that you can have with these crazy people. So I wanted to end each chapter with a little good news.

Andy Earle: You talk in the book about something that you call noticing and naming, which seems pretty simple, noticing what your kids are doing, building it up, naming it in a positive way. But then you also point out that so many times, if we're not careful, or we don't catch ourselves, we're noticing and naming the negative things.

Yes. What does that look like?

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: Yes, that's just such a huge one. And as I'm also an educator, I have been for many years. This was one that I really learned in the trenches of education, really what we name in our kids and our students and our kids in our house, our teenagers really can become their identity.

So the more we're saying this room is a mess, your bathroom looks terrible, or you're late all the time. And we're narrating in their head. I'm a person. That's late. I'm a person. That's a mess. I can't do it. I'm not doing things right. So our language is just so incredibly important, but if we can name for our kids, the things that we see in them that are positive and build those up, you are such and I just use this just the other day with of my kids.

You are such a good brother right now. You are just doing, you're killing it. You are there for especially one of the kids, like you're really spending a lot of time and putting a lot of effort into that relationship. You should really feel proud of yourself for that.

And try to help them too. You should feel pretty proud. Not even that I'm just proud, but you should feel really good about this. And sometimes that's really hard because in the midst of being a really good brother, this person may have also forgotten to load the dishwasher, right? Left all their shoes by the front door times a million.

There's all these other little things that are happening that are driving us crazy. So those we deal with in a different way. And we notice and name those things in our kids that we want to continue to build up and have them continue to do. And sometimes it is like you knocked it out of the park, cleaning the kitchen.

This was it like right here. Like you really, I can tell like you really tried to do an awesome job and I appreciate it. So you can notice the name of those things too, that you want them to repeat. No guarantees.

Andy Earle: But that's almost been the easy ones, and it's harder in the situations like you're talking about where there's something happening that we don't like or that we're not excited about, and to not make our impulse reaction, just be to be calling them out on all the things that they're doing wrong kind of all the time.

It creates that effect where we're giving them those negative labels over and over again,

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: And who would want to be with someone who's constantly telling you what you could be doing better, and somehow we unwittingly do that to our kids so often because we think we're like, trying to teach them, but it's not really teaching them.

It's continually noticing Stuff you're doing wrong and then they do retreat. No, nobody wants to be around that vibe. . That's what my kids would say. .

Andy Earle: It's yeah, I know I didn't load the dishwasher.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: Got it. Got it. Thanks Mom.

Andy Earle: I'm messy. Yeah, I'm working on it.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: Yeah.

Andy Earle: You have a section on communications and connections. And you have a list of all these things that you can say as a parent that will open up conversation versus shutting down conversation. And I thought these were really insightful. Where'd you come up with these lists?

And what are some of the themes, in terms of things parents might say that might create more conversation or. Lead to a more in depth discussion

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: It's really easy for our kids to shut the door.

So we want to be always trying to nudge it open. So our language again, matters so much. And I think oftentimes we're afraid to, sometimes we get afraid for our teenagers in these big moments. And we're so worried that we might say things like, I am so worried about this.

This could be a really big deal. What are you doing? What's happening? So we use this like fear based language and that indicates like we're having some kind of judgment usually about their life. Again, we're telling them, what we think and what they should feel.

We want to really use language that keeps that door open. Be curious about a situation instead of judgmental and afraid. So if we can use that kind of just, all right. What might I say in this moment that's going to, just tell me more about that. Tell me more about what happened.

So often that one works really well because it gives us a chance to calm down if they're telling us something that happened and we're like, okay, wait, I just want to go off the rails here. No. Okay. Tell us. Say more about that. Get them talking. Keep it open. Stay listening and curious in those moments with them so that they do feel like they can share with you.

When our kids are in the weeds, the last thing we want is for them to go elsewhere, right? If they can't talk to us. The odds of them going and getting some not great counsel somewhere else is high. It's really high. So we have to try to keep it that they can come to us and they will get a person that's curious and calm and then helping them work through it because ultimately they have to own their lives, right?

So we have to help them have that narrative in their own mind of now what might we do about this? So we keep them thinking instead of, Oh my gosh. Which I've done before too. Oh my gosh, I can't believe this is another speeding ticket. You are going to lose your license. How are you going to get to work?

That reaction. Is not gonna help the situation.

Andy Earle: And some that, something that you put on this list that I thought was really interesting as a conversation shut down is assuming their feelings. Saying something like, you must be mad, sad, glad, et cetera. What makes that a conversation shut down?

Isn't that kind of trying to like, talk about their feelings and get them talking about what's going on?

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: I think they want to be asked more. How do you feel about that? So my kids really taught me that one, right? So that was when I had done it a lot. And I think in moments of frustration, our teenagers aren't sure how they feel.

They don't have as much life experience. Their frontal lobes are doing all the things. They're not sure how they feel and that they want to own it. They want to be independent in figuring out. So whenever I walk in assuming their feelings, but that's their words, like it would be, don't assume my feelings mom, right?

Don't assume it like, okay, how are you feeling about this? Say more about the situation, what might be going on so that we can again, not put ourselves into their lives in that way. Our teenagers so badly want to be owning and be independent, right? So whenever we can, we want to honor that with them.

Even in those moments where they're making mistakes. And sometimes I would assume their feelings and I'm assuming right, be like, you must be so mad. And later on, they'd be like, I was mad. All right, fine. I was mad, but I wanted to work that out on my own. I wanted to be the one that came to that conclusion.

I didn't want you to do it for me. So that's, I think a big deal for our kids.

Andy Earle: Yeah, I resonate with that. It's when someone tells you to do something or reminds you to do something, even if you were just about to do it, it's you know what?

Actually, maybe I'll do it later.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: I just did that to one of my daughters last night and I could tell she like, I feel like I grounded her right into the couch by telling her like, you are going to bring those dishes. And I could feel her just go Not now.

Andy Earle: Oops. Yeah. I was going to.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: We can't always, and these are all ideal, right? Like we're all, going to mess up all the time. It's just what we can strive for in changing our mindsets a little bit.

Andy Earle: Something else really interesting that you talk about in the book is having different rules for different kids.

Is this okay? Is this not okay? It's unfair, but not all kids are the same. So where do we stand on different rules for different kids?

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: They're absolutely essential. So I used to say in my classroom all the time if someone breaks their leg in this class, we're not all getting a cast.

So someone else might have a cut finger. Somebody else might need a bandaid. So everybody has different needs. And that concrete way of talking about it even works with our teenagers. Everybody has different needs and all of you are different. So with my five kids, and that's like the bar too.

Like I figured out my first kid and I was like, I'm set. I was not set. Not even close to that because the next kid was totally different. The third is different. And then the fourth is different. So as a person with five kids, I can tell you they're all wildly different and they all need to have different needs, different boundaries.

We talk a lot about how it's going to be in our family. It's not going to be that. We all have the exact same rule that, when you become a junior curfew is this, and sometimes they're looking for that, like that sounds reasonable, but maybe it's not reasonable for you.

One kid who consistently broke curfew, might be older and have an earlier curfew than a kid that's younger that is consistently home on time. That's it, because you have shown us by your behavior what you're able to handle. Which, I think actually ends up really resonating with teenagers because we're treating them as individual humans instead of like my way or the highway, right?

And when you're creating those individual roles with kids that they're typically involved, you have to have a conversation with the kid who I may or may not have had to go get from a bonfire. At 1 o'clock in the morning, because they missed 12 o'clock curfew, and I just went and got them.

Which was just, yeah, everyone's huh? Yeah, I'm just here for the one kid. So that one kid is gonna have to have a conversation with me about how I don't want to do that. And I'm not, so now it's not midnight. Now it's earlier, because if I'm gonna have to go get you, I don't want to go get you.

I'll come get you at 10. So that's going to be what it is. So there's some rationale there, right? It's not arbitrary. It's based on their behavior. It's based on past experience. It becomes really hard for them to argue, but it also then offers a road to repair. If you're consistently on time. We'll just move it back.

That's great. I don't want, this is, I'm fine with either one, but you're really choosing with your actions which path you get to be on.

Andy Earle: It's funny. It's actually more fair in a lot of ways because it's actually in conversation with the behavior of the child versus just being a blanket rule.

That's, this is what it is because this is what it was for your sister six years ago. And so now you're the same age. So here's what it is for you.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: Exactly. I think they feel that it also is like a way of keeping you in connection when they break a boundary. We're very connected in that moment because we have to work it out.

It's not okay you broke curfew. Now you're grounded. And now you're, it's very kind of personal. I don't know. Personal to the person.

Andy Earle: I like that. Does curfew one of the main things that you did differently with different kids?

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: Oh, there was a lot. Curfew dating has been a big thing, like different rules for different dating situations. I would say even different rules for what kids are doing around the house, because, now too we do we're the lucky winners Of our kids actually coming back this year.

So we've got all five kids back under our roof for a year in very, an unseen move. Did not see this coming. So everybody has a different life story too. If you are a kid with no job and you're 13 and you don't have lots to do, you're going to have more to do around the house. Then your sibling who is going to school and also working so that we also work out in a way we have to be, it isn't fair for every person, for 1 person to sit on the couch and just rest and relax while watching somebody else trying to get all these things done.

So it really is applicable in a lot of different areas.

Andy Earle: Also, I think there's a stereotype that every kid as you go from the youngest or the oldest to the youngest, the rules are going to get more and more lax or the parents are going to get more and more chill as you go down the line to each new kid.

But you write actually in the book that the one area. Where your youngest child has more rules than his siblings did at his age with cell phones and social media.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: Oh, yeah. That, and he, poor kid, as the fifth kid we've learned so many things. And really, that was actually in conjunction with his older siblings, where they did say Mom.

Save him. You can still save him. There's no drama in my house either. But, really, having watched what I watched, my older kids walked through and mistakes we had made in giving maybe Social media. It's changed so drastically. My 23 year old was just getting Instagram. That just was a new thing when she was 13.

And so now that my 13 year old now think about all the different things that are out there and how it's really just even more of the wild west. So we really have pulled back on him and he has nothing. His siblings had at that age, he does not have the ability to Google, the ability to go on YouTube. He does not have social media.

He has an iPhone, which he can play like. He plays a lot of the Simpsons app, that's like the thing we do, and he can call and he can use Facebook Messenger and that's it. So that decision was really made too. More research has come out, we understand more. I've now worked in a middle school for about five years.

You want to see every bad thing that happens in middle school. I swear it starts on Snapchat, every, all of them on SMS cell phone. It's just what's, what it is. It's a hub. Not being afraid to change the rules in the opposite direction and say, Oh, this did, this wasn't great. So kid, this is just the way it is.

And I'm lucky that he really loves his siblings because they're supporting me in this decision, which is great.

Andy Earle: Yeah. Wow. I could see that causing some tension in the family. Hey guys! What the heck?

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: What'd you tell mom? But I, and lucky for us, the research is continuing to support this. I loved the book, The Anxious Generation just came out and I grabbed that and I was like, oh my gosh, this is everything we decided to do.

So that is also wonderful that the pendulum is starting to move back and I, really hopeful that more parents will grasp onto that and join the force of saying maybe it was this for these kids, but now we have to recognize for this generation, we might want to do things a little differently, even if they're going to really not like us.

And they sometimes really. Don't like us, we have to make our piece with that. They just make your piece right away, .

Andy Earle: So a lot of those things that you mentioned sound tough to enforce. How do you enforce those?

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: I am like the cell phone thing is not that hard 'cause I have it locked down pretty drastically.

It's harder, like there are places that you know that I can't enforce it if he's out and on someone else's phone or in a, another circumstance you have to have really good. Communication.

I really think I've moved from this place of, I used to feel like I had to have a punishment for every crime, right?

Like whatever happens X then Z. So now really, we talk a lot more about like the bank of trust is what we call it in our family. So these are the, our agreements that we make and we sit down and we talk about them. And if you break that agreement, you have taken a withdrawal from our bank of trust.

And at some point, we've had kids who've completely emptied the bank of trust to the zero. There's nothing left in your bank of trust. So really, you're pretty locked down at that point. Anything that's a privilege or, an extra comes crashing down. Now you're going to be accountable for where you are all the time.

And now these are the kind of the things your boundaries become really tight until you make some deposits in the bank of trust. Because we need to be able to trust each other. So there's always a way out by, continually doing the things you're supposed to be doing. But we have been in the weeds with some kids who will go all the way to try, the thing to make the mistake and giving them that way just to say, okay, we're going to all pull back for right now and you're going to stay here and now you have your way back out to get yourself back into the world and be able to go where you please and be with whoever it is that you want to be with.

So that bank of trust analogy has been really helpful. And we're in that relationship to they have to be able to trust us. So that's the other part. Like our agreement is that we're going to try to be calm. We're going to try to be less reactive. I'm not going to arbitrarily say that's it.

I'm taking away all your, which I've done before. That's it. No cell phone. No Xbox. It's all over for you. I'm going to. Try not to be that person. I'm going to try to be connected in relationship with you. And then when I goof out, which I still do, right? I'm going to come back and we're going to repair.

I'm going to apologize and we're going to try to work it out together. Now we're in it together. It's not our teenager versus us. I think that can happen so easily, but somehow I'm trying to stay in it with you. Like I get it, and there are times we don't agree where they want more freedom or want more.

And then I have to be a little bit open. Cause sometimes I'm like, there's no way I'm letting you do that. And then I listened to their proposal and it's I look at you as an individual kid and maybe, so it's that connection that we're trying to stand.

Andy Earle: What are some of those things that your teenager could do to make some deposits into the bank of trust?

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: Yeah, that to me is just really being doing what you say you're going to do, right? So it becomes easier when you break up trust is empty. You're around us a lot, right? You're home a lot. You've got things that you have to do around here. Are you home from school on time?

Are you home from work on time? Are you completing your tasks around the house? Are you getting your schoolwork done on time and handed in just, are you just fulfilling your obligations that are in your life? So the more you're doing that, the more we trust that you're going to also be able to now go out with friends and come home on time.

All right, great. So we're seeing you in the behavior and doing the things you're supposed to be doing. And then we can start to say, okay, got it. We trust you. You're doing it. And they can see that result of living life, doing what needs to be done. And sometimes do they need support in that?

Absolutely. Have we found okay, the kid who's 30 assignments behind. Is not 30 assignments behind because they're being a jerk and just on their Xbox. There are 30 assignments behind because they actually are drowning, right? They're like drowning in schoolwork. So sometimes we uncover things within that situation too that we have to figure out.

Oh, I need to actually work with you. We need to get you some support. We need to figure out. How to help you with those pieces of your life that you're actually not able to do all by yourself. So sometimes you got to look underneath that layer to find those places. The why the behavior is happening, which can then help them fill that bank of trust a little faster and have some hope of being able to do that.

Andy Earle: Amy, thank you so much for coming on the show and taking the time to be with us here today.

The book is You'll Make It and They Will To: Everything No One talks About when You're Parenting Teens. I highly Encourage people to check out a copy. It's got stories from your family. Great stories. Great wisdom. Really helpful, actionable advice. And just really real. And great to see the experience of another family. Just being so open with your life.

So thank you so much for being so open with us here today.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: And so much for having me. What a treat.

Andy Earle: Where can people go to find out more about you to follow updates from you and keep tabs on what you're working on next.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: Great. So my website is AmyBettersMidtvedt. com. That links to all the things, I'm also AmyBettersMidtvedt on Facebook on Instagram, and even on TikTok where my kids are trying to help me.

They're go on TikTok. And then they're like, not like that. So I'm working it out. If you want to come see some weird TikToks that I'm experimenting with, just come on over and then maybe just tell me I'm doing a good job. So my kids think I am. You can lie. So those are, so I'm on all the socials, just under my name, come find me, I've hashtagged the book all over Instagram too, so if you just put in that hashtag, you'll find me as well.

Andy Earle: We're here today with Amy Betters-Midtvedt, talking about the lessons she's learned from raising five teenagers, and we're not done yet. Here's a look at what's coming up in the second half of the show.

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: This is everybody's job. We're all responsible to this community. And so that means it's all hands on deck.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel, right? And that it's okay to be really sad and that it is absolutely a normal to feel, devastated and really upset and like things aren't going to get better, but to remind them, like I've been there, I've felt that and we came out the other side. So I promise you, there's hope

Andy Earle: even if it's not me, there needs to be someone you can talk to about stuff like this. And how can I help facilitate that? If a kid broke their leg, you'd never even think about it. You go get him a doctor, but for mental health, for some reason, we try to do it ourselves

Amy Betters-Midtvedt: be prepared for it to change. Because it is a time where they are trying a lot of things on.

So don't get too crazy either because what you're seeing the next time they come home might again be different. You don't have to realize all your dreams in your 20s. You have your whole life.

Andy Earle: Want to hear the full interview? Sign up for a subscription today. It's completely affordable, and your membership supports the work we do here at Talking to Teens. You can now sign up directly through Apple Podcasts. Thanks for listening, and we'll see you next time.