Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Andy Earle
Hey, it's Andy from talking to teens, it would mean the world to us. If you could leave us a five star review, reviews on Apple and Spotify help other parents find the show. And that helps us keep the lights on. Thanks for being a listener. And here's the show.

You You're listening to talking to teams, where we speak with leading experts from a variety of disciplines about the art and science of parenting teenagers. I'm your host, Andy Earle.

A, we're here today with Leon Logothetis. Talking about how to raise kids who can speak their truth. It can be so hard for teens to be themselves today, or to even figure out who they are or who they want to be. It helps a lot if parents can get vulnerable with teens about what we really want. But how do you do that? How do we raise teens who are able to ask for what they need? How should we respond when teens get angry? Why are yes and no. Two of the most important words teens need to learn how to say what is passive violence? And how does it show up and families? How can we make peace with a teen after a disagreement? How can family members support each other? To talk about all of these topics today, we're here with Leon Logothetis. Leon is a global adventure motivational speaker and philanthropist. He used to be a broker in London, and then he gave it all up for a life on the road. He became the star of the discovery Plus series The kindness diaries, where he circumnavigates the globe, relying on the kindness of strangers while giving life changing gifts along the way. Prior to the kindness diaries, Leon was the host of the TV series, amazing adventures of a nobody, which was broadcast across the world by National Geographic International. And over the course of three seasons saw Leon cross America, the United Kingdom and Europe on just $5.05 pounds, and five euros a day, respectively. And his new book is go be brave 24 and three quarters adventures for a fearless, wiser and truly magnificent life. Leon, thank you so much for coming on the show to speak with us today. Thanks so much for having me. I just finished reading through your book, which is called Go be brave, you've got a really fascinating story of kind of how you got to this point. And a lot of you have done somewhat interesting stuff up till here. Really curious if you could talk a little about what led you to write this book and why you're thinking this is important.

Leon Logothetis
It all started when I was 15 years old, really, although clearly, I'm not 16 years old anymore. But the book really began then I was being bullied as a kid pretty viciously, to be honest. And it really wasn't very pleasant at all, as I'm sure many of your listeners can relate to. And I'd told no one that I was being bullied. And it reached a point where I forced myself to go into my mother's bedroom and share with her what was going on. So I didn't know what the end result of that was gonna be whether she was gonna do anything or not. But she did. She took me out of our school and put me in a new school and things started to get better from there. But I realized many years later, that first moment of speaking my truths to someone, and having my truth, heard, and witnessed changed everything. And as I look back at it, the room the thesis of the book is that bravery is speaking your truth. That bravery is being vulnerable. That bravery is sharing your pain. That bravery is reconnecting to our humanity. So that's why I say that the book began in my mother's room all those years ago. Fast forward a little bit. And I was working as a broker in the City of London, and of course, although I'd been moved schools, my depression my anxiety didn't just magically disappear, right? I was having some issues, and I was living someone else's life. Not my own. I didn't want to really be sitting behind that desk, but I felt obligated to do that. And I remember randomly stumbling across the movie The Motorcycle Diaries. The Motorcycle Diaries is a romanticized version of Che Guevara travelling around South America live or kindness And there was something I found really beautiful about that movie. It just kind of connected me to my heart in a way that I had felt wasn't even possible. So long story short, I quit my job. And I started to travel around the world relying on the kindness of strangers, added quite a few adventures, I hitchhiked from Time Square to the Hollywood sign. I hitchhiked from the Eiffel Tower to Red Square in Moscow. I did a loop around England, from London to England, and from London to Scotland and back to London. And I ended up having all these incredible experiences. And then I moved to Los Angeles and I spent about eight by seven or eight years in LA, kind of, I mean, you've probably been to LA you know, that LA can swallow you up. Right. And I wasn't kind of on the right path, let's say in a kind of, by myself working in this nine to five job again, and things weren't great. And I was walking down Hollywood Boulevard one day and I saw this guy, homeless guy with a sign that said kindness is the best medicine. And there was something about that sign that kind of triggered me in a positive way. So to cut another long story short, I quit my job again. And I started and I decided to buy a vintage yellow motorcycle, a yellow motorcycle called Kai and call it kindness one little bit like Air Force One, but yellow X and circumnavigate the world la all the way around the world back to LA. And there will be a twist. And the twist was that a I had no money, no food, no gas, no place to stay, nothing, couldn't accept money, just love and generosity. But the ultimate twist was that good. unsuspecting Good Samaritans received a life changing guests, for me and the crew. So after I finished that, I did another one that ended up being on Netflix, I did another show where I went from Alaska to Argentina in a 50 year old beetle, yellow this time kindness to write. And then when leading up to the book, so then COVID happened. And I was, you know, I spent a lot of time not doing much as quite a few of us did. And I had this realization, I had this realization that what I had done as a 18 year old, was I'd spoken my truth. And that changed everything. What I had done as a 28 year old, when I quit my job, the first time knows a little bit less was I had spoken my truth. I didn't want to be in that job. What I had done. Eight years later, with the kindness diaries was again, I'd spoken my truth, I and I take an action, I courageously take an action. And I realized that all those moments were moments of bravery. And that's where I defined bravery. As the speaking of our truth, whether it's the sharing of our pain, whether it's I want to change jobs, whether it's I want to leave a relationship, whatever it is. And that's what I decided to write the book go be brave. And I did it in a way I wrote the book in a way where it's very experiential. So you get to go out and have your own adventures in bravery is not just about reading the book. It's about doing the book, it's about being the book, it's about feeling the book. And in the process of doing all those three things, you get to become great.

Andy Earle
It seems like as a teenager, sometimes it just feels like it's so difficult to speak your truth or to even really to find your truth or to know your truth, and then also to speak it and to show up really authentic way. And I wonder why that is or what makes that so difficult.

Leon Logothetis
I think it's because we fear because believe it or not, I used to be a child. So I kind of have some understanding about this. We feel like we're going to be judged. We feel like we're going to be shamed. We feel like the people who are protectors, let's say won't hear us word see us that we've done something bad that we've done something wrong, that we don't want to cause any problems. So we keep things to ourselves. And I understand that clearly. But there's a solution to that. And it's called buy yourself a journal and start by speaking truth to your journal. No one's going to read your journal. Yeah, lock it up and take the key. And that beginning process of starting to speak your truth to no one in particular, except your journal will ultimately lead to maybe finding one safe person and speaking to them. I

Andy Earle
love that and you're getting yourself out of the habit of just keeping it all inside or locking it up. Exactly. So you wrote that You once lost a soccer game to yourself. And you got so mad that you punched a wall.

Leon Logothetis
Oh my goodness.

Andy Earle
Why did you write about that? And what's the point of that? Oh, wow.

Leon Logothetis
Yes, I did write that. And basically what happened was, I was a very competitive fellow clearly. And I had two windows in my bedroom. And one window was one goal. And the other window was another goal. And I was playing against myself now, I learn how that makes any sense. But I was playing against myself. And I lost against myself. And I got so angry that I punched the wall and nearly broke my knuckles. I am strongly suggesting no one does that. Do not punch the wall, because you lose again with soccer to yourself. But the purpose for writing that was because a no one's perfect. And B, we all have anger. We all have some rage inside us, teens, adults, everyone. And we need to find a way to share it in a non violent in a non destructive way. Right. And one of the chapters in the book is called get mad. And what do I mean by get mad? I mean, exactly what I said, get mad, get angry. Have a moment. I am not suggesting if there are any teens listening to this or any mothers listening, the thing that I'm suggesting that their kids get angry with them or not. What I'm suggesting is that we need to release our anger, we need to release our array safely. punching a wall is not safe. Right? Yeah, screaming at someone is not safe. Go into the shower, and start shouting, have a bath. And put your head under the water and start shouting, write in a journal. Let out the rage speak to a therapist, speak to a teacher. Because if we hold into rage, and we hold in the anger, it will ultimately consume us. And that goes for adults and teens alike.

lead it out safely, safely.

So that when you come back to have that conversation that needs to be had, or to do the thing you need to do, you can do it from a place of calm, as opposed to a place of the rage and the anger guiding your behavior. So get mad safely.

Andy Earle
It's seems like we're so in the habit of trying to train ourselves not to feel or not to have those problems or to just be fine. I'm okay. And so it's like, kind of the first step is even just we have to be allow ourselves to recognize that's coming up for us.

Leon Logothetis
Yes, absolutely. And if we don't face our anger, and we don't face our pain, and we don't get mad, there will be a time in our lives when it consumes us. So start as early as possible. If you're an adult, a parent, get your kids to feel free and safe enough to get angry. Because if you don't, they will eat their anger. And it will come back. I'm not talking about physically eating it. Although of course I can happen as well. They will find ways to eat their anger. And it'll come back to haunt them later on in life.

Andy Earle
I think that's so interesting. But it's kind of almost counterintuitive, or something. Because if you have a kid who's getting really angry about something, I think the instinct as a parent is to be saying, Hey, calm down. Let's be nice, you know, don't say things like that, and trying to kind of get reduced the anchor to make the anger not okay.

Leon Logothetis
So adults get angry for a reason. And more often than not, they're very good reasons. So same with a kid, a kid, if he's angry, there's a reason why he's angry. What's the reason?

Andy Earle
Yeah, you need to really ask to learn more. Yeah, but more importantly, you

Leon Logothetis
need to make them feel safe. Because if every time you get angry, if every time a kid gets angry, the parent says Don't get angry or get angrier, then the kid is going to eat his anger. And then the he will never deal with it and they will come up with a later time and cause havoc now.

Andy Earle
So how do you make it feel safe?

Leon Logothetis
By how you behave by how you act? By how you show up? By making the kid feel like there is a safe space for the kid to speak His truth. I'm not suggesting it's easy. I mean, I'm personally not a parent's right. But I know what it's like to be a kid. And I know what it's like when certain people don't give you the freedom to speak your truth. was simply to share what's going on? Do you eat it until it becomes just a consuming event at some point in your life?

Andy Earle
You talk in the book about getting vulnerable about what we really want. And I think that's something that's powerful to remember, as parents, and getting clear about what we really want. And I guess being vulnerable about that with our kids to that were the ways that we're still in progress, or are still pursuing things in our lives and getting or not getting the things that we want. And I think it's so easy to not kind of share that or be vulnerable about going through those things with your kids.

Leon Logothetis
Yeah, I mean, you know, kids obviously look up to their parents and see them as superhuman for many years. And then one day, they were like, they're like, Oh, they're not superhuman. They're kind of just like me on some level, right? So just to be vulnerable. On some level, you don't have to go all out and like, you know, confide everything in your kid that that would not be wise. But it's definitely a way of sharing your own humanity with them. So that they see that, yes, you make mistakes. Like I had a friend who told me a story about how she got angry with her daughter, and shouted at her, and she's never shouted at her daughter. And she apologized. She said, Hey, I'm looking sorry that I shouted to you, I'm going through something that's not related to you. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And that's a much better way of handling those kinds of things, as opposed to oh, shouting and not taking responsibility for the bad words.

Andy Earle
That's hard to do, though. You have to admit certain level of fault or bring yourself down a couple notches are self paying as a parent?

Leon Logothetis
Sure. But I think if you want your kids to be more well rounded, let's say, there's nothing wrong with owning your actions. Why would you not own up to what you've done. But then we go into the psychology of how people can't own up to what they've done, for whatever reason, because if they own up to what they've done, they can't handle that pain of facing themselves. So they don't, or they call handle the pain of their own, you know, vulnerability. So they don't, so they deflect, but that's a psychology, a psychological conversation, which I guess the whole podcast is at some point. And so as the book

Andy Earle
Hey, we're here today with Leon Logothetis. Talking about how to raise kids who can speak their truth. And we're not done yet. Here's a look at what's coming up in the second half of the show.

Leon Logothetis
A story A friend of mine told me about her mother, that she used to love playing football. And she would always go out and go and play football and, you know, get muddy, and she'd come home. And her mother would get very angry with her for being muddy. Now, she wouldn't abuse or anything like that, but she'd get angry with her for being muddy. Now, of course, the kid is going to be muddy because she's playing football. Right? So she was told to go to room, etc, etc. That's all in the sense is passive violence, because you are being shamed for something that isn't shameful. And it also happens with our energies, the way that we show up, we can be sitting in a silent moment and having passive violence. There's no screaming, there's no shouting, there's no ranting. There's no raving, but there's a silent passivity. So I had a friend who betrayed me, and I basically talk about it in the book, the way to resolve these issues, was to go on an ice cream date. So I took this lady on a platonic ice cream date, we went and we talked about our issues, we lay down on the table, and we had this ice cream date. And we kind of work to find things to a certain degree, but things never got back to what they was that what they were. And the purpose of that adventure is again to kind of take responsibility for our own behaviors. do our best to get someone else to do the same thing. And sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't, but to kind of reconnect to each other's humanity. And if the relationship improves great if it doesn't matter, because you've made that effort to connect to that other human being the book is called Go be brave, but really maybe it should be called goby. Magnificent Because by being brave, by being courageous, and courageous is different to gray because bravery is speaking truth. Courage is taking action. By being brave and being courageous. You get the opportunity to create a magnificent life. So when it comes to the adventures of saying yes and saying no, sometimes we don't have the courage to say yes. And we say, No. When I was a kid, I was 18 years old, and a teacher came up to me and said, Me, I was a really big soccer player, would you like to get a scholarship to go play football in America? I can arrange that. And I said, No. When I should have said yes. And I said, No. Because I felt like, my family wouldn't want me to do that. Now, I never spoke to them about that. Maybe they would have I don't know. Yeah. But instead of saying, Yes. Which would have been an act of bravery, speaking my truth. I said, No. So there are things in our lives that we need to say yes. But on the flip side, there are also things we need to say no. And sometimes I think we can all relate to this, whether we're teams or not, that we say yes. When we mean no. And imagine how life would change. If when someone asked you something, instead of saying yes. You said what you really meant felt, which was no, that would change a lot, right? And now act of bravery, that act of speaking truth, whatever our truth is,

changes everything. Want

Andy Earle
to hear the full interview, sign up for a subscription today, you get access to all the interviews I've conducted, as well as new episodes, weeks before the general public. It's completely affordable and your subscription helps support the work we do here at talking to teens. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time.