Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Andy Earle
Hey, it's Andy from talking to teens, it would mean the world to us. If you could leave us a five star review, reviews on Apple and Spotify help other parents find the show. And that helps us keep the lights on. Thanks for being a listener. And here's the show. You're listening to talking to teams where we speak with leading experts from a variety of disciplines about the art, and science of parenting teenagers.

I'm your host, Andy Earle. We're here today with Nick Gray, talking about how parents can have a social life too. When you're a parent of a teenager, it's so easy to let your life start revolving around your child. You focus on their activities, their extracurriculars and their social schedule. Not only that, but research shows, it gets harder and harder to make friends. The older we get, do you ask people to hang out a go catch a movie, they go to the mall, Nick has found that the answer to maintaining a thriving social life as adults is to master the art of hosting to our cocktail parties. You can expand your network, meet new people and deepen your existing relationships. By turning your home into a place where people get together, Nick has broken it down to a step by step science. Nick has been featured in The New York Times The Wall Street Journal, and he's been called a host of culturally significant parties by New York Magazine.

He is the author of the two hour cocktail party, how to build big relationships with small gatherings. Nick, thank you so much for coming on the show today really excited to have you.

Nick Gray
Thanks for having me, I'm happy to talk about friends and parties and big relationships. Well,

Andy Earle
I just read your book, the two hour cocktail party. And I love this. It's such a practical guide. Really so clear. So step by step for how people can start hosting these little gatherings to really expand their network and, and also connect other people to each other and be a person make your house into a place where people meet each other and make really meaningful connection. So I love

Nick Gray
that. Yeah, that's a big thing is that we can become the super connector in your local community. That's such a silly name, because maybe you just want to meet some other parents or even just your neighbors. But what I found was everyone wants to know someone who hosts gatherings who brings people together, everyone wants to know and be friends with that person. And the secret is, anyone can become mad, just by getting some friends together, I found that a happy hour or a cocktail party was the best way to do that. But there's other ways as well.

Andy Earle
It feels like intimidating or hard to get started, or it's going to take so much time or I don't really know that many people, there's kind of like this fear of rejection that kicks in when we're trying to plan something like this. And especially, I think, as parents, with teenagers in the household, it's easy for so much of your life to get focused on them and their schedule, and their social gatherings and all of their stuff that we don't make time to do these things for ourselves.

Nick Gray
Yeah, it's true that with having kids, our schedules, and our calendars fill up because they're the priority, right? And yet, what I found was nobody really teaches adults how to make new friends. We're so obsessed with our kids, and then making friends and nobody teaches adults how to do it. And so I think, what is the behavior that we could model as parents, to prove to be a good role model to our kids? How could we learn to host so that our kids learn those skills as well? How can our kids see us in leadership roles, even amongst our friend groups, right? We talked about the importance of friends, well, let's model that behavior. And let's have a rich life of friendships in the neighborhood and town we live in.

Andy Earle
I love that. And it's funny because even on the show here, we talked about all these topics. But after reading your book, and really thinking about this stuff a lot, I start to realize how much of the time we focus the conversation on helping your kids. How do you help your kids have better relationships in your kids be more social in your kids be more popular in your kids face rejection and go out there and make friends. But so much of good parenting is modeling and is doing the things ourselves and it's really hard to teach your kids any of this if you're not doing it yourself. And it's also so easy not to when your apparent because everything else seems more important.

Nick Gray
It's true. And it's so easy to set ourselves say Oh, we'll get to that eventually. I'll take an example how many times for Are those listening? Have you said all we really should get those neighbors over sometimes, or you go to school or some event for your kid, a sports team, perhaps you say, oh, let's hang out sometime, you know, we really should have dinner, oh, I'll get around to it, I'll get around to it. What I found was we have all these people in our lives that we want to hang out with. But we just don't have time to, or we haven't made it a priority really, by hosting what I call a two hour cocktail party. In the same time it takes to watch a Netflix movie, you can gather 15, to 20 people to start to build relationships with. And it's an easy, lightweight social gathering to touch base with people. So that's what my formula is about. After hosting hundreds of events myself, and building a very robust network, having no no one being kind of a shy person with social anxiety. I've developed skills, and I found the perfect party formula.

Andy Earle
It feels like a lot of times, that initial ask is one of the hardest things when you meet someone who you'd like to get to know better. They seem like an interesting person. It's kind of a big jump sometimes say, hey, let's do whatever. And it's just gonna be us. But there's something that's so much more like a small ask about saying, Hey, I'm already getting these other people together. Why don't you come to and like, it's less kind of intimidating or something like that. And it's just such a great way to expand your network to include those people who are just more like acquaintances and start to kind of bring them closer into your circle.

Nick Gray
It's so funny, you mentioned that because think about what happens, let's say that you're a dad, and you're listening this podcast and you meet another dad, and you think they're cool. Like, what's your next step? What do you do? Where do you go from here? Right? Hey, do you want to hang out sometime? Do you want to be my friend, it's kind of awkward, let's be honest, it's a little awkward. And you only see them at those sporting events or whatever. What I found was a party really allows you to develop and let me know what you think it was a terrible term, what I call a friendship funnel. And you get to have that top of the funnel is where you get to invite all these random people that you meet, or know or haven't seen in years, frankly. And you get to invite them to a party where you get to see if you want to hang out with them and be friends. If not, you're happy to host them for a drink. Now, we're talking about all the personal benefits. They're amazing professional benefits for why you should host a party. And I can talk about that. But just personally, it's huge. And we all need more friends. Yeah, they

Andy Earle
say that. So many opportunities in the professional sphere come from weak ties. And kind of not necessarily the people that are your best friends that you've known forever, because you already have a lot of the same. You're in the same world a lot of times, but it's like those people who are a little more peripheral, that really can open lots of doors for you. Yes,

Nick Gray
it's those loose connections, those weak ties, where we find out about some of the best opportunities from whether it's new jobs, new houses, new business partners, incredible opportunities come from that random LinkedIn connection you made from that random neighbor who happens to have something. And so I'm all about helping people build their network of acquaintances.

Andy Earle
It's funny, reading the book, it's like, You're not just saying, Hey, throw some parties have some people over like, you broke this down to a science, you clearly spent a lot of time thinking about this experimenting, testing different things. You've got other people that you've trained and taught and have test readers who have tried this formula for themselves and tested to have their own parties and see what works and what doesn't work. And it's obviously something that has been brewing for a long time. So I'm super curious to hear just like where that came from. How did you become like such a party nerd or like so into kind of what makes a good party and how to do it?

Nick Gray
I'm happy to be called a party nerd. By the way. I'm happy to take that. Yeah, I've hosted hundreds of parties myself, and I've taught hundreds of people how to host their first party. I moved to New York about 15 years ago, I lived in New York City. And I didn't know a lot of people I wasn't really socially savvy, I guess is the word I was awkward and a little bit anxious. I'd go to nightclubs or bars or networking events, and I'd leave feeling frustrated that I didn't meet anyone frustrated, like I was doing something wrong, frustrated, like I was never going to get it right. And I would swear off these stupid events and just think they're not for me. But I knew that I need to make a difference. I knew I needed friends. I knew that I was supposed to Have these relationships that I didn't have for much of my 20s. And so I decided, instead of going to bad events, I would learn how to host a good event that instead of going to crappy networking stuff, I would bring the party to meet. And I used my birthday party one year as an excuse to do that, that gave me the courage and the confidence to actually reach out to some old friends that I had. But then once they said, Yes, then that gave me even more courage to invite some other people. And that is rooted in the base ideas of my book is that you always start your invitations with what I call your core group. And you want to get those five yeses from your core group. So if you're listening to this, wondering who would I even invite to this, we need five people who would come and from there, then we can branch out to some others. But those first five yeses will give you the confidence to know that if only they show up, you'll still have a good night. Well,

Andy Earle
as you're inviting new people who you don't know as well, it's awkward to invite them without anybody else being confirmed yet, you put up an event page or something for the party, and you're going to be sending it around to people and saying, Hey, come to my party. It just doesn't look very cool. Nobody else has RSVP. Yes.

Nick Gray
It does not look cool at all, you know, yeah, I have that story that I share that I met this woman who I really wanted to impress. And I got ahead of myself a little bit. And I saw her and I said I'm hosting a party, you should come let me invite you right now. And I opened up my phone, and I showed her the invite. And it said something like, you know, 23 people invited only one person was coming, which was me. And it looked like I was inviting her all alone to come over to my house for this thing. It didn't look very good, right? Since that time, I've learned to use this concept of a core group to get those yeses first to build what sociologists call social proof. And social proof means that with those first few people saying yes, it shows that people are coming in, this won't be a data of a party. And then we get more people to sign up and RSVP. I send these things called guest bios, which are really like my secret weapon and the book, their little conversational access points to some of the guests. I see you smiling. It's a great thing. I'm happy about it. Yeah, I

Andy Earle
love that idea of the guest bios. And, yeah, it just gets you kind of excited to meet these people. It's like little teasers or little advertisements for all the people who are going to be coming to the party, and you send those out a few days before the party to just kind of start hyping it up a little bit.

Nick Gray
Yes, exactly. And it helps you know, it really gets people excited. And they want to attend and you show by making an effort that you're a host who cares. Now, if you're listening to this, and you're like, I'm a parent, I have a full time job, this is a lot of work. Know that I've laid everything out worth just a couple minutes each day of working on the party like this. And I promise you that the benefits, you'll be very, very happy when you host this party. And you'll feel like you level up in a skill and it will make a lot of other things in life much easier.

Andy Earle
Why two hours.

Nick Gray
One thing that I've found is that, number one, you want to end the party on a high note. What that means is you want to end the party when things are going well. Have you ever been like the first to have to leave or something? It's kind of a downer, you know, you want to end what's going well, so people want to come back to the next one. The next thing that I found was that a two hour party makes it easier for people to say yes to it's not a large time commitment. There's two more things. When you do a two hour party, it gets people to show up on time, which compresses the awkward zone. The awkward zone is that awkward time the first 1020 30 minutes when not a lot of people have showed up. Sometimes it's the people you know the least to show up the first and you have to, it's really hard. The last thing I'll say is a two hour party shows people that this isn't like an alcohol fueled Bender, that this isn't a rager of a party. This is a concise little meet and greet a happy hour almost. And by the way, we only host these on Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday nights. And so that's why that two hour really make sense. That

Andy Earle
night of the week also does the same thing as signifying that hey, this is we're all going to have work the next day or school or whatever it is. So this isn't going to be something crazy. And we will actually kind of get home on time. It makes it accessible and also then it's less likely people are going to have other plans or other things that they want to do. That's

Nick Gray
nice. It does it makes it less likely that people will cancel less likely that you'll get bumped more likely that they'll Say yes, so that's a big win. Yeah,

Andy Earle
I like this idea that you have the awkward zone at the beginning of the party and how to avoid that or handle that better. Like even having a two hour party, there's still going to be a little bit of an awkward zone there.

Nick Gray
It's true, it's true, there's still a bit of an awkward zone. It happens at every party, even at mine. And I found a way to deal with the awkward zone, which is to lead a practice icebreaker during that time. And that practice icebreaker helps you to add a little bit of structure and mix the group up. And I found, you know, overall, with my book, in my formula, it's about adding a little bit of structure so that people can be successful. So just think about with your kids, if they don't know the rules, how can they play the game? If they don't know what you expect of them with their chores? Or things like that, then how can they live up to your expectation? Well, the same thing happens with a social gathering. If we don't know the rules, then how can we be successful? What I find is a lot of people say, Oh, I just want to be a chill host. No, I just want to chill, I just want people to hang out. And that actually doesn't create the environment that helps people to meet others. And it's what we need so much as adults to create those connections. Now, the whole party isn't scheduled, right? But there's a few little waypoints along the way that have a little bit of structure. So that's what's important.

Andy Earle
I like how you talk about kind of having little icebreaker activities, getting people to share some things, they get deeper as a party goes. So you get to the more advanced icebreakers at the end, kind of showing more deep things. But also, it's like, by breaking and moving to an icebreaker activity, that kind of like it lets people get out of whatever conversation they were just envisioning. And then gonna kind of mix everybody up, and they can go jump into a new conversation with somebody new, because a lot of times, it's so easy to get kind of like in one conversation with one person that you're like, really vibing or that maybe you feel stuck in or something like that. And then you don't get a chance to, like, meet lots of other people. So I love this idea of sort of breaking it up into pieces.

Nick Gray
Giving people the excuse to end their conversations is just as important as starting new conversations. You know, have you ever been in a party and you get trapped, talking to someone? And you're kind of over it five or 10 minutes, right? So that's interesting. Can you help me think about this, because you're like a researcher, you've spent time in academia, I think there's something to the energy flows of a party. And I'm not going to tell you about crystals or get hippie. But I'm saying that when you do an icebreaker, it brings down the energy because everybody's focused and quiet and listening. And then you release the icebreaker into unstructured time and the room explodes in energy. It's one of the craziest things. But it explodes with all these new conversations. And there's something about writing those energy to bring it in and constrict and then release to bring it in and then release. That's very exciting.

Andy Earle
I love that it's kind of a good piece of music isn't just loud, loud, loud the whole time. It's like it gets soft, and then it gets loud. And then it gets softer. Like a good story. A good plot for a movie is like there's a lot of action. And then there's kind of like, a little bit more of a scene that makes you think and then things slow down. And then it gets crazy. Again, there's the action and then it slows down. And there's something just about kind of this flow of energy that it can't be like all one level the whole time or all one thing it makes it feel like a lot more of a ride if we're kind of going up and down and in and out a little bit.

Nick Gray
Yes, like a ride. I like that a lot.

Andy Earle
Very cool. So what do you do? How do you host an icebreaker? What does that look like? And how do you make it not kind of feel cheesy or something?

Nick Gray
So first, let's talk about the reason why that we do icebreakers why told you already is to end conversations, but also the purpose of icebreakers. It's a conversational crutch, to give people an excuse to go talk to somebody new. And it's like a roll call that's around the room. How many events have you been to where, you know, there's interested people in the room but you don't know who to find you're left to bump into them by happenstance. What I do an icebreaker, the reason I like them is it gives everybody a chance to sound off around the room. And they get to say their name, what they do for work, and then one icebreaker question. The icebreaker question that I use, I use two questions and all my parties. The first one at the beginning of the party, when there's not a lot of rapport built up when people are a little stiff, as I ask them, say your name, say what you do for work or how you spend your days. And then say one of your favorite things to eat for breakfast. What's your go to mind for example, I like scrambled eggs with coconut oil. Coconut oil is really my secret ingredient. Okay. And so I like that and that shares a little bit about my personality itself. to a quick answer. Okay. Note that it's very quick. And so that's important that people don't freeze up. You know, I hate the icebreaker, two truths and a lie. That's so bad. I don't like that one. So think about those. Those are some examples. I don't like two truths and a lie, because I think it's just really difficult. It makes people lock up and they they're trying to impress others

Andy Earle
think of a really good way to try to fool people and make this whole kind of head game. Yeah,

Nick Gray
exactly. That's why there's all these things versus breakfast. Everybody eats or chooses not to eat breakfast every single day. The second icebreaker about an hour later at your party, we'll do another icebreaker that I think is a value additive icebreaker. What a value additive icebreaker means is it's it's really an icebreaker that helps people learn new things. So what's an example of that? An example of that would be, what's a piece of media that you've consumed recently, that you'd like to share? It could be a documentary, a movie, I think I'll ask you now, for example, for you, what's one that you would like to share that you've read? And why did you like it, Andy,

Andy Earle
I recently read this book called the two hour cocktail party. It's actually what inspired me to host this party right now. And I love that it provides a strategic framework that people can use to host gatherings and expand their network,

Nick Gray
sponsored posts. But sharing that is a neat way for people to leave your party feeling smarter, feeling like they learned something,

Andy Earle
it also tells you really something about the people buy based on what they share and what kind of media they consume. Because there's everyone, everyone's different in sort of what they find interesting, or what they would want to share.

Nick Gray
And people love that, right, because it helps them learn more new things. And we'd love to get these recommendations from others who we know and who we trust. So that's really important. So I use those two icebreakers. And they help people and you'll just be shocked at how it encourages new conversations, to give people an excuse to go meet somebody new. That's the whole purpose of these parties. That's why we do them to help encourage new conversations so people can make new friends and meet new people.

Andy Earle
Why do you not just recommend but require that people use name tags

Nick Gray
at a party name tags serve as a visual unifier that we're all on the same team. This isn't a party of clicks, right? This isn't just everybody who knows. And there's one or two other people, it serves as a safe space to go up and create new conversations. I also selfishly use name tanks, because I'm bad with names. I forget names, often as the host, it can be very difficult. But I think a lot about the experience of an introvert or somebody who is a little shy or social anxiety, that having name tags really makes people feel more welcome in a room. And it makes the room feel more on a safe space to go up and have those new conversations.

Andy Earle
We're here today with Nick Gray, talking about how parents can maintain a thriving social life as we get older, and we're not done yet. Here's a look at what's coming up in the second half of the show.

Nick Gray
I think the best way to do it is for the parents to host themselves to model and to show that and the kids are going to learn and see the benefits of having structure. And then they'll see their own parties without structure. And they'll think and adapt the formula in their own ways, really to make it work. Does that make sense? So that phrase, cocktail party really encapsulates a lightweight social gathering. And it means you know, I don't even drink alcohol myself, but I use the phrase cocktail party, just like I'd use happy hour or part of your gathering, that it really encompasses a lightweight gathering of people that they can just pop into and have a lot of little conversations. It's different than a dinner party. That dinner party is a big commitment usually assumes two or three hours a seated group, you really need to know the host Well, for a cocktail party. It's light, it's easy, it's easy to say yes to I think that's the most important thing. It's harder, and it's so silly and frustrating that nobody's taught adults how to do that. And it's nice to be able to have a formula or a framework. I worked with a guy who read my book and reached out to me from Houston, Texas, who's a screenwriter there and he also was a university professor. And he said that he loved my book has social anxiety. And he said your book told me exactly what to do. It gave me a role at my own party. And because I knew what my job was, I didn't have as much stress or anxiety. So given people I think those types of people liked the book even more, because it tells them exactly what to do to have a successful event. Delegating duties. What is the first person who comes to your party says they says, Hey, how can I help? Let me know what I can do to help. And when you give them roles when you give them duties, not only does it make them feel more at ease, but you also enlist them as somebody that's on your team to help you have a successful night. So I love delegating duties. Some of the things that I will delegate to people are maybe to help at the self serve bar to help people read their names on a cup. To be the photographer for the night. Say, Hey, how would you feel comfortable snapping photos? I always forget to take pictures myself. In the wintertime when it's cold. I asked people to help with a coat check. Hey, can you help with the first few guests you know for the coat check show people where to set their bags. My a friend of mine in Little Rock, Arkansas will say Hey, Jenny, you're in charge of high fives I wanted to give out free high fives to all the new guests tonight. And so little things like that to delegate the duties. It makes it easier for the guests to meet more people as soon as they arrive. Want

Andy Earle
to hear the full interview sign up for a subscription today you'll get access to all the interviews I've conducted, as well as new episodes weeks before the general public. It's completely affordable and your subscription helps support the work we do here at talking to teens. Thanks for listening. I'll see you next time.