Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Linda Flanagan, author of Take Back the Game: How Money and Mania are Ruining Kids Sports, joins us to discuss how the competitive culture of kids’ sports can be damaging to both  parents and teens.



Full show notes

Does your kid love sports? Whether they’re sliding into home base or scoring a touchdown, sports can be an incredible way for kids to stay healthy, make friends, and learn the value of teamwork. For some kids, sports can become a way of life, granting them a chance to travel or even bringing in college scholarship money. With so much to offer, it seems like sports are the perfect activity to sign kids up for.

But it turns out that kids’ sports aren’t always the character-building extracurriculars we think they are. The youth sports industry is valued at over nineteen billion dollars, and that money is coming from parents who feel obligated to pay for everything from equipment to sports tourism. Severe injuries from playing too much can destroy our kids' long term health, and the status-driven nature of these sports takes a toll on our families and our culture as a whole! It’s time to take a critical look at our kids' sports teams, and decide if they’re doing more harm than good.

This week, we’re joined by Linda Flanagan, author of Take Back the Game: How Money and Mania are Ruining Kids Sports. Linda is a freelance journalist, researcher, former cross country coach and mom to an athlete herself! Her work has been featured in The Atlantic and Runner’s World, and she’s a regular contributor to NPR’s education site MindShift. Today, Linda is warning us about the dark side of kids’ sports, and what we can do to help our young athletes stay happy and healthy despite it all.

In the episode, Linda and I are covering the damaging effects sports can have on families, why the pressure to win is harming our kids, and how we can help teens create a healthier connection to the sport they love.

If playing sports was totally free, the world would probably be a better place…but unfortunately most kids' sports force parents to spend a pretty penny. Memberships for private club teams, equipment, uniforms and traveling to games gets pretty expensive, meaning low income families are typically excluded, says Linda. And it gets worse–research indicates that the more money parents spend on sports, the less kids enjoy them. Linda explains that this is likely due to increased pressure kids feel knowing how much money is riding on their soccer victory.

The damage to families goes past the financial costs, however. The current culture of kids’ sports drags parents into an obsession with status that can be very unhealthy, says Linda. She explains that kids’ wins and losses can start to feel like our own, and it’s not always easy to draw strong boundaries. This infatuation with our kids’ victories can even cause us to behave poorly at their games, yelling at referees or cursing at kids on the other team, Linda says. This isn’t exactly the kind of good citizenship we hoped kids would learn from these sports!

Linda points out that traveling can also be a seriously damaging factor for families, especially for single parents. It can spread parents thin and force them to prioritize one sibling over another, she says. Kids are very attuned to this kind of imbalance in parents’ attention, and it can have lasting effects. Linda explains that this is especially true if one sibling is an athlete while the other enjoys more internal activities like reading. In the episode, we talk more about the strain kids’ sports can put on families and parents.

While the family unit as a whole can be seriously affected, the damage that modern day youth athletics has on kids can be even more severe. Linda and I dive into the overwhelming pressure and even physical harm these sports can cause in our interview.

We often look at college admission and scholarships as a major benefit for young athletes…but it can be a source of major stress too. Many teens who joined sports for fun as kids feel immense pressure to keep playing in order to get into better schools. Linda reveals in our interview that prospective students are 14x as likely to get into Harvard if they’re recruited to play on the schools’ sports teams. This can put kids in a difficult dilemma–and parents too. We might feel like we need to put all our money and time into kids’ sports careers, to ensure that they have a bright future.

The pressure doesn’t stop there, says Linda. Prestigious, competitive club teams perpetuate an individualist approach to sports, she says, by pitting kids against each other for spots on the team, individual accolades and even financial aid. Plus, by recruiting kids from all over, these club teams aren’t striving to create community in a local place–they’re aiming solely for victory. In the episode, Linda also explains how these teams tend to cause tension between teens and their high school teams by forcing them to pick between the school team and the private club.

When teens feel overwhelming pressure to succeed at their chosen sport, they’ll do anything…including permanently injuring themselves, says Linda. Recent research has indicated that the number of serious injuries sustained by kids on the field has increased at a staggering rate. Linda uses the example of an ACL tear in our interview–an incredibly common sports injury among kids that requires surgery and usually causes arthritis after 10 years! The annual rate of ACL tears in the Boston area alone has increased from 500 to 2500 in less than a decade, says Linda.

So are sports all bad? Is there anything we can do to shield ourselves and our kids from the havoc these sports can wreak?

To help ease all the toxicity of youth sports culture, Linda recommends that kids engage in other activities and interests too. If not, they’re susceptible to a syndrome she calls “athletic identity foreclosure.”  This occurs when kids have no other interests outside of sports–and then suddenly can no longer play due to injury or other factors. If they’re identity is entirely wrapped up in the sport they play, teens can feel like they no longer have anything to offer the world and experience a serious identity crisis. 

It can also help for parents to set up boundaries for their involvement in kids’ teams, says Linda. She believes it's important for parents to miss a few games here and there, so that kids know parents have their own lives! This allows kids to take ownership of the activity outside of parents’ interest, taking  some pressure off and reminding them that they can always quit if they’re no longer dedicated to the sport. It’s good for parents too, as it allows them to pursue activities that aren’t all about their children!

The bottom line is, sports aren’t bad–but toxic sports culture is! Sports can be fun, educational and great for kids' health…in fact, playing a varsity sport in high school is the number one predictor of lifelong physical fitness, says Linda. But alternatively, college athletes have been shown to live a lower quality of life and experience less general happiness due to physical and mental stress, she explains. If we want our kids to benefit from athletics, we’ll have to mend our youth sports culture and practice moderation.

Linda and I discuss a variety of issues plaguing the youth sports world, with lots of great advice for parents along the way! In addition to the topics discussed above, we also talk about…

If you enjoyed this week’s episode, you can find more from Linda on Twitter at @Lindaflanagan2. Thanks for listening! Don't forget to share and subscribe and we’ll see you next week!

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