Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Pete Davis, author of Dedicated, speaks to us about the power of commitment in an age of infinite options. Plus, what to say to a teen trying everything to gain status.



Full show notes

Some teens just don’t want to commit to anything! They go to one lacrosse team practice but quickly lose interest, quit piano lessons when the songs get difficult and avoid debate team meetings after school...even though they signed up for the whole year! As a parent, it can be frustrating to watch them shrug off any kind of obligation. You know getting involved in activities will help them gain new skills and make friends. So how can you get them to see how valuable commitments can be?

The truth is that kids these days are stuck in browsing mode. With so many distractions, it’s hard for them to focus on one thing. And even when they find something they care about, society tells them not to settle, not to get tied down, not to stick with anything that isn’t their “perfect” calling. But if we can help kids understand just how rewarding it is to find a lasting passion or commit to a craft, we can guide them towards a brighter, happier future.

This week, we’re talking to Pete Davis, author of Dedicated: The Case for Commitment in the Age of Infinite Browsing. Pete spoke at Harvard University’s 2018 graduation ceremony about the value of being committed to something meaningful. Since then, the video of his speech has been viewed over 30 million times! His inspiring message about dedication might be just what your teen needs to hear.

Pete and I dive into the power of commitment in this week’s episode. We cover the importance of helping teens find a craft, discuss why kids should give up on the notion of finding their “calling”, and explain how it can be valuable for young adults to pick something and stick to it! If you want to help your kid find a fulfilling future but don’t quite know what advice to give, you won’t want to miss this episode!

We know that playing football keeps teens in shape and learning the guitar allows kids to play their favorite songs...but these benefits are just the tip of the iceberg. Teens can gain so much from finding a craft they love and committing to it. In the episode, Pete and I chat about how hobbies and extracurriculars help teens learn to take feedback, persevere through difficulties, and find community.

Pete and I talk about his time playing the piano as an example. From the age of 5 to 13, he worked with the same piano teacher, constantly improving his playing along the way. By committing to one mentor and one activity for so long, Pete was able to track his progress, see his evolution and create strong connections to both his teacher and other students. By the time he stopped taking lessons at 18, he experienced what he describes as one of life’s greatest pleasures: looking back and understanding the beauty of the journey.

Pursuits like painting and baseball are about so much more than just winning games or getting into galleries, says Pete. They empower teens by showing them that they’re capable of greatness! Plus, they teach kids that there are forces bigger than themselves that they can contribute to and feel good about. These lessons will help them head into adult life with confidence and purpose.

In addition, crafts help teens find heroes and mentors who encourage them to strive for excellence. Along with his amazing piano teacher, Pete was constantly encouraged by idols: famous folks who’d accomplished extraordinary feats. He advises parents to indulge in a teen’s interest in prominent figures, as it will allow teens to see how greatness is achieved. If your teen is into filmmaking and fosters a love for Steven Spielberg, it might be a good idea to get them a Spielberg biography!

Sometimes however, even when teens have an inkling about what they like to do, they’re not quite ready to commit. They fear choosing the wrong thing, wonder if they’ll regret their decision, fuss over what others think. This indecisiveness can lead teens to a state of analysis paralysis, where they just sort of do...nothing! Pete and I delve into how we can prevent teens from getting stuck in this space, what he calls the “menu screen of life.”

Our society tells young people that they shouldn’t settle for less than the perfect pursuit. Teens are told that they need to hold out for a flawless opportunity, the thing that ignites the fireworks of their passion without any drawbacks! Now, it’s pretty obvious to those of us who’ve been around a little longer that these shiny, spectacular opportunities...don’t really exist! No job, extracurricular or subject of study is going to be perfect. Everything requires sacrifice and compromise.

If teens spend too much time twiddling their thumbs, waiting for the “right” thing to come along, they’ll only find themselves with nothing at all! That’s why Pete recommends teens find something that interests them and simply stick with it. Of course, if teens are miserable or end up involved in a toxic situation, they shouldn’t trap themselves by committing to it. But studies show that when we buckle down on an activity we have at least some interest in, we often find ourselves becoming incredibly passionate about it–even if we aren’t quite sure at first.

That commitment can be pretty scary, especially when we’re entering a big office full of people we’ve never met or trying something we haven’t done before. But if we can persevere through the messy parts, there’s so much empowerment waiting on the other side, says Pete.

The more we put time and effort into something, the more it reveals it’s benefits to us, says Pete. In the episode, we discuss a psychological phenomenon known as the psychological immune system. When we commit ourselves to something, our brain essentially just adjusts to match our newfound reality. Lotto winners find themselves just as happy (or unhappy) as they were before winning. And those who commit to something find it becomes their purpose, simply because it’s what they do everyday!

In the episode, Pete and I discuss how we often think greatness will be thrust upon us one day. We imagine that we’ll find ourselves in a circumstance where we save someone from a burning building, or make a grand speech that convinces the love of our life not to fly to Paris after all! But these notions are merely cinematic. If we really want greatness, says Pete, we must commit to waking up everyday and striving for it.

Pete is not only brilliant, but a blast to talk to! This week’s episode is as fun as it is informative. We answer all your questions about commitment, including:

Although teens might be reluctant to stick to any one thing, Pete’s advice can help. If you enjoyed listening, check him out at Petedavis.org. You can also grab his book wherever books are sold. Thanks for tuning in, and we’ll see you next time!

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