Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Leidy Klotz, author of Subtract, shares his research on the science of taking things away, simplification, and subtraction to make more space for better ways of living. How to scale back tech use, clean up our calendars, and streamline family rules is coming up!



Full show notes

When kids are driving us up the wall and we want to regain control, we add rules. Then, later down the line...we add more rules. Soon we find ourselves trying to figure out a rule for every video game and homework assignment. As humans and parents, we’re wired to add more and more structure, attempting to create a sense of security. But sometimes the answer doesn’t lie in addition–it lies in subtraction!

We often fail to consider that maybe instead of putting more on our plate, we can instead take something away. This is because in our evolutionary pursuit of survival, humans have gained an affinity for acquisition. We used to hunt and gather to acquire food, but in our modern world, this need to attain means we like to add new objects, responsibilities, and ideas to our life. When uncertainty rears its head, we automatically think addition is the answer. However, if we consider letting something go instead, we might see a better path was right in front of us all along.

In today’s episode, we’re talking to Leidy Klotz, author of Subtract: The Untapped Science of Less. Leidy pulls from his innovative behavioral research and years of design and engineering experience to break down why we as a species feel inclined to add more and more to our lives without removing the things that drag us down.

Leidy and I are discussing why it is that our brains are so predisposed to pile more on without considering the possibility of letting something go. We also cover how we can help teens make some smart subtractions when it comes to technology, and explain how you and your teen can practice subtraction in everyday life.

As a species, our inclination to keep adding comes from both biological and societal forces, says Leidy. Our ancestors learned to accumulate more ideas and objects as they fought for survival, and that urge still sticks with us today. Our consumerist society is another contributing factor, with advertisements boasting endless add-ons (if you just call now!) and commercials telling us that we NEED to buy the newest fancy gadget in order to go on with life.

The need to gain is only magnified by our desire to appear competent, Leidy explains. This urge may be what’s driving your teen to add more and more extracurriculars to their schedule, apply to 100 colleges, or have more than a few girls on speed dial! And when they find themselves overwhelmed, they often believe with even more certainty that continuing to add more will solve the problem–which of course, only makes things worse! Leidy and I title this the “the downward cycle of subtracting doom” in the episode.

If that wasn’t bad enough, not only do we love to add things to our life, we’re also afraid to let go. Leidy and I discuss in our interview why you can’t seem to ditch that old set of paints you bought years ago when you suddenly decided you would become a painter...the ones you haven’t touched since the day you got them. Getting and keeping possessions can give us some seriously happy feelings–almost like the ones we get when we take drugs or do something risky and get away with it. These powerful connections can keep us from giving up things that we don’t need.

For teens today, these intense feelings can be tied to social media platforms–ones that they know make them feel anxious, but they can’t seem to get rid off. Plus, when the newest one comes out each month, teens download it without a second thought, motivated by the all-too-human need to acquire. Leidy and I tackle how you can talk to teens about resisting addition when it comes to tech.

When you think about situations where your teen tends to add until they reach excess, tech is probably towards the top of the list. Nowadays, teens have more devices, streaming services, gaming apps and social media sites than any of us ever thought possible. They just continue to add more and more tech to their lives, without giving any thought to moderation! How can we help kids fight the urge to add when it comes to technology?

Leidy offers an interesting solution, borrowed from public policy! Interestingly, he explains in the episode that our code of federal regulations has grown almost seventeen times since 1950, a testament to the human tendency to keep adding indefinitely! Leidy and I discuss how in British Columbia, three regulations must be removed whenever one is added, which helps maintain balance.

This same idea is effective when it comes to limiting teens' tech use. When they buy a new video game or start using another social media platform, it can be good to prompt them to delete a few of the old ones! By watching how much they are consuming, you can help teens use tech in a healthy way instead of developing bad habits.

Removing unnecessary clutter, whether that be iphone apps, old clothes or even ideas, can be liberating. But it’s not always easy. So how can we practice subtraction in our everyday lives?

One of the most fascinating findings from Leidy’s research is that when faced with a problem, humans are almost universally certain to conjure up a solution that includes addition. Not only that, but they don’t even consider subtraction as an option, even when it’s pretty clear that it would be a much simpler remedy to just remove something.

Leidy emphasizes the importance of suggesting subtraction when your teen is in a tough spot. If they’re stressed about passing AP spanish, and want to add more and more hours of studying until they’re no longer sleeping, maybe it’s time for them to drop the academic decathlon to make time. Or maybe they want to feel popular, but steadily increasing their social calendar has led them to feel burnt out. In this case, perhaps subtraction means really looking to see who their true friends are and sticking to those people who enrich their lives the most.

Leidy and I also touch on how subtraction can bring an unexpected blessing, by creating something additional. If you take the center out of the donut, it creates more surface area for glaze and allows the donut to cook more evenly...plus you get donut holes! When you subtract a meeting from your own schedule, not only did you remove something to release tension, but now you have an hour of time to focus on something more important or something that makes you happy.

Leidy’s innovative ideas about decision making and human behavior makes for a fascinating episode this week. On top of the topics discussed above, we talk about:

I had a blast interviewing Leidy and am excited to share his work with you! Don’t forget to share and subscribe, and we'll see you next week!

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