Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Jonah Berger, PhD, bestselling author of The Catalyst and Contagious, shows us the most effective way to be catalysts for change. The first step is to uncover what barriers stop teens from changing right now.



Full show notes

It’s not easy to talk teens into anything. Simply getting them to clean their room or finish their stats homework is a nightmare! It seems that as soon as you ask them to do something, they do the opposite, just to spite you. It can feel like you’re hitting the same wall over and over, never finding a way through.

Beyond just the realms of homework and household chores, this inability to get through to teens can have dire repercussions. If a teen is developing a serious drug problem or skipping school everyday, we need a way to reach them and help them get back on a better path. How can we break the cycle and finally get teens to listen?

Our guest today is here to share his revolutionary approach to inciting change in others. His name is Jonah Berger, and his new book is The Catalyst: How to Change Anyone’s Mind. Jonah’s method ditches all the nagging, pleading, and yelling for a much simpler, more harmonious process. He’s here to tell you how you can get kids to WANT to change, instead of trying to force change upon them.

In our interview, Jonah explains why trying to convince someone to do something will only push them in the other direction. He expresses why it’s so much more valuable to ask kid’s questions rather than bombard them with what you believe. He also discusses techniques you can use to help your child change their behavior when they just won’t seem to budge.

So why is it that teens just won’t comply when we beg them to change? It’s because our entire approach is wrong, says Jonah.

In the episode, he explains how people feel a deep need for autonomy. As humans, we want to feel that we’re behind the wheel of our own lives, steering ourselves in the direction of our choice. When someone else, especially a parent, tells us to behave a certain way, we feel like our agency is threatened. This leads us to retaliate, and do the exact opposite of what’s requested of us.

This is especially true for teens who are still trying to figure out who they are. The last thing they want is for their mom or dad to tell them what to do. They want to be free to make all their own choices, even if those aren’t quite as mature as they think. As you’re standing in front of them telling them to come home before curfew, they’re thinking about all the reasons why they should do the exact opposite. The more you push, the more they dig their heels in the ground.

As Jonah points out, a lack of information isn’t the issue. Teens know why they shouldn’t be out and about at one AM. They know they should be home safe and sound by curfew. They just don’t want to do it, if you’re telling them tot. So the question is, how can we lead teens to act on their own logic? The trick, Jonah reveals, is making teens believe it’s their own choice.

Clearly, trying to convince kids by sheer force to change won’t work. Kids crave autonomy, and need to believe they arrived on their decisions on their own. However, we can help kids harness this need for autonomy to make the right choices for themselves. Jonah explains how, when you want your teen to change, you can give them a few options. He suggests allowing them to choose their path, instead of telling them what to do outright. This guides them in the right direction while also giving them a say in their own situation.

For example, say your kid skateboards for hours after school, leading to them to fail to finish their homework on time. You want them to start coming home by five, so they have time to work on assignments before dinner. But no matter how many times you mention it, they just keep staying out later and later. Using Jonah’s approach, you decide to present them with two options. They can come home at five in time for dinner, or they can come home late–but they’ll have to provide themselves with something to eat.

So long as you’re not pressuring your teen to choose one option or another, you’re giving them agency over their own time. If they want to skate, they can do so, but then they won’t receive the meal they’ve always expected to be fed to them in the evening. If they do come home and start their homework, they’ll earn that freshly cooked dinner. Not only will they likely arrive home when you’d prefer, but they’ll feel good about it because they’ll have made the decision themselves.

After kids leave home, they’ll no longer have you to nudge them in the right direction. They’ll have to make even bigger choices in the real world, like deciding who they’ll spend time with and how they’ll earn a living. If you want to prepare your kids to grow gracefully into total autonomy, you’ll have to make sure you’re encouraging them to ask the right questions, says Jonah.

When kids grow up, and they're alone in the world with no parent holding their hand, they’ll have to figure out how to live a happy life on their own terms. They’ll have no idea how to remain stable and healthy if they aren’t taught to reflect and work out what they truly want. They also might find themselves in a bad spot if they don’t know how to think critically about their actions. Jonah explains how you can help kids be more self aware by prompting them to ask certain questions.

If your teen is going out with friends that you don’t know, that may make you nervous, and you might want to forbid them from going. Jonah suggests that instead, you probe them to ask themselves some questions like: Do I really like these people or am I just hanging out with them to feel “cool”? Do they ever pressure me into doing things I don’t want to do? Do I feel safe with these people?

By inspiring kids to ask themselves these questions, you’re teaching them to encounter situations with forethought, says Jonah. This ability to think before plunging into things will carry into their adulthood and help them avoid disaster. Additionally, asking broader questions about what they want out of life and the kind of person they want to be will help them develop their own set of values for when they step foot into the world on their own.

Jonah’s unique insights about how to spur change in teens makes for a great episode this week. In additions to the topics above we also talk about:

Although getting teens to make a change can feel impossible, Jonah’s advice brings a fresh and hopeful perspective. Excited to share his expertise with you!

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