Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

R. Doug Fields, author of Why We Snap and Electric Brain, shares insight from the field of neuroscience on why as evolved as we are, parents and teens still snap at each other. Plus, what new research in the field of brain waves could mean for our kids in the future.



Full show notes

You’ve been asking your teenager to unload the dishwasher for days, only to be brushed off everytime. One day, you decide that enough is enough–your teen has lost the privilege of having their phone until they unload it. You announce this to your teen, explaining with a perfect sense of calm why this has to happen….but suddenly, your teen flies off the handle! Furious, they hurl insults, exclaim protestations, and then refuse to come out of their room. Why are they getting so worked up over such a small event?

It turns out that this response is a part of a complicated evolutionary brain mechanism, one intended to keep us safe...but can sometimes misfire. It comes down to how we’re wired to face threats, whether we’re being followed down a dark alley or getting into an intense facebook fight! Understanding how this mental system works can help teens from making some impulsive mistakes–and help parents stay cool when arguments with teens heat up.

This week we’re sitting down with neuroscientist Dr. R. Douglas Fields, author of Why We Snap: Understanding the Rage Circuit in Your Brain and Electric Brain: How the New Science of Brainwaves Reads Minds, Tells Us How We Learn, and Helps Us Change for the Better. Dr. Fields is a leading researcher in the field of brain science, studying everything from experimental usage of brain waves to developmental psychology. Today, we’re talking about aggression: why it comes so suddenly, how it affects our body, and what we can do about it.

Dr. Fields became fascinated by the brain’s aggressive response when he found himself being attacked by a gang on the Barcelona subway. While he and his daughter were in the station, he felt someone grasp for his wallet. Instantly, he was able to grab the perpetrator and tackle him to the ground, putting him in a chokehold. With no martial arts training, and no exceptional athleticism….how in the world was Dr. Fields able to accomplish such an astounding physical feat??!

Asking himself that same question, Dr. Fields embarked on a research journey to understand how the body is able to perceive threats and react accordingly. It turns out, this response is deeply unconscious, monitored by the same mechanisms that our brain uses to regulate hunger and thirst.

Since this response is hard-wired in our brains, intended to keep us alive, Dr Fields says it’s pointless to tell an upset teen to just “calm down”. In fact, that will likely make the situation worse. Instead, Dr. Fields suggests educating your teen on why a situation is firing them up, and prompt them to consider if it’s worth acting on their angry impulses. If someone flips your teen off in traffic,of course they’re going to get upset. But is it worth yelling back and cutting this person off, risking their own safety? Likely not! Having these discussions with teens can keep them from making decisions they regret.

While adults struggle with aggressive responses just like teens do, teens are not as capable of regulating their response, says Dr. Fields. In the episode, he discusses how teens’ have brains that aren’t quite developed enough to control their angry impulses. He shares how you can help a teen learn the importance of self control.

When it comes to handling danger, there are certain factors that affect the nature of our reaction. Dr. Fields dives into what these factors are, and why they’re so important to understanding aggressive impulses.

There are four main influences that affect the body’s response to a perceived threat: our genetic makeup, our childhood experiences, brain damage (from sources like injury or drugs), and, most importantly, our gender. While it’s important to consider our level of impairment (we all know alcohol can make us a little more inclined to impulsivity) and the nature of our upbringing, Dr. Fields says the number one force that indicates our level of rage is our sex.

Why is this so? Dr. Fields explains that the answer comes down to the bilateral nature of our brain! When women are encountered with a threat, the response takes place in the left side of the brain, where we process smaller details and analyze the situation at hand. When a large man brushes a bit too aggressively against a woman in a bar, she’s not likely to incite violence against him–she’s smart enough to know that’s a battle she can’t win.

If a man finds himself in a similar situation, he’s much more likely to get rough with the other fellow, because his reaction to danger is processed on the right side of the brain, explains Dr. Fields. This means he’s thinking more about the big picture, and guided by his emotions. He’s not analyzing how this guy will come at him when they get into a fight, he’s acting out of fury! This is why 95% of all people in prison for violent crimes are men.

The difference in response between the two genders comes down to mating, says Dr. Fields. Women examine mates for prospects, analyzing their qualities, while men are driven to mates by beauty or their visceral response to the other person. In the episode, Dr. Fields gets into how women funnel their violent impulses into indirect action, such a s gossip or self harm. Beyond just gender, Dr. Fields breaks down why certain things trigger an aggressive response, and how our threshold for becoming triggered can become lower from chronic stress

Among most mammals, status among the pack is essential to survival...and humans are no different. Status in our society is tied to wealth and access to resources. That’s why office politics can elicit a rage response from us–we’re triggered by the threat to our status, and therefore our stability. When teens fight with somebody on Twitter, their place in the hierarchy is being threatened in a similar way, causing them to get angry.

Contributing to this is the effect of prolonged stress. If a person is feeling anxious or expected to perform under pressure for a long period of time, their threshold for an impulsive, rage-fueled response is significantly lower. When your teen is about to overflow from managing school, sports, and their social life, they’re likely to blow up when you take their phone away.

In the episode, Dr Fields explains that before he was robbed in Barcelona, he had faced a few other threats of robbery in the preceding days, This meant that his body was on higher alert, his brain circuitry changed to be more responsive. He believes this prolonged stress is the reason he was able to defend himself against the perpetrator with a crazy amount of physical strength!

When it comes to responding with anger, educating a teen about why their body reacts the way it does can keep them from making dangerous mistakes and getting hurt. By talking to your teen about the brain science behind facing perceived threats, you can help them move through the world more safely.

Dr. Fields’ brilliance shines through in today’s episode as he shares some extremely interesting facts about neuroscience and evolutionary psychology. On top of the topics mentioned above, we discuss:

While aggression can be a potentially dangerous part of human nature, there are ways we can understand our impulses to use them as helpful tools. So pleased to have Doug on the show this week--hope you enjoy the fascinating research he presents and use the knowledge of the rage triggers (LIFEMORTS) he mentions to your advantage!

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