Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Megan Maas, PhD, award-winning researcher at Michigan State University, leads us through the latest reports on pornography use among adolescents. Andy learns only 7% of parents have talked to their teens about porn.



Full show notes

When it comes to having hard conversations with teenagers, talking about pornography is often one of the most awkward and unprecedented topics to cover. It feels so private, so uncomfortable to bring up….especially with your own child! It’s ever so tempting to just skip the conversation altogether. It’s not that likely that your teen is watching porn….right?

Quite the contrary. In fact, recent research indicates that about 90% of boys and 60% of girls today are exposed to porn before the age of 17. Not only that, but about a third of teenagers say they watch porn regularly, on a weekly or monthly basis. In contrast, only about 7% of parents have talked to their teenagers about pornography. And with modern pornography becoming more and more exploitative of both it’s stars and it’s viewers, teens could be at risk of viewing some seriously dark stuff--and getting into some frightening patterns.

That’s why we have the brilliant Megan Maas on the podcast this week. She’s a seasoned sex educator and researcher of adolescent psychology, and focuses a lot of her energy on helping teenagers and parents become more comfortable with talking about pornography and it’s effects. She’s here to chat all about how to start those hard conversations about porn--and explain why they’re so important.

In the episode, Megan dives into why porn is becoming more and more frightening for young people, the possible effects of watching too much porn as a teen, and how we can strike up those talks about porn we might be dreading.

Since we rarely talk about porn--and usually experience it behind closed doors--we might not see it as a widespread phenomenon. However, if we look at statistics about internet usage, we find that the popular pornography website, Pornhub, recieves more traffic than Amazon, Netflix, and Twitter combined. Almost thirty percent of the content that exists online can be classified as pornography...meaning that there’s more porn on the internet than any of us could ever live long enough to watch!

With all that porn available to viewers, companies that produce pornogrpahy have had to take new measures to get views, and these measures aren’t exactly the most positive for performers or our teens. In order to compete for clicks, companies are more likely to make videos increasingly risque and shocking. This kind of porn is what we want to keep teens from watching, porn that disregards the idea of consent, respect, and pleasure in sexual intimacy.

Although there is porn out there that isn’t necessarily damaging, porn that shows healthy sexual activity between consenting partners, these videos are often mixed in with or buried under much more toxic and disturbing material.

You might be thinking that the easiest solution is to download software to block porn sites on your teen’s computer, or punish them for watching these videos. However, these restrictions might only make the problem worse, Megan warns. In the episode, she discusses how trying to keep teens from watching porn together may only cause them to become more interested in watching it--and internalizing what they see.

In addition to tackling toxic porn, Megan also touches on another important concern--what might happen if your teen develops a porn addiction?

We know it’s natural for teens to develop sexual urges after puberty, and that they may be attracted to porn occasionally when seeking sexual arousal, but when should we be concerned about the quantity of porn they consume?

In the episode, Megan and I discuss some common questions surrounding excessive porn use among teenagers. Does watching exessive pornography from a young age make teens more inclined to sexual violence? Does porn replace the need for actual sexual activity if it’s consumed too heavily?

Megan shares knowledge from her own research as well as other studies to talk about how porn affects the teenage brain. She discusses why it is exactly thar teens are having less sex these days than they used to--a phenomenon often falsely attributed to teens’ porn consumption.

She also equates pornography with fast food: although it can be enjoyable and convenient, it can also have damaging effects if too consumed too much. Megan and I talk in more depth about how this idea can extend past the sphere of pornography to incoporate other areas of modern teenage life. Does social media replace teens' need for actual socialization? Tune in to hear what Megan has to say about how today’s technology affects teen behavior all around

But back to the topic at hand. You know the dangers that pornography can pose to your teen, and it’s time to educate them to ensure they traverse the internet safely. We know starting that conversation isn’t easy, but Megan is here to help.

When sitting your teen down to discuss this potentially awkward subject, just remember: it’s totally natural for any teen to be interested in pornography. Although pornography as we know it developed in the mid twentieth century with photography and videography becoming more and more accessible over time, erotica and erotic images have existed in every civilization since the beginning of time. Megan suggests entering the conversation with the mindset that all teenagers are likely experiencing newfound sexual urges and that these feelings are simply a product of biology.

Since it’s likely that teens are going to be encountering porn regardless of what you say, Megan explains how you can give your teen a comprehensive run-down of the things they should be looking out for when choosing what porn to watch. Porn that features consent, protection, and mutual pleasure are the ones teenagers should be watching, if they choose to watch any, says Megan.

Instead of just having one big talk about sex and pornography, Megan suggests having many small talks over time, starting early and continuing indefinitely. By frequently checking in on your teenager’s sexual health and development, you can ensure that they’re remaining safe and secure in their own body. Having an open line of communication can help you build trust with your teen, meaning they’re more likely to clue you in when something’s wrong.

Overall, the important thing is to remind your teen that they are valuable, smart, and have control over their own mind and body. By teaching them to think critically about porn and their own sexual preferences, you are allowing them to have agency over their own sexual choices, instead of shame or confusion.

On top of addressing possible concerns that you might have about your teen’s porn consumption and giving tips for starting conversations about responsible porn use with your teen, Megan and I discuss:

If you enjoyed listening to Megan as much as I did, you can check out her website, Meganmaas.com, where you can access her monthly newsletter and plenty of other great resources. It was a joy to have Megan this week, and we hope you share, subscribe, and come back again.

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