Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Shane Trotter, author of Setting the Bar, sits down with us to discuss how our technology-obsessed, individualistic culture might be holding our teens back from reaching their full potential.



Full show notes

Times are changing—and so are teens. The introduction of technology to each aspect of everyday life has fundamentally altered the way teens act, think, and experience the world. Our education system is not the same as it was 20 years ago, and it’s shaping our teens dramatically. Our culture has changed, pushing teens to become more individualistic than ever before. For better or for worse, growing up has become an entirely different experience than the one many of us are familiar with.

For kids, this new world has benefits…but also serious drawbacks. Young people are more connected than ever. They’ve got comforts and conveniences that we never could have dreamt of in our teen years. But rates of teen depression and anxiety are skyrocketing, and many kids feel like they aren’t prepared for the brutal reality of adulthood! For parents watching the world change, it can be nerve-wracking to wonder how we’ll help teens manage.

To understand how our kids can navigate it all, we’re talking to Shane Trotter, author of Setting the Bar: Preparing Our Kids to Thrive in an Era of Distraction, Dependency, and Entitlement. As an educator, writer and parent himself, Shane has found himself observing some seriously concerning behavior from teens–behavior he feels is motivated by the forces of our evolving world. Today, he’s helping us see how we can give kids a fighting chance at a successful life! 

In our interview, we’re discussing the fierce individualism of our modern culture, and its effects on growing teens. We’re also discussing bullying, and the surprising reasons why Shane thinks we shouldn’t stop it from happening. Plus, we’re covering where our school system is missing its chance to truly prepare teens for the world ahead.

We want kids to be their best selves…but what happens when self-improvement becomes self obsession? Shane believes many teens are headed down this path–not because they're inherently selfish, but because our culture puts self-interest above all else! Social media constantly bombards teens with advertisements and influencers telling teens they NEED to get the newest clothes or try the trendiest fitness craze. Over time, teens can become so consumed by consumerism that they turn a blind eye to the possibility of helping others.

But serving others is often the key to happiness, says Shane. Although material gain or changes to our appearance might help us feel good about ourselves, working towards a greater purpose is ultimately the way to a happy existence, he explains. Teens today run the risk of living unfulfilled lives, especially if we are constantly encouraging them to strive only for their own happiness, says Shane. In the episode, Shane and I talk further about encouraging our kids to work towards the betterment of others.

In our discussion about culture, Shane and I also touch on the difference between honor cultures and dignity cultures. Honor cultures push people towards accomplishment, he explains, by rewarding them for their achievements. In a world full of easy digital rewards and distractions, encouraging teens to seek true accomplishment can have a lot of benefits. However, Shane also acknowledges the toxicity of pushing kids towards constant achievement. We also discuss the positive attributes of dignity culture–believing every human has intrinsic value and dignity without needing to prove it. In our interview, we’re talking about how we can take the best parts of each to create balance.

As our culture and technology has evolved, one particular issue that’s taken center stage is bullying–whether it’s online or IRL. Interestingly, Shane doesn’t believe bullying is always a bad thing.

We’ve been working towards ending bullying in schools for quite a while…but what is bullying, exactly? Is it physical, verbal or digital? Is a fight between two students bullying? What if it’s an anonymous online post? The lack of subjectivity in defining what bullying really is can be a big problem, says Shane. As we crack down more and more on bullying, our definition of it becomes increasingly lenient, to the point where we might consider any kid to be a bully, Shane explains.

And being marked as a bully can be pretty harmful. Most of the time, kids who are harsh to others at school are behaving this way as a result of patterns in their home life. Instead of labeling kids as a threat, we should be examining the nuances of what causes them to bully or harass others, Shane says. Kids marked as bullies tend to develop a dislike of going to school or feel vindictive towards their teachers and classmates, says Shane. 

Plus, Shane believes the effects of bullying might be less detrimental than we often think. Kids are going to be up against a lot as they get older, and they aren’t going to have adults around to sort everything out. If we’re constantly intervening to fix teens’ social problems, we might be doing them a disservice. We could be keeping them from developing the conflict resolution skills and resilience they are going to need to survive romantic relationships, the workplace, and life in general!

As an educator, attitudes around bullying aren’t the only problem Shane sees in schools. 

Are schools really teaching kids what they need to know? One of the biggest problems in today’s school system is that it has become too outcome oriented, says Shane. Instead of putting emphasis on increasing knowledge, they’ve become overly obsessed with metrics, ratings, college acceptance statistics and making sure every kid “passes.” Schools are often giving out easy As to simply move kids through the system without really challenging them, says Shane.

Shane explains that this problem has been worsening because teachers are under too much stress to accommodate every student! Some students have learning disabilities or are disadvantaged, meaning they may not be able to keep up to pace with the rest of the students. This means that teachers often have to lower the difficulty of material. But because they don't have the facilities to create and keep track of lesson plans for each student, the whole class has to adjust to this drop in difficulty, says Shane. This means kids are often not pushed or even taught at their own level!

Schools are also trying to keep up with the technological times, but often miss the mark. The use of Ipads and laptops in the classroom can encourage a culture of dependence on screens that’s already a problem for so many! In the episode, Shane and I talk about the rise in mental illness and drug addiction in teens, and how much of it may be tied to teens who are too attached to screens or who feel incredibly stressed, blocked in or even just bored by modern schooling.

It’s always so refreshing to hear from educators and learn how we can build a better system for our teens to grow up in. Although there’s a lot of obstacles in our kids’ way, experts like Shane can help us guide them toward the life they deserve. On top of the topics discussed above, we also talk about:

Thanks for listening. If you want to explore more of Shane’s work, you can find him at shanetrotter.com. Don’t forget to share and subscribe!

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