Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers

Rachel Scott, yoga teacher, blogger, and founder of Rachel Yoga, explains the concept of Aparigraha, meaning non-grasping or non-clinging. She says that parents can embody this principle by creating an open, loving space for teens to talk about whatever is on their mind.

Full show notes

Overbearing Parents

When we love someone we tend to want to pull them closer or hold them tighter. It’s human nature. But often, especially with teenagers, this can push them away or cause them to withdraw. If you aren’t giving your teenager space, this avoidant behavior can carry on in their later lives. Although we come from a place of love, teenagers can be a bit hesitant or even outright hostile to the idea of having open and vulnerable conversation with their parents.

Teens might find you prying, hawkish, or overbearing if you overstep any kind of boundaries. Plus, it can be uncomfortable for teens to talk about their new and sometimes confusing feelings, so you don’t want to make the situation worse by not giving your teenager space to process these feelings. Being able to have important conversations without conflict is a delicate and crucial stage of development for everyone involved. If teens don’t learn about conflict management early, this can cause problems in their relationships professionally, socially or romantically.

Giving your teenager space to explore and interact with their own thoughts and feelings is something that may be nerve-racking for you but absolutely essential for your teen. Their teenage years will shape them into the person they will grow into, so giving your teenager space will allow them to grow in the most healthy way possible. You want to give them ample room to grow, yet, you don’t want to make your teen feel like you don’t care or that you’re not present in their lives.

This week’s episode is about parenting a teen who needs to be heard yet has a difficult time opening up. Sometimes your teen might not know exactly how to open up so you can’t force it out of them. But what you can do is be a more present parent.

You may be thinking, how exactly do I do that? How can I be present and available as a parent, yet still respect boundaries between myself and my teen? How do I get my teen to open up to me without appearing overbearing? We spoke to Rachel Scott, an author and yoga instructor who was gracious enough to share her expertise on this issue. When it comes to figuring out how to be a present parent while also giving your teenager space, Rachel has all the answers. In this week’s episode, she explains how you can do all this by taking an ancient approach to mindfulness and compassion.

Rachel is an author who grounds her philosophy in Buddhist principles. She explains the concept of Aparigraha, meaning non-grasping or non-clinging, and the concept of Ahimsa, meaning non-violence. Aparigraha and Ahimsa in particular are concepts that encourage giving your teenager space so they can best express themselves.

Ahimsa is the practice of non-violence, and when you use that mindset in conversations with your teen, you create a dialogue in which they will not feel confronted or challenged. Rather, you’re giving your teenager space that welcomes them to communicate in an active way. Try asking them more questions rather than making statements. By putting the ball in their court, it will be up to your teen to interact and communicate their wants and needs.

Rachel says that parents can embody a non-clinging Aparigraha mentality by creating an open, loving space for teens to talk about whatever is on their minds. When you no longer grasp for one specific outcome, you eliminate your desire to control the situation. Controlling anyone is problematic, especially teenagers, so don’t go down that road. Instead of desiring control, desire the conversation itself.

If we want or need for the conversation to go a certain way, teenagers will instinctively pick up on our need and will avoid complying. So, the idea is to create the proper atmosphere and then detach yourself from the outcome and be OK with whatever happens so that your teen will be more receptive.

This isn’t to say that you should never have expectations. What is important is making sure that you don’t consciously skew the conversation to what you want to hear from your teen. Driving the conversation according to your own agenda isn’t giving your teenager space to communicate—it’s projection.

It may be uncomfortable to hear things that you might not necessarily agree with, but it is healthy that you hear it from your teen directly and truthfully. By giving your teenager space, you allow them to feel safe enough to say what they really want. Sometimes you may end up in agreement but sometimes you may not. Sometimes your teen might not say anything at all. And that is OK.

Don't let the outcome be a point of focus for you at this moment. The focus should be placed on the time you spend interacting and engaging with each other, not one singular moment. Giving your teenager space by allowing them to be the ones to guide the conversation enables them to learn how to communicate their own wants.

If you are completely detached to the point of passivity, then you will never be able to talk to your teenager about topics that are worth talking about and having expectations for, like college applications, sports tryouts, or dating. Being engaged and involved in these important conversations, no matter how tough or uncomfortable, is necessary for being a good parent.

The goal of having tough conversations isn’t to be in harmony at all times. The goal is to communicate in a way that is respectful and truthful. It is also a process. You may not get it right the first time, or even the first few times. But the fact that you are taking time and effort to communicate is a victory in and of itself.

Giving your teenager space also includes knowing how to engage with your teen in a healthy way. So the key is finding the balance between having some final goal about where you want the conversation to go, but being OK with wherever it does end up going. Think of it as general guidelines as opposed to hard rules. Having hard set expectations only sets us up for anxiety, disappointment, and potentially hurt feelings.

We address all of this and more in our enlightening conversation here on the Talking to Teens Podcast. In addition tips on giving your teenager space, Rachel proposes the following ideas:

Being present and open with your teenager is easier said than done, but it is certainly not impossible. With much reflection and collaboration with your teen, you can communicate with each other in a way that doesn’t make them want to shut down. You can be a present parent without feeling like you’re meddling or overbearing.

Rachel Scott sets forth a compassionate standard for you to be present in conversations while still giving your teenager space and agency. Although it may sound paradoxical, you gain so much once you let go for a bit. Listen in to get a better picture of what it looks like when you are giving your teenager space to process their emotions and letting go of your own expectations.