Ep 44: Non-Punitive Parenting Strategies
Judy Arnall, the author of four parenting books including Discipline without Distress and Parenting with Patience, explains how to stop teenage rebellion and attitude problems instantly using non-punitive parenting strategies. Your teens will surely respond to these counter-intuitive approaches.
Full Show Notes
Wow, wouldn’t teenagers be delightful if we could just get them to stop giving us attitude and rebelling against everything we say? It’s not such a fantasy as you might think. Actually, there is someone who has already figured out how to accomplish this using something called non-punitive parenting strategies. It’s Canadian parenting expert and author of four parenting books, Judy Arnall.
- Reduce the reasons for rebelling
- Teach your teen to express their emotions calmly
- Manage your own anger at your teen
- Express your needs to your teenager more clearly
- Respond to swearing and foul language
- Use I-statements effectively
- Comfort your teen during emotional times
There’s a ton of great info on this episode.
Judy explains the psychology behind why teens rebel and she shows you exactly what you can do to stop the process. Come along with me as I learn about non-punitive parenting strategies with Judy Arnall.
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Word-for-word examples of WHAT to say to your teen
1. When your teen swears at you, use an I-statement to express how you feel:
“I’m upset that I get sweared at because it doesn’t feel respectful.”
2. When your teen leaves a mess in the kitchen, use an I-statement so express how you feel:When your teen leaves a mess in the kitchen, use an I-statement so express how you feel:
3. How to respond when your teen is highly emotional or stressed out:
Step-by-step guides for applying the ideas from this interview
1. Teach Your Teen to Express their Emotions:
Teenagers are still learning how to use their language to express themselves to others. Judy says you should model the proper language for a while until your teen gets the hang of it for themselves. Below, on the left, write down examples of things your teen says when they are mad that really bother you. Next, on the right, write down what your teen should say instead, phrased as an I-statement. To create an I-statement, alter the language so that it’s all said in terms of your teenager and how they feel. For instance, “You’re always nagging me about my chores” might become, “I’m unhappy because I have a full schedule and I feel chores are being laid on me” or “You’re so unfair” might be better phrased as, “I’m frustrated because I feel the rules are being made without my input”. An I-statement like this is a much more respectful way of expressing your emotions and needs. But your teen is going to need some guidance from you before they master this. Don’t get discouraged! Just correct them whenever they get it wrong and eventually they will learn how to do it right. Use your list to correct your teenager when they say hurtful things in anger.
2. Reducing the Reasons for Rebellion:
3. Cool Off Quickly When Your Teen Makes You Mad:
About Judy Arnall
The mother of five children, Judy Arnall is Canada’s leading expert on parenting without punishment. She is a parenting speaker and trainer at the University of Calgary and Alberta Health Services. She is also the author of four books on parenting:
- Discipline without Distress: 135 tools for raising caring, responsible children without time-out, spanking, punishment, or bribery
- Parenting with Patience: Turn frustration into connection with 3 easy steps
- Unschooling to University: Relationships matter most in a world crammed with content
- Attachment Parenting Tips: Raising Toddlers to Teens